Relationships are interesting. Friendships are supposed to be healing and positive situations but sometimes…. There are individuals who pose as “friends” and they plot, and then steal what you deem worthy. Today is a day I’ll neva forget. Used to share my secrets with ya. Used to laugh about some crazy stuff with you. What I failed to realize is that you were using my information for your usage. And today is a day I’ll neva forget. This is a day you waited for. You wanted what I had. So you stole. What you fail to realize is that I am not in the darkness like you wanted me to be in. What you fail to realize is that I am God’s angel and he has my back. You can’t steal what things he has given to me. And even though I am trippin’ on your sillyness, I can’t blame you for wanting what I have. What i have is deep and real. What I have is beautiful. What I got you still can’t have. You have something with no substance. I have a deeper gift. A deeper thang. Sistah you can’t steal what blessings he has given to me. You can’t steal my joy. I’m still here. I’m still blessed. So even though I am disappointed in you, know that I am the bigger person and I won’t act crazy. I am going to be real with you. I am still going to be me. But I will neva trust you again. This betrayal is a little too much even for me.
Yesterday therapy was painful. After lots of honesty and candid talking, the conclusion came as such a shock. Old label replaced with new. But not just one but two.
Regression is evident. Tablets are to be reviewed and adjusted. Now again will be discomfort, anxiety, headaches, insomnia and irritation. I feel like my world is crumbling to my feet right before my eyes. More anxiety for the family. More for hubby to have to deal with. I hate bi-polar 2.
But I hate my two new enemies even more.
Bi-polar 1 and BPD absolutely positively and passionately
HATE and DESPISE you!
In the times that we live we are constantly bombarded by ideals of tolerance and forgiveness
And yes, in a perfect world everybody will be naturally caring,loving, forgiving and tolerant. But being forgiving and tolerant is not allotted to everyone.
Some of us need immediate retribution as means to instant gratification and an immense desire to prove the guilt of another.
But the human species is adjustable, dynamic and resilient.We are able shift and change and adapt as needed.
We can put our happy face on at any time, despite what or how we may feel inside.
Be Brave when needed
Be cautious when needed
Be reckless when needed
Take chances when needed
Be gentle when needed
Be strong when needed
Cry bitterly when needed
Laugh hysterically when needed
Be humble when needed
Be proud when needed
Be sad when needed
Be happy when needed
Be kind when needed
Be harsh when needed
Be quiet when needed
Be silent when needed
Make our voice heard when needed
Be critical when needed
Believe when needed
Trust when needed
Have faith needed
Question when needed
Introspect when needed
And all this is needed
I have not been blogging or even journalling in a while. Tried a few times but without success. Too much have been going on. Too many blockages. And too many battles to fight, decisions to make and stops to put in place.
All in an attempt to make life possible without the haunts of the past.
Without the constant bombardment of internal and external turmoil. Torn between my natural instinct to give and do for others and my instinct that all of us has certain undeniable obligations and responsibilities.
I understand that one hand washes the other but that does not exempt you from owning up to what is your responsibility. So one has a part to play and one should be aware of that role and understand that it is not a choice but and obligation.
The first obligation one has is to be true to yourself, but this is very often clouded by affections you have for those close to you. Especially when you realise gifts have been given that you did not need, Sacrifices have been made that you didn’t want.
This realisation in turn sends you on a spiral of sometimes anger, resentment, discomfort and guilt, but also a feeling of being out of control of your personal domain.
Then in an attempt to restore your personal equilibrium and alleviate the feelings guilt due the sacrifices having been made for you, you try to return the same gift. Only to then be judged and purged for your efforts and .
All this ends up in a sick cat and mouse game that result in tears, sadness, discontent and arguments.
How do get them to understand that I do not want favours.
Do not need favours.
And to check with me as to hat my needs are.
My independence cannot be sacrificed under the premise of HELP!!
SO THANK YOU, BUT NO THANK YOU!!!
So it is here.
The dying breath of 2010 after a long, painful but brave and courageous battle.
But despite all the obstacles it most certainly feels to drawing to a close on a maybe not high but positive note.
At least where it matters.
Once again love not only survived but also conquered all.
This year I lost much.
Sacrificed much and had to to make huge paradigm shifts and massively had to adjust my view of what my life should be and would be like looking forward. But above all so much have been gained this year.
Our family grew with an additional wife and mother and our brood grew in the form of a well spoken, eloquent, toothless but absolutely adorable
This morning I feel again. Woke up without anxiety and was able to move a mountain with out effort or regret and with ease and conviction. I did good. Hope it was seen by those who have lost faith in me.
I am little by little regaining faith in myself and I imagine it will not be a swift or easy. But I will do my best to persevere on this journey to rediscovering myself.
Understanding my situation and accepting is stage 1 of ‘Operation making me whole again.’
As they say, it has to get worse before it gets better. So I will hang tight and wait.
Avoiding your presence.
Avoiding your stare, your eyes.
For fear of what I might see.
Fear of disapproval.
Fear of anger.
Fear of hopelessness and pain.
Fear of Fear.
Fear of the future
The fear is crippling, and debilitating.
The fear feels unsurmountable.
Avoidance becomes a skill to be employed for self preservation.
I do not subscribe.
I do not deliver.
I do not comply.
Not to what you ask.
Not to what you desire.
Not what you need.
And I have tried.
And sometimes I feel like I manage, only to be informed that incidents had occurred again.
Incidents I cannot recall or have experienced differently.
Only to be told I have regressed yet again.
Making me despondent.
Am I living a lie?
Am I fooling myself.
I wish I could answer negative to those questions conviction.
But I can’t…