Relationships are interesting. Friendships are supposed to be healing and positive situations but sometimes…. There are individuals who pose as “friends” and they plot, and then steal what you deem worthy. Today is a day I’ll neva forget. Used to share my secrets with ya. Used to laugh about some crazy stuff with you. What I failed to realize is that you were using my information for your usage. And today is a day I’ll neva forget. This is a day you waited for. You wanted what I had. So you stole. What you fail to realize is that I am not in the darkness like you wanted me to be in. What you fail to realize is that I am God’s angel and he has my back. You can’t steal what things he has given to me. And even though I am trippin’ on your sillyness, I can’t blame you for wanting what I have. What i have is deep and real. What I have is beautiful. What I got you still can’t have. You have something with no substance. I have a deeper gift. A deeper thang. Sistah you can’t steal what blessings he has given to me. You can’t steal my joy. I’m still here. I’m still blessed. So even though I am disappointed in you, know that I am the bigger person and I won’t act crazy. I am going to be real with you. I am still going to be me. But I will neva trust you again. This betrayal is a little too much even for me.
Joy is in the simple things: touching,
Embracing, chattering on for hours about nothing,
Sure of your place within another’s heart.
Simple things: like coming home knowing
Exactly where the treasure lies; like being
At ease with what you do and who you are;
Needing what you already have; accepting,
Desiring what you have been given; feeling
The gratitude of someone who is loved;
Investing goodness instead of money; giving
For the pleasure of giving pleasure; seeing
Fortune come to take you in its arms.
All this joy is yours for the price of loving,
Not only well but long, days of willing,
Years and years of wise and patient love.
Because of you …
Today was one of those strange days. One of those days when I feel completely quiet inside, but not numb.
When i feel gentle and peaceful. Vulnerable and fragile. Yet restless at the same time.
And this lull that is radiating from the pit of my stomach meanders on an endless and mindless path back and forth between my mind and heart.
On days like this silence is my best friend yet loneliness forces unwanted company.
So in a nutshell I have not been able to, in all of these years, understand or define this strange feeling.
What hand long been apparent however, is that this undefined feeling brings structure to my internal chaos, inspire my creativity and cultivates my productivity.
But all of the above feelings. thoughts and observations are dwarfed by something much more intense.
On days like this I feel like crawling under my husbands skin and resting my head under his heart.
On days like this I feel a closeness to him unlike anything I can describe in words.
On days like this I miss my darling so much, that it hurts.
On days like this I realise…
I am blessed.
Every now and then we move into a negative space and suddenly all we focus on on is the little things we normally are able to ignore and tolerate. only now they have exploded from tiny dewdrops to destructive monsoons.
And if you are not careful, you might be swept away by the storm floods and end up as debris all damaged and broken up.
So don’t get smashed by that irrational tsunami and swept away by the emotional monsoon.
Rather flee for higher ground and wait for the storm to pass
In the times that we live we are constantly bombarded by ideals of tolerance and forgiveness
And yes, in a perfect world everybody will be naturally caring,loving, forgiving and tolerant. But being forgiving and tolerant is not allotted to everyone.
Some of us need immediate retribution as means to instant gratification and an immense desire to prove the guilt of another.
But the human species is adjustable, dynamic and resilient.We are able shift and change and adapt as needed.
We can put our happy face on at any time, despite what or how we may feel inside.
Be Brave when needed
Be cautious when needed
Be reckless when needed
Take chances when needed
Be gentle when needed
Be strong when needed
Cry bitterly when needed
Laugh hysterically when needed
Be humble when needed
Be proud when needed
Be sad when needed
Be happy when needed
Be kind when needed
Be harsh when needed
Be quiet when needed
Be silent when needed
Make our voice heard when needed
Be critical when needed
Believe when needed
Trust when needed
Have faith needed
Question when needed
Introspect when needed
And all this is needed
But also points you to where you gone wrong and how different actions could have led to different outcomes.
You realise that in some some battles the casualties are far too great to justify the fight.
You realise that you are combatant in an endless and waisted conflict that is not worthy of being pursued.
And that you are wasting precious resources on a futile and waisted effort.
Why not rather focus on the small battles won and forget about the raging war and the constant hope of the spoils it might render.
However, it’s easier said than done.
I think at the risk of sounding like I know, I am of the opinion that the very energy used to constantly engage in wasted fighting should be utilised in moving towards that which is positive and focus on the gifts you have in your life and in recognising them and appreciating them, more joy and happiness will fill your world and the people who shares it with you.
So go on!
Follow the song in your heart and forget the noise in your mind that is keeping you on the battlefield and is bogging you down.
I have not been blogging or even journalling in a while. Tried a few times but without success. Too much have been going on. Too many blockages. And too many battles to fight, decisions to make and stops to put in place.
All in an attempt to make life possible without the haunts of the past.
Without the constant bombardment of internal and external turmoil. Torn between my natural instinct to give and do for others and my instinct that all of us has certain undeniable obligations and responsibilities.
I understand that one hand washes the other but that does not exempt you from owning up to what is your responsibility. So one has a part to play and one should be aware of that role and understand that it is not a choice but and obligation.
The first obligation one has is to be true to yourself, but this is very often clouded by affections you have for those close to you. Especially when you realise gifts have been given that you did not need, Sacrifices have been made that you didn’t want.
This realisation in turn sends you on a spiral of sometimes anger, resentment, discomfort and guilt, but also a feeling of being out of control of your personal domain.
Then in an attempt to restore your personal equilibrium and alleviate the feelings guilt due the sacrifices having been made for you, you try to return the same gift. Only to then be judged and purged for your efforts and .
All this ends up in a sick cat and mouse game that result in tears, sadness, discontent and arguments.
How do get them to understand that I do not want favours.
Do not need favours.
And to check with me as to hat my needs are.
My independence cannot be sacrificed under the premise of HELP!!