Surrender, Concede, Capitulate

So I got angry because I felt excluded, sidelined, marginalised and ignored. Yes I felt  all these things and before I would have understood. Before I would have knows he is preoccupied and stressed. Before I would have waited it out. Things will return to normal and he would be in my space again. Tomorrow things would have calmed down and all will be as it were.

But tomorrow is not to be. It belongs to another. Another is holding her breath and looking forward to tomorrow.  I will have to wait till the next day and hope that the next day will not also pan out as today did. Will not also end up being lost, alone and empty. Because other more urgent matters arise.

And then little gremlins start popping up. Start whispering like vicious little devils in your ears. Whispers that creates pain and fear and discontent. Everything start looking like something. Nothing start looking like something. Something that you are not getting, that you do not have.Something that wish for and desire and longs for. You feel cheated and robbed. Robbed of what is yours and what is your right. And she is not to blame. It is her right too, yet she seem to be so gracious about everything and I’m everything but. Is there even anyone to be blamed?  No! No blame. Just demons screaming in your heart and creating noise in your head. And you pain. So much that you have an intense desire to just close up and shut down, for if you close up and shut down, you do not feel. And if you do not feel, you cannot hurt. You cannot pain.

Time has become your worst enemy. Your primary source of fear. Fear of loneliness and fear of becoming obsolete. Yesterday’s news. Redundant and old. You know the  reality is that it is not so, but these damn devils keep whispering, screaming, making you hear. Forcing you to listen.

So you sit down and you try to be sensible and rational. He does love you, you know that. She puts you first as well. You know that too.

So why the doubt?  

Why the lack of faith?

Why do I need so much reassurance and reaffirmation?

Is it because of past trust issues and past insecurities? Why can I not trust and believe without any doubt?  Why am I so careful? Is it fear of getting hurt by those you think and believe love you?  In the past you were also loved. Or so you thought. There were hidden, selfish and painful agendas. That hurt, crippled, and near destroyed you.

But that was then. Now is different. You won that battle and annihilated the enemy. Victory was yours!!! So why do you still feel fear and pain. Is it just a bad habit? A habit that wont die. I feel like giving up. Letting everything go and giving everything freedom. Freedom to do  and say and make without me. Without having to consider me and complicate things. Because I am damaged, irreparable, corrupted and lost. I should be cut loose before anyone else get pulled down by me.

Am I asking too much? Do I even have the right to ask or to expect, to want, to need, to wish. Maybe not. Maybe never.

So I will just stick to the familiar which brings me to the bottom line.

And that bottom line is…

I am never to be happy .

Never to be content.

Never to be at peace.

Maybe my contentment lies elsewhere and is not due now. So will stop trying and just wait.

So I will wait…

I am ready…

For the past week I have been grappling with my health. My one kidney struggling to do its job resulting in toxemia. I have forgotten how ill you can feel when struggling with renal problems. The constant nausea, headaches, dizziness and tiredness. Before I didn’t quite realise the seriousness of  having renal problems, but as I am now getting older I have come to the realisation that I can and would probably die of renal failure unless something else comes up before then. And it will. I know that. I have always felt that old age was not something I should look forward to. Longevity was not part  of my life plan or path.

Which made me reflect on many things. And then I remembered what someone , well more than one person actually, had asked me. When I , we, embarked on this journey or a polygamous marriage and I informed those I felt needed to know, I was asked whether I was dying. I was a bit surprised if not a little perturbed by this very unexpected question. “Why are you asking me that?” was my confused response.  “Well”, I was informed, “It seem as though you are getting things in place for your family for when you not there anymore. Someone to be a wife for your husband and a mother to your children. Obviously someone you trust and know will be good for your family.” Needless to say I totally dispelled any such notion to the extent that I found this kind of paranoia funny and laughable.

However now 5 months down the line, and having been really sick for the first time in years, I find myself questioning my mortality. Questioning the journey Allah has put me on. Questioning how building blocks have been laid down seemingly in isolation, over an extended period of time. But upon reflection and retrospection all these random and isolated instances and emotional growth and movement seem anything but random and isolated. They seem to be part of an elaborate and covert plan architected by a higher power with a vision that is obscured from  to us.

Question is: Am I that special that Allah would afford me the gift of having the peace of mind that those I love is taken care of and are all together to be a support to each other when I no longer walk this earth. Maybe this is the reward for all my pain and suffering all of my life.  I believe in a fair and benevolent Creator and if this elaborate plan indeed is the gift of peace of mind than the benevolence of my Allah is confirmed and I regard myself special, chosen and lucky.

In in that light I want to say thank you. Thank you Allah for caring enough for me to do all of this for me. I stand before you ready and waiting for whatever the next journey is that you taking me on. Be it longevity or death. I am ready…

Handling Hurdles

Its early morning hours. Sleep is evading me once again. Why can my heart, my mind not find peace? Why does dependence now seen the norm. I am strong and independent. A modern woman who should not need. I am bold and brave. I am… Lonely and alone.
This hurdle is a challenge to overcome. But overcome I will
Or die trying…

pawn on a chessboard

I’ve told him to do so many things. Just as I did in the beginning when we started on this journey. Guiding him every step of  the way to make her feel special.
Then they got married and still I would remind him, “Remember its one month today”;”She’s not feeling well, spend the night with her”; “Why not take her out for coffee?”;”Did you comment on her outfit?”. And every time I sent you away to be with her there would be the slightest pang of something.
Then it was her birthday and prior to that she had told me that you only took her out alone once really. So I did what I always do. I coached. I interfered. “Take her away even just for one night.” You did not seem keen to leave me behind. But just like before I put up a good act and convinced you that it the right thing. What is needed. What she deserved. Despite the fact that we have not gone away in ages. “Surprise her” I said.

So I packed your overnight bag and supplies. And all the time my heart was tearing apart. Bleeding as it broke into thousand pieces. My tears flowing freely. But this is what is needed. I knew. I even convinced you.
I have by now learnt that certain necessary acts will unavoidably bring pain. Pain I will work through and overcome.
I cried for many hours. Sms’d you as a means of reassuring myself. I knew it was hard for you to leave me. To leave me crying, alone and far away from you. Not in reach of your comfort. But again you trusted that I am giving you the right guidance and advice. Despite my pain and tears that was so intense that I could not even conceal it from your eyes.
You phoned before bedtime and again in the morning. I know why. Because you were worried. Worried that I was still paining.
You came back bearing gifts. I understand why. Because you loved me even more for being willing to pain for her sake. For giving to her what she so desired and wished for despite my pain. You were proud of me. I saw it in your eyes.

Now the tables have turned. It was my birthday and the gesture was returned. She told you to take me away even just for one night. I have agreed to not argue. To trust that whatever is offered or done for me is needed. There was no tears from her. You did not need convincing as before. Should I feel guilty or bad. I had to fight not to. After almost two decades of marriage I guess it is expected.
But then I realise your focus is on me feeling better. Me coping better. That is her intention too. So you focus on me completely or maybe you don’t yet have the same need for her as you do for me. A need that have grown over many years. I know in time it will be there for her too. I know she knows it to. (I just hope she believes it.) Or maybe you thought you both are on the same page. But I guess she was not. She had expectations. Expectations because of what she saw when she was away with you. Is it bean counting?  I don’t think so. Just dreams that did not materialise.

But still I feel bad for you. You constantly are expected to say, to do, to give. Expected by me and expected by her. So what is left for you?

Have I robbed you of your life? Have I robbed you of your quality of life? The pressures you are under is inhumane. Pressure of time, place, emotions, expression and finance. I fail to see you having any quality of life. I find myself overcome with guilt. Did I do this to you?
I hate that you are passed around like a toy or accessory. Sometimes I get it and sometimes she does.
I wish I knew how to strike a balance. I wish I knew how to not also want. I see how much you do, you give. I just wish I did not need more.

Wish you were not …
a pawn on a chess board.

easy taking

I gave. I gave big.
I did. I did huge.
Because I loved big.
Would not accept no or maybe. Only yes would do.
U said lets wait. I said no. U have the right to have what is yours.
Trust me is what I asked. It will be good for you, I promised. Its will make things better. It will take the pain away. I convinced you it is the right thing. The best thing.
So you trusted. You believed what I give can only be good. Believed that it will be good and that I know what you need. And I am giving freely, willingly and selflessly. So you accepted graciously.
So now the tables are turned. Trust me, you ask. It will be good for me, you promised. It’s what you need, you said.

So I have to learn to trust and receive and accept from others. Accepting is difficult, but I will learn.
Will learn to…
Trust and accept graciously.

Almost 5 months

Its been almost five months now that life has changed dramatically. Five months that I have gone from being exclusive  to sharing my husband with my friend. In two weeks they would be celebrating their 5 month wedding anniversary.  Five months of ups and downs. Tears and laughter. Happiness and discontent. Regrets? Still none. Questions? Many.

Time and quality of time seem to be the biggest issue. Time spent. Time lost. Time alone. Time together.  Fair time. Equal time. Quality time. Valuable time.. Time, time, time.

So how can we resolve the time issue. Before my husband and I embarked on this journey of polygamy, time was of no consequence. Whatever we did not get to today. Whatever was not said, discussed or resolved today. Whatever was not fulfilled today. Is of no consequence today. For there is tomorrow, the next day, next month. We have a lifetime together still. And we still have all of those, but the spontaneity is gone. Because now there is a countdown. Four more days, three more days, two more days, one last night. And before you know it you are so wrapped up in counting days, that you forget to get value and quality out of the days you have.

Seven days together and seven days apart. But it became six and then sometimes five. So you have gone from thirty days together to a measly twelve or ten days spent with your husband. Quality has been diminished as quantity has declined. A life planned and scheduled. Timed and calculated.

But life is not planned and scheduled nor can it be timed or calculated. Life happens, when it happens ,how it happens. Without warning, consideration or permission.

There is no such thing as “This week I am alone so I will not allow any issues to come up or to be dealt with” or ” This week I’m alone so I will not allow sadness or loneliness to creep up on me. Next week I can feel and deal with all of those things, because he will be here to `catch me when I fall. To wipe my tears away. To hold my hand and sooth any pain or sadness away.”

But next week will only happen…

Next week.

Reflect & Regret

Reflection can bring many realisations. Some positive like,

 I did good this week.

I made a difference in someone’s life. Showed someone to appreciate those close to them. Showed someone who there  are others in the world who cares without you knowing they do. I stood by my principles and did what I had to do and not what I was expected to do. I  gave someone a hug, another a smile. Dried the tears of one and brought laughter to another. I made a suggestion that cannot benefit me right now, but because it is the right thing, the fair thing and it is just, I did it anyway. The consolation is that my time will come. The scales will tip my way too.

I did good

But reflection can adversely also result in not so positive  realisation, choices and decisions.

You reflect on the recent and not so recent past. You did something big for a sibling that you love. You did not care what the impact or consequences for you would be. Your main and primary focus is to save them, to make them happy. To restore their faith and give hope and a promise of a better tomorrow. But everything is not in your power. Things don’t always work out the way we plan or hope. And now you have to deal with the very consequences of your decision to extend your hand to another. And now you have regrets. It was a wasted and expensive effort. But such is life. Sometimes it works and we are happy and sometimes it doesn’t and we have regret.

You reflect on past squandering. How what you had could have alleviated so much discomfort. Could have brought peace of mind. But time cannot be turned back. Than you have to resign yourself to. The only comfort then is…it brought joy. Still brings joy. So…

No regrets!!!

You reflect on yourself, your life , your reality. You realise that inevitably  change bring uncertainty. Uncertainty that can only be countered by having faith and trust. Faith and trust  in your creator, those around you and yourself.

Then upon reflecting you realise that certain aspects of your existence are being left behind, some are being neglected and some are being threatened. Their very existence threatened by this reflection of  change. You realise that timing is not your friend, but rather a taunting , bitter old hag out to just cause discomfort. You realise that your realisation has come at the wrong time and thus everything else seem wrong and empty.

So again you reflect. you rethink. you reconsider.