A time for guilt

 Time is precious. Something we should value and appreciate and never take for granted. So be grateful for the time you spend with loved ones, because you could loose them at any time.

Today a very dear friend of mine lost her mother and she was fortunate enough to have done much for her mother before her mother’s passing. Thus she has no guilt and no regrets.

 Her siblings are not as fortunate, they will live, hopefully if the feel at an inkling for their departed mother and surviving father, guilt ridden and ful of regrets for many a day to come.

Despite them living minutes from her parents she would be the one to come all the way from another continent to come do for and be there do both her mother and father.
So now she is the one being able to be together and be the one to do and manage all that need to be done.

Guilt can be debilitating and no guilt liberating.

 

So u can choose long before loosing those precious to you, whether it is to death or simply to another life, whether you want to feel debilitated or liberated.

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Surrender, Concede, Capitulate

So I got angry because I felt excluded, sidelined, marginalised and ignored. Yes I felt  all these things and before I would have understood. Before I would have knows he is preoccupied and stressed. Before I would have waited it out. Things will return to normal and he would be in my space again. Tomorrow things would have calmed down and all will be as it were.

But tomorrow is not to be. It belongs to another. Another is holding her breath and looking forward to tomorrow.  I will have to wait till the next day and hope that the next day will not also pan out as today did. Will not also end up being lost, alone and empty. Because other more urgent matters arise.

And then little gremlins start popping up. Start whispering like vicious little devils in your ears. Whispers that creates pain and fear and discontent. Everything start looking like something. Nothing start looking like something. Something that you are not getting, that you do not have.Something that wish for and desire and longs for. You feel cheated and robbed. Robbed of what is yours and what is your right. And she is not to blame. It is her right too, yet she seem to be so gracious about everything and I’m everything but. Is there even anyone to be blamed?  No! No blame. Just demons screaming in your heart and creating noise in your head. And you pain. So much that you have an intense desire to just close up and shut down, for if you close up and shut down, you do not feel. And if you do not feel, you cannot hurt. You cannot pain.

Time has become your worst enemy. Your primary source of fear. Fear of loneliness and fear of becoming obsolete. Yesterday’s news. Redundant and old. You know the  reality is that it is not so, but these damn devils keep whispering, screaming, making you hear. Forcing you to listen.

So you sit down and you try to be sensible and rational. He does love you, you know that. She puts you first as well. You know that too.

So why the doubt?  

Why the lack of faith?

Why do I need so much reassurance and reaffirmation?

Is it because of past trust issues and past insecurities? Why can I not trust and believe without any doubt?  Why am I so careful? Is it fear of getting hurt by those you think and believe love you?  In the past you were also loved. Or so you thought. There were hidden, selfish and painful agendas. That hurt, crippled, and near destroyed you.

But that was then. Now is different. You won that battle and annihilated the enemy. Victory was yours!!! So why do you still feel fear and pain. Is it just a bad habit? A habit that wont die. I feel like giving up. Letting everything go and giving everything freedom. Freedom to do  and say and make without me. Without having to consider me and complicate things. Because I am damaged, irreparable, corrupted and lost. I should be cut loose before anyone else get pulled down by me.

Am I asking too much? Do I even have the right to ask or to expect, to want, to need, to wish. Maybe not. Maybe never.

So I will just stick to the familiar which brings me to the bottom line.

And that bottom line is…

I am never to be happy .

Never to be content.

Never to be at peace.

Maybe my contentment lies elsewhere and is not due now. So will stop trying and just wait.

So I will wait…

Please Hear What I’m Not Saying

Please Hear What I’m Not Saying

By Charles C. Finn

 

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I’m afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,
but don’t be fooled,
for God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm and I’m in command
and that I need no one,
but don’t believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to. I’m afraid to.

 I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,
that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,
what I’d like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can’t say.

I don’t like hiding.
I don’t like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings —
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator —
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

I am ready…

For the past week I have been grappling with my health. My one kidney struggling to do its job resulting in toxemia. I have forgotten how ill you can feel when struggling with renal problems. The constant nausea, headaches, dizziness and tiredness. Before I didn’t quite realise the seriousness of  having renal problems, but as I am now getting older I have come to the realisation that I can and would probably die of renal failure unless something else comes up before then. And it will. I know that. I have always felt that old age was not something I should look forward to. Longevity was not part  of my life plan or path.

Which made me reflect on many things. And then I remembered what someone , well more than one person actually, had asked me. When I , we, embarked on this journey or a polygamous marriage and I informed those I felt needed to know, I was asked whether I was dying. I was a bit surprised if not a little perturbed by this very unexpected question. “Why are you asking me that?” was my confused response.  “Well”, I was informed, “It seem as though you are getting things in place for your family for when you not there anymore. Someone to be a wife for your husband and a mother to your children. Obviously someone you trust and know will be good for your family.” Needless to say I totally dispelled any such notion to the extent that I found this kind of paranoia funny and laughable.

However now 5 months down the line, and having been really sick for the first time in years, I find myself questioning my mortality. Questioning the journey Allah has put me on. Questioning how building blocks have been laid down seemingly in isolation, over an extended period of time. But upon reflection and retrospection all these random and isolated instances and emotional growth and movement seem anything but random and isolated. They seem to be part of an elaborate and covert plan architected by a higher power with a vision that is obscured from  to us.

Question is: Am I that special that Allah would afford me the gift of having the peace of mind that those I love is taken care of and are all together to be a support to each other when I no longer walk this earth. Maybe this is the reward for all my pain and suffering all of my life.  I believe in a fair and benevolent Creator and if this elaborate plan indeed is the gift of peace of mind than the benevolence of my Allah is confirmed and I regard myself special, chosen and lucky.

In in that light I want to say thank you. Thank you Allah for caring enough for me to do all of this for me. I stand before you ready and waiting for whatever the next journey is that you taking me on. Be it longevity or death. I am ready…

Lucky

“Lucky”

By Jason Mraz


(feat. Colbie Caillat)

 

,

Do you hear me
I’m talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I’m trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don’t know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I’ll wait for you I promise you, I will

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Lucky we’re in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I’m sailing through the sea
To an island where we’ll meet
You’ll hear the music fill the air
I’ll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you’re all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I’m lucky we’re in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

pawn on a chessboard

I’ve told him to do so many things. Just as I did in the beginning when we started on this journey. Guiding him every step of  the way to make her feel special.
Then they got married and still I would remind him, “Remember its one month today”;”She’s not feeling well, spend the night with her”; “Why not take her out for coffee?”;”Did you comment on her outfit?”. And every time I sent you away to be with her there would be the slightest pang of something.
Then it was her birthday and prior to that she had told me that you only took her out alone once really. So I did what I always do. I coached. I interfered. “Take her away even just for one night.” You did not seem keen to leave me behind. But just like before I put up a good act and convinced you that it the right thing. What is needed. What she deserved. Despite the fact that we have not gone away in ages. “Surprise her” I said.

So I packed your overnight bag and supplies. And all the time my heart was tearing apart. Bleeding as it broke into thousand pieces. My tears flowing freely. But this is what is needed. I knew. I even convinced you.
I have by now learnt that certain necessary acts will unavoidably bring pain. Pain I will work through and overcome.
I cried for many hours. Sms’d you as a means of reassuring myself. I knew it was hard for you to leave me. To leave me crying, alone and far away from you. Not in reach of your comfort. But again you trusted that I am giving you the right guidance and advice. Despite my pain and tears that was so intense that I could not even conceal it from your eyes.
You phoned before bedtime and again in the morning. I know why. Because you were worried. Worried that I was still paining.
You came back bearing gifts. I understand why. Because you loved me even more for being willing to pain for her sake. For giving to her what she so desired and wished for despite my pain. You were proud of me. I saw it in your eyes.

Now the tables have turned. It was my birthday and the gesture was returned. She told you to take me away even just for one night. I have agreed to not argue. To trust that whatever is offered or done for me is needed. There was no tears from her. You did not need convincing as before. Should I feel guilty or bad. I had to fight not to. After almost two decades of marriage I guess it is expected.
But then I realise your focus is on me feeling better. Me coping better. That is her intention too. So you focus on me completely or maybe you don’t yet have the same need for her as you do for me. A need that have grown over many years. I know in time it will be there for her too. I know she knows it to. (I just hope she believes it.) Or maybe you thought you both are on the same page. But I guess she was not. She had expectations. Expectations because of what she saw when she was away with you. Is it bean counting?  I don’t think so. Just dreams that did not materialise.

But still I feel bad for you. You constantly are expected to say, to do, to give. Expected by me and expected by her. So what is left for you?

Have I robbed you of your life? Have I robbed you of your quality of life? The pressures you are under is inhumane. Pressure of time, place, emotions, expression and finance. I fail to see you having any quality of life. I find myself overcome with guilt. Did I do this to you?
I hate that you are passed around like a toy or accessory. Sometimes I get it and sometimes she does.
I wish I knew how to strike a balance. I wish I knew how to not also want. I see how much you do, you give. I just wish I did not need more.

Wish you were not …
a pawn on a chess board.

Little words with heavy loads

Wishes, desires, needs,wants and expectations.

Little words with heavy loads. Loads that can get heavy when expectations are not met. Laden with feelings of losses, having been cheated and mourning when left unfulfilled, never to be recaptured.

But who is responsible for fulfilling those expectation? And further more how are these expectations communicated and how static, liquid and lucid are they?

Because logically if they are static they could be much easier to deliver but if they are liquid and lucid in nature they might prove more difficult to fulfill.

We all wish, desire, need,want and expect. From simple things like what your sandwich will taste like to what your future will pan out to be. It is not human nature to not expect. We live for the next moment, second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year. It is our nature to look forward and move forward.

So how do we not make all needs and wants primary and primal?

How do you avoid and prevent disappointment?

Are WE ultimately responsible for the fulfillment of our expectations OURSELVES and if so why do we need others? Or is it again our nature to need from others due to us being social creatures?

So…
How do you not wish, desire, need, want and expect?

Some might say by being thankful for and wanting what you have and is getting already… But like many other things in life it is easier said than done.

So the quest continues…
to find fulfillment and contentment knowing that it could be a quest filled with disappointment.