Illusive Sandman

Sleep wont come. Lying here alone with my thoughts, my feelings. Tv brings no solace. The loneliness is consuming. I reached out. But law destiny derailed my efforts once again. Dont have the courage to reach out more directly.

The loneliness is like cold gripping vindictive grip around my heart. Squeezing tighter and tighter. Morning must come soon. Hurry!

Every morning…

Living under a cloud of doubt is very discontenting and unpleasant. But much as I hate it, I now find myself in that very position. Stuck between hell and no-man’s land.
The future is generally and naturally uncertain and can be a very scary prospect.
But what do we deem as the future. Tomorrow? Two days from now? Next week? Next month? Next year? Or five years from now?

But what to do if the future you fear is what the next hour holds or the next day you wake up to.
What do you do if the fear grips you with a cold vengeance and a merciless vigour. When you not even sure if things will improve.
When you see no potential and no prospects.
What do you do if your body becomes your primary enemy and bombards your soul with angry bouts of anxiety that prevents you from functionality and effectivity.

Hopelessness and despair sets in.
Faith falters.
Fear returns.
And so it starts all over again. Over and over…

Trust and insecurity

How do i overcome my trust issues. Maybe I should first define and these issues.
And more importantly establish if they are indeed issues or is it my insecurity and past protectivity that is creating mirages in my mind.


In really scared to even venture down that route. Because if there issues prove to be real, I will have to either address them and/or confront them head on. If they are indeed figments of my imagination, then I will have to admit to myself that I am indeed even lost to myself.

Fiqh of Marriage (Understanding the Law of Marriage)

1-Great relationships don’t just happen; they are created. You have to work at it.

2-If your job takes all of your best energy, your marriage will suffer.

3-One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is your own happiness.

4-It is possible to love and hate someone at the same time.

5-When you complain about your spouse to your friends, remember that their feedback can be distorted.

6-The only rules in your marriage are those you both choose to agree with.

7-It is not conflict that destroys marriage; it is the cold, smoldering resentment that you hold for a long time.

8-It’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with what you have.

9-If you think you are too good for your spouse, think again.

10-Growing up in a happy household doesn’t ensure a happy marriage, or vice versa.

11-It’s never too late to repair damaged trust.

12-The real issue is usually not the one you are arguing about.

13-Love isn’t just a feeling; it is expressed through our actions.

14-Expectations set us up for disappointment and resentment.

15-Arguments cannot be avoided, but destructive arguments can be avoided.

16-One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is focused attention.

17-Even people with happy marriages sometimes worry that they married the wrong person.

18-Your spouse cannot rescue you from unhappiness, but they can help you rescue yourself.

19-The cost of a lie is far greater than any advantage you gain from speaking it.

20-Your opinion is not necessarily the truth.

21-Trust takes years to establish and moments to destroy.

22-Guilt-tripping won’t get you what you really want.

23-Don’t neglect your friends.

24-If you think, “You are not the person I married,” you are probably right.

25-Resisting the temptation to prove your point will win you a lot of points.

26-Generosity of spirit is the foundation of a good marriage.

27-If your spouse is being defensive, you might be giving them reasons to be like that.

28-Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100.

29-You can pay now or pay later, but the later you pay, the more interest and penalties you acquire.

30-Marriage requires sacrifice, but your benefits outweigh your costs.

31-Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s a continuous process.

32-Accepting the challenges of marriage will shape you into a better person.

33-Creating a marriage is like launching a rocket: once it clears the pull of gravity, it takes much less energy to sustain the flight.

34-A successful marriage has more to do with how you deal with your current reality than with what you’ve experienced in the past.

35-Don’t keep feelings of gratitude to yourself.

36-There is no greater eloquence than the silence of real listening.

37-One of the greatest questions to ask your spouse is “How best can I love you?”

38-Marriage can stay fresh over time.

39-Assumptions are fine as long as you check them before acting upon them.

40-Intention may not be the only thing, but it is the most important thing.

41-Good sex won’t make your marriage, but it’ll help.

42-Privacy won’t hurt your marriage, but secrecy will.

43-Possessiveness and jealousy are born out of fear, not love.

44-Authenticity is contagious and habit-forming.

45-If your spouse thinks something is important, then it is.

46-Marriage never outgrows the need for romance.

47-The sparkle of a new relationship is always temporary.

48-There is violence in silence when it’s used as a weapon.

49-It’s better to focus on what you can do to make things right, then what your partner did to make things wrong.

50-If you think marriage counseling is too expensive, try divorce.

Stifle, smother, suffocate.

Stifled, smothered, suffocating Thats how I feel.
By my thoughts.
By my feelings.
By my body.
By those around me.
Thinking they know what I need. How I feel. What I feel. What I should do. How could they possibly know.
They don’t walk in my shoes.
They dont feel my heart beating erratically out of fear for the future. The rest of my life.
They dont hear the screaming in my head. The pressure that makes my head feel like it will explode. They dont feel the constant, sinking weight in the pit of my stomach. They dont feel the constant tremors that plaques my body.
They don’t feel the dryness in my mouth and throat as the cold hand of irrational fear grips and crushes my already aching heart.
They dont know how the lonely monster grins and grimace when the time comes. Again the future seem fearful and scary.
Soon my children will leave the nest and it will be only me with no distraction. Just a burden and a bother.
Too much change this year. Please God. No more curve balls. No more suprises. No more challenges. No more new. Nothing new. I cant anymore. Dont want to anymore. Because this is my lonely journey. Mine to travel.
No one
Knows what I need.
What I should do.
How I should act.
What I am going through.
What is going through my mind.
How I feel.

Labelled… :(

So now I have been labelled. I have joined the select few. I’m right up there with great masters like Da Vinci, Dickens and Newton. Oh, not forgetting Honest Abe.
But somehow I can find no comfort in the knowledge that greatness and legends have been born from my new label.
What does it really mean for me? How will it affect my life, normality, functionality, productivity?
Is the knowledge of my condition a curse and debilitating obstacle or is it true that there is power in knowledge.
I dont feel very powerful or positive at the moment. I feel uncertainly, fear, hopelessness, failure, frustration and anger.
Anger for the legacy of my parents. For them still taking from me. Crippling me. Hurting me.
What will become of me when when all those who are helping and supporting grow tired of me and my constant struggles. Tired just like me. What will become of me? Where will I end up? Future is now more scary and uncertain than ever before.

Lucky in love

From the time you are born, you have this primal need to be love, to feel loved and to give love. Your entire being yearn for affection toward you. As children our source of love is very much driven any physical offering provided. If you are fed, clothed, bathed and kept safe it may create the illusion that you are loved. Even just being liked can be easily misinterpreted as love. And unfortunately this delusion of love then more often become a permanent chaperone on your life journey creating a great desire to please and becoming a perfect candidate for abuse and misuse. Because it is simple, in order to please, you have to sacrifice and the easiest commodity to sacrifice is yourself.

But all is not lost. Every now and then life deals you a good hand. You meet someone that does not need you to self sacrifice. That does not need to be pleased all the time. That wants to give rather than receive. Someone that would cool the sun and catch the moon for you. Someone to whom you are the priority. Someone who loves you without expectation. And you realise how blessed you be to be loved like that
And just when you think you have found the ultimate person to love, you are surprised by an additional love entering your life and loving with almost the same abandon. Making you more than just priviledged. More than just chosen. More than just lucky. It makes you special. Special to loved for who you are and not what you have no offer.

I am loved like that.
I am special.