Relationships are interesting. Friendships are supposed to be healing and positive situations but sometimes…. There are individuals who pose as “friends” and they plot, and then steal what you deem worthy. Today is a day I’ll neva forget. Used to share my secrets with ya. Used to laugh about some crazy stuff with you. What I failed to realize is that you were using my information for your usage. And today is a day I’ll neva forget. This is a day you waited for. You wanted what I had. So you stole. What you fail to realize is that I am not in the darkness like you wanted me to be in. What you fail to realize is that I am God’s angel and he has my back. You can’t steal what things he has given to me. And even though I am trippin’ on your sillyness, I can’t blame you for wanting what I have. What i have is deep and real. What I have is beautiful. What I got you still can’t have. You have something with no substance. I have a deeper gift. A deeper thang. Sistah you can’t steal what blessings he has given to me. You can’t steal my joy. I’m still here. I’m still blessed. So even though I am disappointed in you, know that I am the bigger person and I won’t act crazy. I am going to be real with you. I am still going to be me. But I will neva trust you again. This betrayal is a little too much even for me.
Today was one of those days etched in my memory.
But also one of those days I would choose to fade with the fog into the sunlight.
Today my crimes and offenses were laid bare. Exposed for all (the new psychiatrist) to see. And what a dark and sombre occasion it turned out to be.
My head bowed in shame, my face filled with pain and tears flowing freely.
I saw my life as if i was looking into a fish bowl with myself being a monstrous gold fish.
I am a monster, a demon, an affliction that sows maximum damage to all that comes near. The closer to me you are, the more likely you are to become a target of my violent outbursts and attacks or fall victim to my darkness
So again someone promise to be able to help. Someone promises a magic potion. A miracle cure. Just another one to add to a list of many.
But this is my reality. Ugly and painful as it is.
So the only way now is forward and upward. Leaving the dark, ugly and painful behind.
Easier said than down, but worth making an earnest attempt.
That attempt together with faith and prayer, maybe, just maybe, some headway can be achieved.
So now to start over…
This morning while I was busy marking, something caught my attention on television. The program was about Bi-polar 2 disorder.
It could have easily been me sitting there being interviewed by the presenter. Everything rang true. (Echoed loudly.]
It was frightening, terrifying. For the first time I saw my life from the outside and looking in and it did not paint a pretty picture.
The interviewee unravelled my darkest moments filled with despair, pain, fear and confusion. Where in those dark moments I am laden with guilt of how I am torturing my loved ones. How I often embarrass myself and those around me uttering inappropriate and offensive things. I often hurt and offend all people I deal with. He spoke about the anger. The need to inflict maximum damage. The fact you know you should stop but is not able to do so.
The outbursts followed by being totally depleted of energy and the will to live.
Closely followed by desperate thoughts and planning of suicide and how you dying will be a gift to the world. Then comes the paranoia. Not trusting anyone. Even doubting yourself. Believing that you are a problem. You are seen as an invalid. You find it hard to believe those who claim to love you. You believe that they see you as sub-human and pitiful. You believe the world is out to get you and against you.
Then comes the self-pity. You feel sorry for yourself. You feel this great injustice God, the world, the universe have done unto you. You feel ugly. You want to crawl into the darkest hole and never ever emerge from it again. Life becomes hell. Breathing becomes effort. Sleep become an escape and work becomes impossible. And all you can do or have the strength to do is, to wait it out.
Wait till the next high or manic stage comes and you can feel somewhat human again. But mania comes with serious delusions of grandeur and false confidence. You feel you can move mountains. You start something new with all the energy you have inside. You obsess about this new venture. Then after a while (depending how long the mania lasts, you loose interest resulting in feelings of uselessness and failure.
And so the viscous cycle begins all over. Darkness and despair at forefront of this hellish circle of my life.
All this makes no sense. I am an intelligent , well read, experienced, pleasant, educated person.
I am likeable and loved by everyone I encounter. My children respect me and my husband loves me, more than anyone else and also unconditionally. So if I have so many people in my corner and husband who always puts me first and still after 19 years, see the girl he married. If I have a friend and sister- wife who loves me as her own sister if not more than a biological sister. If I have siblings a mother, mother in-law, friends and acquaintances that wants me in around an in their lives.
Why do I so often feel I am not deserving of this world. Of the love that is so freely and effortless given to me.
Watching this programme was such an eye opener. Reality check if you may. But most of all is the deep-rooted anger for being the the victim being punished for another’s past crimes. Crimes perpetrated against me. Crimes that went unpunished, so it is being paid forward to me.
This anger I feel is further fuelled by immense sense of hopelessness and fear.
So many questions…
What did I do ?
When will it get better?
Will I go insane eventually?
Will I get dementia as mentioned on the TV programme,
I would rather die, before I become a blabbering burden on my family.
I HATE THIS DESEASE!!!
But also points you to where you gone wrong and how different actions could have led to different outcomes.
You realise that in some some battles the casualties are far too great to justify the fight.
You realise that you are combatant in an endless and waisted conflict that is not worthy of being pursued.
And that you are wasting precious resources on a futile and waisted effort.
Why not rather focus on the small battles won and forget about the raging war and the constant hope of the spoils it might render.
However, it’s easier said than done.
I think at the risk of sounding like I know, I am of the opinion that the very energy used to constantly engage in wasted fighting should be utilised in moving towards that which is positive and focus on the gifts you have in your life and in recognising them and appreciating them, more joy and happiness will fill your world and the people who shares it with you.
So go on!
Follow the song in your heart and forget the noise in your mind that is keeping you on the battlefield and is bogging you down.
I have not been blogging or even journalling in a while. Tried a few times but without success. Too much have been going on. Too many blockages. And too many battles to fight, decisions to make and stops to put in place.
All in an attempt to make life possible without the haunts of the past.
Without the constant bombardment of internal and external turmoil. Torn between my natural instinct to give and do for others and my instinct that all of us has certain undeniable obligations and responsibilities.
I understand that one hand washes the other but that does not exempt you from owning up to what is your responsibility. So one has a part to play and one should be aware of that role and understand that it is not a choice but and obligation.
The first obligation one has is to be true to yourself, but this is very often clouded by affections you have for those close to you. Especially when you realise gifts have been given that you did not need, Sacrifices have been made that you didn’t want.
This realisation in turn sends you on a spiral of sometimes anger, resentment, discomfort and guilt, but also a feeling of being out of control of your personal domain.
Then in an attempt to restore your personal equilibrium and alleviate the feelings guilt due the sacrifices having been made for you, you try to return the same gift. Only to then be judged and purged for your efforts and .
All this ends up in a sick cat and mouse game that result in tears, sadness, discontent and arguments.
How do get them to understand that I do not want favours.
Do not need favours.
And to check with me as to hat my needs are.
My independence cannot be sacrificed under the premise of HELP!!
SO THANK YOU, BUT NO THANK YOU!!!
So it is here.
The dying breath of 2010 after a long, painful but brave and courageous battle.
But despite all the obstacles it most certainly feels to drawing to a close on a maybe not high but positive note.
At least where it matters.
Once again love not only survived but also conquered all.
This year I lost much.
Sacrificed much and had to to make huge paradigm shifts and massively had to adjust my view of what my life should be and would be like looking forward. But above all so much have been gained this year.
Our family grew with an additional wife and mother and our brood grew in the form of a well spoken, eloquent, toothless but absolutely adorable
This morning I feel again. Woke up without anxiety and was able to move a mountain with out effort or regret and with ease and conviction. I did good. Hope it was seen by those who have lost faith in me.
I am little by little regaining faith in myself and I imagine it will not be a swift or easy. But I will do my best to persevere on this journey to rediscovering myself.
Understanding my situation and accepting is stage 1 of ‘Operation making me whole again.’
As they say, it has to get worse before it gets better. So I will hang tight and wait.