On days like This

Today was one of those strange days. One of those days when I feel completely quiet inside, but not numb.

When i feel gentle and peaceful. Vulnerable and  fragile. Yet restless at the same time.

And this lull that is radiating from the pit of my stomach meanders on an endless and mindless path back and forth between my mind and heart.

On days like this silence is my best friend yet loneliness forces unwanted company.

So in a nutshell I have not been able to, in all of these years,  understand or define this strange feeling.

What hand long been apparent however, is that this undefined feeling  brings structure to my internal chaos, inspire my creativity and cultivates my productivity.

But all of the above feelings. thoughts and observations are dwarfed by something much more intense.

On days like this I feel like crawling under my husbands skin and resting my head under his heart.

On days like this I feel a closeness to him unlike anything I can describe in words.

On days like this I miss my darling so much, that it hurts.

On days like this I realise…

I am blessed.

inner-peace

Living the dream

luv liv hr 

When I embarked on this journey of sharing my husband, myself, my children, my life. I had a vision of a life filled with love, harmony, joy and happiness. To experience a closeness with my sister-wife that not even my natural sisters can offer. To feel a sense of contentment, joy and admiration to see the two people closest to me, sister-wife and hubby loving each other because of me. Seeing my sister-wife happy and finally not just living, but being alive.

But then things seemed to go wrong. Jealousy and envy shed dark clouds to hover over our home and lives. Things were said that should not have been said and could not be unsaid. Damage was done that was difficult to fix. Things were done that caused pain, sadness and tears. Irrational thoughts, feelings and perception became food for the raging fire that was plaguing and burning our home, our lives.

Then a terrible demon rose from its slumber, only  this time it had a name. And with it having a name, came a new kind of despair. Despair of what if, and fear and regret.

What if my demon who now has a name…  BIPOLAR wins the battles and eventually the war. This  unstoppable, unbeatable, destructive force clearly set on destroying my life, my world and in the process the lives of those close to me.

Only this time the defensive side was not a one man army, but a formidable army not only in greater numbers, but also armed with the most powerful weapon ever to be used, LOVE…

And with this powerful weapon  fuelled by an undisputable, unconquerable, indestructible, force called love, The Power Of Three  have proven that it is indeed an adversary to be reckoned with. This weapon of love have managed to keep my demon in check; to heighten its defences at the slightest glimmer of this demonic force lifting its ugly head to terrorise me and those close to  me.

So now we are winning. Winning because of the gift of love. And finally my vision is being realised. Is visible and tangible. We are living the dream. We are living what most people deem impossible.

We are loving  without wanting selfishly, but rather always wanting for the next one. And such is how the circle of love goes around…

Seamless, boundless and impenetrable.

Finally the dream is alive…

I have my sister-wife feeling, treasured, adored, loved, desired, respected, appreciated and wanted by a family motivated by love and all the while feeling worthy of all these wonderful gifts.

My little boy has a family, brothers,a sister, a second mother, an actual father figure, a grandmother and extended family who adores him as much as they do their own.

My children are learning the valuable lesson that society does not determine our choices, but that our choices are dictated by the will of Allah and that which Allah has made permissible. They also learnt that if you give one step toward Allah, Allah opens a wide array of opportunities and rewards to you.

My (our) husband always had the need and desire to spread his love and care for someone other than myself and through this wonderful assimilation of two wonderful people to our family, his desire could also be fulfilled ,another could gain from the wonderful, loving, caring, nurturing and protective husband he has always been to me.

And finally…

I could have my friend, my sister, my confidant, other side of me close.

Another to love,

Another to share with,

Another to confide in,

Another to comfort and find comfort in,

Another to laugh with

and another to cry with

 

I love you Sis

I love that you are part of my (our) family

I love that hubby loves you and you him

I love that you love my (our  4) children

I love having you so close

 family together      

So  as the world is watching

Waiting for our love to fall flat,

We are living the dream

Compersion is alive and working in our home.

We are living the dream….