Today was one of those days etched in my memory.
But also one of those days I would choose to fade with the fog into the sunlight.
Today my crimes and offenses were laid bare. Exposed for all (the new psychiatrist) to see. And what a dark and sombre occasion it turned out to be.
My head bowed in shame, my face filled with pain and tears flowing freely.
I saw my life as if i was looking into a fish bowl with myself being a monstrous gold fish.
I am a monster, a demon, an affliction that sows maximum damage to all that comes near. The closer to me you are, the more likely you are to become a target of my violent outbursts and attacks or fall victim to my darkness
So again someone promise to be able to help. Someone promises a magic potion. A miracle cure. Just another one to add to a list of many.
But this is my reality. Ugly and painful as it is.
So the only way now is forward and upward. Leaving the dark, ugly and painful behind.
Easier said than down, but worth making an earnest attempt.
That attempt together with faith and prayer, maybe, just maybe, some headway can be achieved.
So now to start over…
Yesterday therapy was painful. After lots of honesty and candid talking, the conclusion came as such a shock. Old label replaced with new. But not just one but two.
Regression is evident. Tablets are to be reviewed and adjusted. Now again will be discomfort, anxiety, headaches, insomnia and irritation. I feel like my world is crumbling to my feet right before my eyes. More anxiety for the family. More for hubby to have to deal with. I hate bi-polar 2.
But I hate my two new enemies even more.
Bi-polar 1 and BPD absolutely positively and passionately
HATE and DESPISE you!
Things are really topsy turvy right now. I feel like my world has been turned on its head. Pulled right from under my feet.
But its not the impact it has on me that is the issue. It is how my lack of substance and stainability of myself, are impacting on others.
I seem to have a very negative impact on those around me. I’m over sensitive and thus view everything and anything as an attack on my being.
And that I guess results in me being unreasonable, unfair and irrational.
So I in an attempt to remedy or salvage the situation, I have one of two options.
Totally retract and remove myself in order to not land in possible confrontational situations or encounters
Trust and allow those who love you to carry you and trust that they have only good intentions that comes from a place of caring.
But trust is my biggest foe.
The one thing that I have not been able to acquiree in my years of dealing with troubles and pain.
I sometimes even question my own intentions. My own character. Very often I would find the words that exit my mouth to sound hollow and insincere. Finding myself in a place to have to convince myself. Lacking the conviction to even trust myself.
I find people liking me, loving me and I cannot help or stop myself from questioning their motives and intentions. Cannot help but wanting to ask what do they really want. Are they sincere? I wonder.
I find friends expressing their feelings and affections for me and the passion and sincerity would often shock me.
How can I be love in such a way.
I am not deserving of it.
So bottom line is…
If I cannot see myself, how can i believe what others see.
If I cannot love myself, How can i believe others love me.
If I cannot like myself, how can I belive others like me
If I cannot trust myself
how can I ever trust others.
Tears are the shower your heart takes when in need of cleansing.
Part of your heart’s beauty routine. An all in one cleanser, toner and moisturiser… For your heart.
Tears wash away all emotional impurities, feelings of discomfort and any other kind of pain that could disembellish the face of the heart.
The heart’s own showers of blessings.
Like the desert needs rain, the heart needs tears to refresh and renew.
Tears revitalise the heart when it feels tired and renews the heart when it feels old and rundown.
The facelift and the grueling exercise regime of the heart. Beautifying and strengthening the heart all at the same time.
Tears are there when we are sad and when we feel bad.
Tears are there when we are happy and when we feel glad.
And tears are there for everything else in between.
So go on, Cry.
Its good for you…
and for your heart.