Today was one of those days etched in my memory.
But also one of those days I would choose to fade with the fog into the sunlight.
Today my crimes and offenses were laid bare. Exposed for all (the new psychiatrist) to see. And what a dark and sombre occasion it turned out to be.
My head bowed in shame, my face filled with pain and tears flowing freely.
I saw my life as if i was looking into a fish bowl with myself being a monstrous gold fish.
I am a monster, a demon, an affliction that sows maximum damage to all that comes near. The closer to me you are, the more likely you are to become a target of my violent outbursts and attacks or fall victim to my darkness
So again someone promise to be able to help. Someone promises a magic potion. A miracle cure. Just another one to add to a list of many.
But this is my reality. Ugly and painful as it is.
So the only way now is forward and upward. Leaving the dark, ugly and painful behind.
Easier said than down, but worth making an earnest attempt.
That attempt together with faith and prayer, maybe, just maybe, some headway can be achieved.
So now to start over…
Yesterday therapy was painful. After lots of honesty and candid talking, the conclusion came as such a shock. Old label replaced with new. But not just one but two.
Regression is evident. Tablets are to be reviewed and adjusted. Now again will be discomfort, anxiety, headaches, insomnia and irritation. I feel like my world is crumbling to my feet right before my eyes. More anxiety for the family. More for hubby to have to deal with. I hate bi-polar 2.
But I hate my two new enemies even more.
Bi-polar 1 and BPD absolutely positively and passionately
HATE and DESPISE you!
This week was harrowing, to say the least. Report cards needed to be reprinted due to errors, learners were at an all time rude, rollercoaster resumed and then my phone was stolen.
But was, is indeed the operating word, because as soon as we were all home, everything was well. The love enveloped me and I felt safe and wanted.
However darkness did loom in the form of little M’s father…(henceforth referred to as A-wipe)
While I was waiting for my eldest son to finish his driving lesson, I visited with my uncle whose place of business is close by. Hubby and Sis came looking for me and Sis and I took Little M out to McD’s. We both felt that he needed a treat after A-wipe failed once again to come fetch M to spend the weekend with A-wipe. M goes to A-wipe every second weekend. But this weekend A-wipe had his own agenda and took off for the weekend to a holiday destination five hours away. And then in his normal manipulatory fashion he tells little M that he did in fact tell Sis that they are swopping weekend so that M can go to the school’s cycling race on Sunday, but fails to mention that Sis clearly responded in saying no to a swop.
The disappointment on little M’s face when A-wipe told him he wont be coming to fetch him and that he is five hours away, was so painful. M was trying to be so brave and literally begged A-hole to come fetch him and that he can wait five hours.
“I’m sorry my boy. Daddy is so sorry, but daddy won’t be able to come fetch you. I’m too far away” says the a-wipe who is fighting to have his son with him.
Why not take your son, that you see so seldom, with you for the weekend and give him some sense of family when he is with you. Oh but i forget being a parent, family includes feeding, bathing and caring for a child and there he falls way short. Because according to M there is no fridge, no food, no soap, toothpaste or toothbrush at A-wipe’s house. And then he wants M there all the time. The poor child will also turn into a long haired, black wearing hobo like A-wipe. Thank God for his grandmother who fills in the lack of parenting, hygiene and love that lacks with A-wipe.
On this side of the world, our lives are planned around little M. Outings can only occur when he is with us. Birthday celebrations are arranged around where he will be on the weekend. Everyone takes responsibility for homework, playtime, bath time and meals. He never goes short of love and caring and is one of the main priorities in our home. Often meals get planned around him and he gets a treat by having his favourite dish cooked. He is the baby in the house and get treated as such together with all the tolerance, privileges and spoiling that goes with being the youngest in the house.
A- wipe can definitely not say the same.
But he should not rest easy. The clock is ticking against him. M are beginning to clearly state his preference and desires. Like telling A-wipe that he cant come fetch him next week as it is his oldest (step) brother;s birthday and he really don’t want to miss it. What could A-wipe say without coming across ass the villain. NOTHING!!!
In your face, A-wipe!
Forgiveness are viewed to be a divine attribute. Yet often if not daily we, even without being divine creatures, are faced with having to forgive.
Forgive others for little things and sometimes big things. But more importantly forgive ourselves.
Forgive ourselves for what we said or have not said.
Forgive ourselves for what we have done or have not done.
Self forgiveness is imperative to achieving self-love. For without being able to forgive yourself , loving yourself becomes impossible and everything that is done. given or received can seem empty and dull. It can fail to bring joy and enjoyment.
And lack of enjoyment in turn then result in disappointment which then breeds self resentment and self-hatred.
And the whole cycle begins again with the need for self forgiveness.