Yesterday therapy was painful. After lots of honesty and candid talking, the conclusion came as such a shock. Old label replaced with new. But not just one but two.
Regression is evident. Tablets are to be reviewed and adjusted. Now again will be discomfort, anxiety, headaches, insomnia and irritation. I feel like my world is crumbling to my feet right before my eyes. More anxiety for the family. More for hubby to have to deal with. I hate bi-polar 2.
But I hate my two new enemies even more.
Bi-polar 1 and BPD absolutely positively and passionately
HATE and DESPISE you!
Today was one of those strange days. One of those days when I feel completely quiet inside, but not numb.
When i feel gentle and peaceful. Vulnerable and fragile. Yet restless at the same time.
And this lull that is radiating from the pit of my stomach meanders on an endless and mindless path back and forth between my mind and heart.
On days like this silence is my best friend yet loneliness forces unwanted company.
So in a nutshell I have not been able to, in all of these years, understand or define this strange feeling.
What hand long been apparent however, is that this undefined feeling brings structure to my internal chaos, inspire my creativity and cultivates my productivity.
But all of the above feelings. thoughts and observations are dwarfed by something much more intense.
On days like this I feel like crawling under my husbands skin and resting my head under his heart.
On days like this I feel a closeness to him unlike anything I can describe in words.
On days like this I miss my darling so much, that it hurts.
On days like this I realise…
I am blessed.
In the times that we live we are constantly bombarded by ideals of tolerance and forgiveness
And yes, in a perfect world everybody will be naturally caring,loving, forgiving and tolerant. But being forgiving and tolerant is not allotted to everyone.
Some of us need immediate retribution as means to instant gratification and an immense desire to prove the guilt of another.
But the human species is adjustable, dynamic and resilient.We are able shift and change and adapt as needed.
We can put our happy face on at any time, despite what or how we may feel inside.
Be Brave when needed
Be cautious when needed
Be reckless when needed
Take chances when needed
Be gentle when needed
Be strong when needed
Cry bitterly when needed
Laugh hysterically when needed
Be humble when needed
Be proud when needed
Be sad when needed
Be happy when needed
Be kind when needed
Be harsh when needed
Be quiet when needed
Be silent when needed
Make our voice heard when needed
Be critical when needed
Believe when needed
Trust when needed
Have faith needed
Question when needed
Introspect when needed
And all this is needed