I am lion. Hear me roar!

Yesterday was one of the best days I had had in a long time. Felt like a regular day where the three of us could move the world, pick the stars and realign the planets.
What a fantastic sense of peace and strength. The love that binds us stronger than ever before. Once again my faith is restored not only in my ability to rise above anything life can dish up but also my knack to grow and draw strength from adversity. The three of us are yet again a force to be reckoned with, invincible and unstoppable.

So world, with all your judgemental, uneducated and misinformed, ill-intended, ill-informed, villainous, jealous, spiteful and down right uncalled for advice and opinions.

 

Bring it!

We are ready!

I am ready!

We will not in quietly into the night. We will not give up without a fight’.

And with our Creator in our corner, how could we ever taste despair or failure.

To the Power of Three!!!

Operation ME

This morning I feel again. Woke up without anxiety and was able to move a mountain with out effort or regret and with ease and conviction. I did good. Hope it was seen by those who have lost faith in me.

I am little by little regaining faith in myself and I imagine it will not be a swift or easy. But I will do my best to persevere on this journey to rediscovering myself.

Understanding my situation and accepting is stage 1 of  ‘Operation making me whole again.’

As they say, it has to get worse before it gets better. So I will hang tight and wait.

Surrender, Concede, Capitulate

So I got angry because I felt excluded, sidelined, marginalised and ignored. Yes I felt  all these things and before I would have understood. Before I would have knows he is preoccupied and stressed. Before I would have waited it out. Things will return to normal and he would be in my space again. Tomorrow things would have calmed down and all will be as it were.

But tomorrow is not to be. It belongs to another. Another is holding her breath and looking forward to tomorrow.  I will have to wait till the next day and hope that the next day will not also pan out as today did. Will not also end up being lost, alone and empty. Because other more urgent matters arise.

And then little gremlins start popping up. Start whispering like vicious little devils in your ears. Whispers that creates pain and fear and discontent. Everything start looking like something. Nothing start looking like something. Something that you are not getting, that you do not have.Something that wish for and desire and longs for. You feel cheated and robbed. Robbed of what is yours and what is your right. And she is not to blame. It is her right too, yet she seem to be so gracious about everything and I’m everything but. Is there even anyone to be blamed?  No! No blame. Just demons screaming in your heart and creating noise in your head. And you pain. So much that you have an intense desire to just close up and shut down, for if you close up and shut down, you do not feel. And if you do not feel, you cannot hurt. You cannot pain.

Time has become your worst enemy. Your primary source of fear. Fear of loneliness and fear of becoming obsolete. Yesterday’s news. Redundant and old. You know the  reality is that it is not so, but these damn devils keep whispering, screaming, making you hear. Forcing you to listen.

So you sit down and you try to be sensible and rational. He does love you, you know that. She puts you first as well. You know that too.

So why the doubt?  

Why the lack of faith?

Why do I need so much reassurance and reaffirmation?

Is it because of past trust issues and past insecurities? Why can I not trust and believe without any doubt?  Why am I so careful? Is it fear of getting hurt by those you think and believe love you?  In the past you were also loved. Or so you thought. There were hidden, selfish and painful agendas. That hurt, crippled, and near destroyed you.

But that was then. Now is different. You won that battle and annihilated the enemy. Victory was yours!!! So why do you still feel fear and pain. Is it just a bad habit? A habit that wont die. I feel like giving up. Letting everything go and giving everything freedom. Freedom to do  and say and make without me. Without having to consider me and complicate things. Because I am damaged, irreparable, corrupted and lost. I should be cut loose before anyone else get pulled down by me.

Am I asking too much? Do I even have the right to ask or to expect, to want, to need, to wish. Maybe not. Maybe never.

So I will just stick to the familiar which brings me to the bottom line.

And that bottom line is…

I am never to be happy .

Never to be content.

Never to be at peace.

Maybe my contentment lies elsewhere and is not due now. So will stop trying and just wait.

So I will wait…

Battles won…

So many obstacles have been overcome. Some obstacles was easy and took a few effortless moves on the chessboard of  life. Others were more challenging and needed more carefully strategised moves.
But overcome they were and creates a sense of appreciation and gratitude for the gifts that life has on offer.
U realise that bonds that are secure and secured can be an unbreakable, impenetrable force able to conquer any challenge and obstacle it may be faced with.
So in the end victory lie in numbers. Specifically in magical number three.

And now to deal with the new battles…

or is it a raging war?