The Road Not Taken

The other day I read a poem by Robert Frost called “The road not taken” and for a bit I was somewhat confused. Could it be that when I wrote the poem down form the textbook, that I made an error in the title. Should it not be “The Road To Take”? But after checking, it was indeed the “the Road Not Taken”.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-by Robert Frost

In  this poem the poet finds himself at a fork in the road and has to choose which road to take. One road looked well worn by traffic while the second road appeared to be unscathed by traffic as it is covered in green grass with no trace of leaves trampled and rotting. He weighs his options and decide to choose the green road not being sure what influenced his choice. But in an effort to sooth his guilt of choosing the one road over the other, he promises himself that one day in the future he will return to take the other road. But in his heart he knows every road takes you away from another road, but leads you to another and so each new road you take not only takes you to a new road but also takes you father away from the road you did not choose. But as much as you accept the road you took and the journey it took you on, you will always wonder what the road you did not take would have brought you, where it would’ve taken you and what opportunities you missed because of not taking that road.

And as usual messages from my creator comes in different and sometimes strange ways. Because today I find myself exactly at a crossroad. A fork in the road with both options unknown to me. One seems to be a safe choice because it seems well travelled, the other green and unscathed by the footsteps of life.

So what do I choose…which road do I take?

 

Never before in my life have I felt so lost; so ungrounded. It feels as though my life lies shattered at my feet. Broken in so many pieces that it appears an impossibility to fix. Many of the shards left so sharp, that any attempt to reach for it result in f injury. Some pieces are so small that any attempt for fix it will be futile. And so I stand here with a sense of hopelessness not even knowing where to start to glue the remaining saveable shards back together again. And then added to that I still find myself standing at a fork in the road, not knowing which is the best one to choose,

So what does these two roads offer?

Road one…..

is the one that is familiar albeit destructive. The one that is known because of past experience, faith and the illusion that things will always be ok again but in reality laced with pain and sadness.

Or

take the new untraveled, unscathed road. Terrifying for fear of the unfamiliar and unknown, yet exciting with the promise of  hope and the new.

A cross-road indeed.

Much to ponder/

Operation ME

This morning I feel again. Woke up without anxiety and was able to move a mountain with out effort or regret and with ease and conviction. I did good. Hope it was seen by those who have lost faith in me.

I am little by little regaining faith in myself and I imagine it will not be a swift or easy. But I will do my best to persevere on this journey to rediscovering myself.

Understanding my situation and accepting is stage 1 of  ‘Operation making me whole again.’

As they say, it has to get worse before it gets better. So I will hang tight and wait.

Rollercoaster

 

For years we have been on is this rollercoaster. This way, that way, up then down, good then bad. A very tiresome life indeed.

 

And through all this time love was the constant. Didn’t matter what life or rather me, dished up, love made you hold on. Love made you have faith. Love made you support. Love made you believe and Love made you forgive.

 

 

But I also love. I also love much and deeply.

So when you hurt, I hurt.

 And I am the one inflicting or causing the pain (directly or indirectly).

 

I then in turn I hurt and overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and despair. The pain I see in your eyes stabs through me like the edge of a serrated knife tearing through the flesh of my heart.

And I have tried over time to not be the antagonist but seem to easily revert to that side of me as soon as I am with my back against the wall. Fearing what will happen this time. how will I mess up this time. Who will I hurt this time.

So tired of my own unkept promises.

So tired of dissappointing myself.

I am tired of breaking myself down.

So tired of feeling pain.

So tired of causing pain.

So tired of feeling like I can finally be happy.

But mostly,

Iam tired of seeing pain in your eyes

Unhappiness n your eyes.

I’m sorry…

But even those words must sound so hollow by now…

PlodDing PolygaMath!!!

Often you hear marriage is a 50/50 partnership. But what exactly does that mean.Does it mean you should only give 50% and expect only 50% in return? But that would leave you with only 50% again. So then logic would dictate that you give 100% in order to receive 100%. Something most marriages just do not get right.

Thus essentially marriage is then not a case of two halves making a whole, but rather a case of two wholes completing and adding value to each other.

But how does the math work if the fraction or equation is subject to 3 parts as opposed to two. Then the math becomes even more complicated because how do you get 50/50 from a three part equation.

In a monogamous marriage the wife and the husband would be the two equal contributors, but what to do if there is one husband and two wives. Should each wife in polyganous marriage now give 100% and is she to expect 100% return? And if so, the husband should then be giving 200% in order to accomodate both wives. A bit taxing, dont you think? Or should each wife accept that the poor husband can only give 50% to each wife thus giving each of the wives the right also to only give 50% to him.

Sounds all wrong doesn’t it? So how do you work this. I certaily dont know.

I guess this this one will get filed under unsolved mysteries.

 I use to have 100% and now I have less. Not sure if I have 50% because question is 50% of what. Is it 50% of what I had or of what I could have now. Or is it 50% of what is available at any given time. The only certainty is to have 100% and then be reduced to an unknown number is discontenting, as your emotional budget in no way can balance. Simply because the expected emotional expense have not yet adjusted to the smaller emotional budget. And all this uncertainly makes it even harder to solve this complicated equation called polygaMATH.

Too many unknowns, making a solution impossible.

PolygaMATH will remain unsolved!!!

Flipping a Switch

Focus is a funny thing. If maintained correctly it can be very effective. If not, it could lead to great losses and errors that could bring regret, pain or sometimes sorrow.

So focus is critical!!!

 

But what if your focus and mindset has to change minute to hour to day to  night. What if it has  to be divided between two very different focal points. How do you manage that.

In a polygamous marriage  the primary focus ( in my personal experience of course) is time. Time spent, time lost, time missed, time wanted, time fairness. But that is only from the perspective of the wives. They want their piece of pie. After all it is not even a whole pie but part there of and one really do not want to still lose of the fraction that already have to settle for.

But what about the husband, who has to bounce around like a ping-pong ball and is passed around like a cold cup of coffee by students on a really broke day.

His life is dictated by a schedule decided mostly by the wives whose primary consideration is how the schedule impacts on them in terms of being with the husband, being alone and/or  benefitting maximum from the time spent with the husband. For example; weekends become a biggie as it bring mornings of lying in with hubby and thus getting a bit more time and hoping that it would be quality time spent.

How much time is spent in considering how the whole schedule is set up and how it affects him. Does he get any quality time out of the interactions with his wives. Where does his needs feature. Or should he just settle with the idea that he is nothing but shared property of the wives passed around and borrowed out like that pair of stilettos communally owned by his wives.

Somehow, being one of these wives and loving this man deeply, these thoughts saddens me.

Simply because I know him. He loves sincerely. Those he loves, is loved because of who they are and what they mean to him. Not because of what he can get from them. Not because of what they can do for him, have to offer, or how he can benefit from them. But simply because he LOVES them. And more importantly his love is primarily motivated by making and keeping those he loves happy, content and smiling. And he would go to the end of the world to ensure that those he love are indeed happy, content and smiling.

But again the question arises; Where does HE get his happiness, contentment and smiles from? I see his struggles and I see the pain in his eyes. I see the hopelessness and desperation that is weighing him down. And worst of all I see his tears.

Quality of life does not exist for him. He has to flip and toggle  like switch between his wives. Switching on and off from one night to the next. Remembering who asked what. Who needs what. Who said what. Where he leaves his shoes. Where he goes to relax and how will it impact on whoever’s room is chosen for relaxation or is not chosen. being torn between seeing both wives in need of support and not knowing which way as there will always be someone left behind.

WHAT? WHERE? WHEN? WHY? WHO? HOW?

PULLING!  TUGGING!  JERKING!! YANKING!!

That seem to be the life of a polygamous husband. But can that really be called a life?

Polygamy is all about justice and fairness, but where is the justice and fairness for this wonderful man who loves and gives without asking anything in return.

So wives heed this…

Try to give your husband a life…

After all he deserves to have one!!!!!

Spontaneous, Impromptu, Romance and Schedules

 Marriage always use to be difficult. Filled with lots of anger, pain and discontent. All stemming from past trauma and hurt. 

But in between there was always those special moments, romantic moments, sweet moments, passionate moments and naughty moments. Then there were moments of being ravaged, taken and conquered. And that is what made us survive the past 17 plus years. Our absolute love, attraction, dedication and desire for each other. A desire that had no bounds and no constraints. Being together and wanting to be together was always primary. And it was all so exciting and sweet. All at the same time.
 

But polygamy brings its own set of rules. Rules of sharing, planning, timing and scheduling. How I hate the damn schedule. It completely takes the fun, spontaneity and impulsivity away. Playfulness, teasing, flirting is still there but the schedule does not accommodate for it. Unless the play and the schedule is in synch. Which ultimately means play has to be scheduled too. So another schedule to support the first schedule.
 
 
 
The same goes for romance too. A late cup of tea together in the lounge after everyone has retired to their own spaces. Sitting on the stoep after morning prayers before the sun even blinked to the new day. A simple errand to go buy bread and milk evolving into a drive in the countryside or a takeaway coffee from a local drive-thru eaterie. The everyday and mundane now have become contentious issues of fairness equality and justice, sucking the spontaneity right out of it. Resulting in rather not doing it at all as it only complicates life… and love. Unexpected flowers are not as special as they were as it not done for you alone and there is no way to know whether you were the primary or secondary thought invoking the gesture.  Everything is shared and nothing is sacred, special, exclusive.
 
 
 
The greatest blessing however is that the not only has the love remained constant, it has also have increased tenfold. So I guess gratitude is appropriate and it eases the losses incurred. 

    

 
My 18th anniversary is coming up and already I have anxiety about it. Before it use to always be a time for just the two of us. Now it affects another. So my general feeling is ” just don’t do anything”, ” Keep it low-key”. It safer that way,then no one will get hurt or left behind and no expectations and pressure will be created.
 
 
But every cloud has a silver lining. We loving more, deeper, more sincerely, more honestly  with a greater appreciation of so many things we always took for granted.
  
  
  

BUT…. 

 I DO miss the spontaneity and impulsivity though,

  

Because now we have to

Typically untypical!

When you get married the husband has to provide the for his new wife with what she is accustomed to. And when you take a second wife the same rule applies. But what does that really mean. Or more so what does it mean to be fair and just. Is just and fair synonyms to each other. Is it a tit for tat situation. Is it a situation of she get, I get or vice versa. Or it it a case of maintaining the status quo.

Before my husband would fulfill all my needs. I seldom had ask. If i needed something, I could simply go and buy it permitting the money was available. Now I see his hesitance. -‘What about her? What should I get her?’ We were out alone once and went away for one night in the last six months. My husband use to be romantic now even that has diminished. So many things that is prevelent in a typical relationship just is not present. Maybe because this is not a typical relationship. Anything but typical. Our relationship is unlike any other. It is not only special and uncommon but it is intense, loyal, sincere and more importantly, it involves and evolves around not one but three people. Three people in four different relationships. Four? Yes four! There is me and him, him and her, she and me and then there is the three of us. Like I said, not typical at all.
Yet in this untypical relationship we expect our husband to act in a typical manner. Offering typical gestures and doing typical things.
It is typical to want o be with your wife, but it is not typical to not have that option or choice because you are scheduled to be with the other. It is typical to want to ask your wife to drive with to the shops, but not typical to have to decide which one to ask. It is typical to want to take your wife away for a weekend, but it is not typical to be faced with the fact that the other one will be left behind. It typical to want to take your wife out for a romantic dinner. What is not typical is to choose which one to take first and which one to leave for next time. So typical? I think not.

So is it then fair to have typical expectations. To want what is in a typical relationship. To desire and want that which is typical. Or should we rather write a new chapter with new expectations, needs, wants and desires. And then rather relish in the uncommon and untypical. And allow our husband to be untypical and wonderful in his way with both of us by his side most of the time and as often as he wants. Because he is not your average, typical husband and should be allowed to be and act untypical in his untypical marriage with his untypical wives. Here’s to being uncommon and…
Untypical