I did it my way

So it is here.

 The dying breath of 2010 after a long, painful but brave and courageous battle.

But despite all the obstacles it most certainly feels to drawing to a close on a maybe not high but positive note.

 At least where it matters.

Once again love not only survived but also conquered all.

 This year I lost much.

Sacrificed much and had to to make huge paradigm shifts and massively had to adjust my view of what my life should be and would be like looking forward. But above all so much have been gained this year.

Our family grew with an additional wife and mother and our brood grew in the form of a well spoken, eloquent, toothless but absolutely adorable

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Its takes three

Getting married was the best thing ever. Being married to my husband was a blessing and gift from God. For the first time I was happy, I felt wanted. I felt valued, I felt safe but mostly I felt loved.

But darkness still loomed. The past. The sins of a father was not going to accept defeat so easily. Past demons will not be vanquished with a little thing called love.
It continued its onslaught and attack on me, my life and inadvertedly, those I loved

There would be good times where all was good and laughter and smiles were frequent and plenty.
Times when love grew and life flourished. When coming home was exciting and being a family was a joy.

But then there were dark times. Times when the past and all its pain threw dark, scary, horrid shadows on our lives. When laughter was replaced with screaming and smiles replaced with tears. Excitement was replaced with fear and affection replaced with resentment.When emptiness was king and sadness reigned supreme.

And so it was for 17 years. This way and that way. Happiness and sadness. Never knowing what the next day bring. Unpredictable uncertainty. That was our life.

But every cloud has a silver lining. And our stormy cloud was laced with love. A strong, unrelenting, all forgiving, self-sustaining, un-apologetic and constant love for each other. And that love together with am overwhelming desire to be together and stay together became the primary combatant against the relentless assault of pain and sorrow.

But wait there’s more…

Life is always fair and always gives us what we need and what we deserve. And so we were blessed with a further addition and extention to our family. But not a conventional addition like a new baby, but rather a new wife, an additional wife to my husband in the form of my sister-wife and am additional sibling to my children in the form of her five year old son.
Now our family is larger, with more support, more hands when needed but mostly more love. More love to give and much much more love to receive and share. Now our family flourishes even more than before because…

Sometimes it takes more than two people to make a family work.

Wife and sister

She is a really special entity

She brings calm

 She brings love  

She brings safety

She is able to take away the darkness

She can take away the pain

She brings laughter

She brings smiles

She brings joy

She brings happiness

She brings contentment…

She brings pride

She brings gratitude

She brings faith

She brings comfort

She brings warmth

She brings appreciation

She brings reason

She brings rhyme

She brings compassion and understanding

She brings appreciation

She brings enjoyment

She brings fun and silliness

She brings enjoyment

She brings beauty

She brings care

She brings honesty

She brings purity

She brings love

She brings perfection

 She gives affection

She takes away loneliness

She takes away sadness

She takes away discomfort

She takes away regret

She takes away losses

She adds

She multiply

 She escalates

 She amplifies

 She develops

She grows

She nurtures

She encourages

She inspires

She motivates

She believes

She shares

She gives

She never takes

She is a friendship

She is a sister

She is a partner

She is a shopping buddy

Spontaneous, Impromptu, Romance and Schedules

 Marriage always use to be difficult. Filled with lots of anger, pain and discontent. All stemming from past trauma and hurt. 

But in between there was always those special moments, romantic moments, sweet moments, passionate moments and naughty moments. Then there were moments of being ravaged, taken and conquered. And that is what made us survive the past 17 plus years. Our absolute love, attraction, dedication and desire for each other. A desire that had no bounds and no constraints. Being together and wanting to be together was always primary. And it was all so exciting and sweet. All at the same time.
 

But polygamy brings its own set of rules. Rules of sharing, planning, timing and scheduling. How I hate the damn schedule. It completely takes the fun, spontaneity and impulsivity away. Playfulness, teasing, flirting is still there but the schedule does not accommodate for it. Unless the play and the schedule is in synch. Which ultimately means play has to be scheduled too. So another schedule to support the first schedule.
 
 
 
The same goes for romance too. A late cup of tea together in the lounge after everyone has retired to their own spaces. Sitting on the stoep after morning prayers before the sun even blinked to the new day. A simple errand to go buy bread and milk evolving into a drive in the countryside or a takeaway coffee from a local drive-thru eaterie. The everyday and mundane now have become contentious issues of fairness equality and justice, sucking the spontaneity right out of it. Resulting in rather not doing it at all as it only complicates life… and love. Unexpected flowers are not as special as they were as it not done for you alone and there is no way to know whether you were the primary or secondary thought invoking the gesture.  Everything is shared and nothing is sacred, special, exclusive.
 
 
 
The greatest blessing however is that the not only has the love remained constant, it has also have increased tenfold. So I guess gratitude is appropriate and it eases the losses incurred. 

    

 
My 18th anniversary is coming up and already I have anxiety about it. Before it use to always be a time for just the two of us. Now it affects another. So my general feeling is ” just don’t do anything”, ” Keep it low-key”. It safer that way,then no one will get hurt or left behind and no expectations and pressure will be created.
 
 
But every cloud has a silver lining. We loving more, deeper, more sincerely, more honestly  with a greater appreciation of so many things we always took for granted.
  
  
  

BUT…. 

 I DO miss the spontaneity and impulsivity though,

  

Because now we have to