The Road Not Taken

The other day I read a poem by Robert Frost called “The road not taken” and for a bit I was somewhat confused. Could it be that when I wrote the poem down form the textbook, that I made an error in the title. Should it not be “The Road To Take”? But after checking, it was indeed the “the Road Not Taken”.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-by Robert Frost

In  this poem the poet finds himself at a fork in the road and has to choose which road to take. One road looked well worn by traffic while the second road appeared to be unscathed by traffic as it is covered in green grass with no trace of leaves trampled and rotting. He weighs his options and decide to choose the green road not being sure what influenced his choice. But in an effort to sooth his guilt of choosing the one road over the other, he promises himself that one day in the future he will return to take the other road. But in his heart he knows every road takes you away from another road, but leads you to another and so each new road you take not only takes you to a new road but also takes you father away from the road you did not choose. But as much as you accept the road you took and the journey it took you on, you will always wonder what the road you did not take would have brought you, where it would’ve taken you and what opportunities you missed because of not taking that road.

And as usual messages from my creator comes in different and sometimes strange ways. Because today I find myself exactly at a crossroad. A fork in the road with both options unknown to me. One seems to be a safe choice because it seems well travelled, the other green and unscathed by the footsteps of life.

So what do I choose…which road do I take?

 

Never before in my life have I felt so lost; so ungrounded. It feels as though my life lies shattered at my feet. Broken in so many pieces that it appears an impossibility to fix. Many of the shards left so sharp, that any attempt to reach for it result in f injury. Some pieces are so small that any attempt for fix it will be futile. And so I stand here with a sense of hopelessness not even knowing where to start to glue the remaining saveable shards back together again. And then added to that I still find myself standing at a fork in the road, not knowing which is the best one to choose,

So what does these two roads offer?

Road one…..

is the one that is familiar albeit destructive. The one that is known because of past experience, faith and the illusion that things will always be ok again but in reality laced with pain and sadness.

Or

take the new untraveled, unscathed road. Terrifying for fear of the unfamiliar and unknown, yet exciting with the promise of  hope and the new.

A cross-road indeed.

Much to ponder/

Operation ME

This morning I feel again. Woke up without anxiety and was able to move a mountain with out effort or regret and with ease and conviction. I did good. Hope it was seen by those who have lost faith in me.

I am little by little regaining faith in myself and I imagine it will not be a swift or easy. But I will do my best to persevere on this journey to rediscovering myself.

Understanding my situation and accepting is stage 1 of  ‘Operation making me whole again.’

As they say, it has to get worse before it gets better. So I will hang tight and wait.

Rollercoaster

 

For years we have been on is this rollercoaster. This way, that way, up then down, good then bad. A very tiresome life indeed.

 

And through all this time love was the constant. Didn’t matter what life or rather me, dished up, love made you hold on. Love made you have faith. Love made you support. Love made you believe and Love made you forgive.

 

 

But I also love. I also love much and deeply.

So when you hurt, I hurt.

 And I am the one inflicting or causing the pain (directly or indirectly).

 

I then in turn I hurt and overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and despair. The pain I see in your eyes stabs through me like the edge of a serrated knife tearing through the flesh of my heart.

And I have tried over time to not be the antagonist but seem to easily revert to that side of me as soon as I am with my back against the wall. Fearing what will happen this time. how will I mess up this time. Who will I hurt this time.

So tired of my own unkept promises.

So tired of dissappointing myself.

I am tired of breaking myself down.

So tired of feeling pain.

So tired of causing pain.

So tired of feeling like I can finally be happy.

But mostly,

Iam tired of seeing pain in your eyes

Unhappiness n your eyes.

I’m sorry…

But even those words must sound so hollow by now…