PlodDing PolygaMath!!!

Often you hear marriage is a 50/50 partnership. But what exactly does that mean.Does it mean you should only give 50% and expect only 50% in return? But that would leave you with only 50% again. So then logic would dictate that you give 100% in order to receive 100%. Something most marriages just do not get right.

Thus essentially marriage is then not a case of two halves making a whole, but rather a case of two wholes completing and adding value to each other.

But how does the math work if the fraction or equation is subject to 3 parts as opposed to two. Then the math becomes even more complicated because how do you get 50/50 from a three part equation.

In a monogamous marriage the wife and the husband would be the two equal contributors, but what to do if there is one husband and two wives. Should each wife in polyganous marriage now give 100% and is she to expect 100% return? And if so, the husband should then be giving 200% in order to accomodate both wives. A bit taxing, dont you think? Or should each wife accept that the poor husband can only give 50% to each wife thus giving each of the wives the right also to only give 50% to him.

Sounds all wrong doesn’t it? So how do you work this. I certaily dont know.

I guess this this one will get filed under unsolved mysteries.

 I use to have 100% and now I have less. Not sure if I have 50% because question is 50% of what. Is it 50% of what I had or of what I could have now. Or is it 50% of what is available at any given time. The only certainty is to have 100% and then be reduced to an unknown number is discontenting, as your emotional budget in no way can balance. Simply because the expected emotional expense have not yet adjusted to the smaller emotional budget. And all this uncertainly makes it even harder to solve this complicated equation called polygaMATH.

Too many unknowns, making a solution impossible.

PolygaMATH will remain unsolved!!!

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Flipping a Switch

Focus is a funny thing. If maintained correctly it can be very effective. If not, it could lead to great losses and errors that could bring regret, pain or sometimes sorrow.

So focus is critical!!!

 

But what if your focus and mindset has to change minute to hour to day to  night. What if it has  to be divided between two very different focal points. How do you manage that.

In a polygamous marriage  the primary focus ( in my personal experience of course) is time. Time spent, time lost, time missed, time wanted, time fairness. But that is only from the perspective of the wives. They want their piece of pie. After all it is not even a whole pie but part there of and one really do not want to still lose of the fraction that already have to settle for.

But what about the husband, who has to bounce around like a ping-pong ball and is passed around like a cold cup of coffee by students on a really broke day.

His life is dictated by a schedule decided mostly by the wives whose primary consideration is how the schedule impacts on them in terms of being with the husband, being alone and/or  benefitting maximum from the time spent with the husband. For example; weekends become a biggie as it bring mornings of lying in with hubby and thus getting a bit more time and hoping that it would be quality time spent.

How much time is spent in considering how the whole schedule is set up and how it affects him. Does he get any quality time out of the interactions with his wives. Where does his needs feature. Or should he just settle with the idea that he is nothing but shared property of the wives passed around and borrowed out like that pair of stilettos communally owned by his wives.

Somehow, being one of these wives and loving this man deeply, these thoughts saddens me.

Simply because I know him. He loves sincerely. Those he loves, is loved because of who they are and what they mean to him. Not because of what he can get from them. Not because of what they can do for him, have to offer, or how he can benefit from them. But simply because he LOVES them. And more importantly his love is primarily motivated by making and keeping those he loves happy, content and smiling. And he would go to the end of the world to ensure that those he love are indeed happy, content and smiling.

But again the question arises; Where does HE get his happiness, contentment and smiles from? I see his struggles and I see the pain in his eyes. I see the hopelessness and desperation that is weighing him down. And worst of all I see his tears.

Quality of life does not exist for him. He has to flip and toggle  like switch between his wives. Switching on and off from one night to the next. Remembering who asked what. Who needs what. Who said what. Where he leaves his shoes. Where he goes to relax and how will it impact on whoever’s room is chosen for relaxation or is not chosen. being torn between seeing both wives in need of support and not knowing which way as there will always be someone left behind.

WHAT? WHERE? WHEN? WHY? WHO? HOW?

PULLING!  TUGGING!  JERKING!! YANKING!!

That seem to be the life of a polygamous husband. But can that really be called a life?

Polygamy is all about justice and fairness, but where is the justice and fairness for this wonderful man who loves and gives without asking anything in return.

So wives heed this…

Try to give your husband a life…

After all he deserves to have one!!!!!

Spontaneous, Impromptu, Romance and Schedules

 Marriage always use to be difficult. Filled with lots of anger, pain and discontent. All stemming from past trauma and hurt. 

But in between there was always those special moments, romantic moments, sweet moments, passionate moments and naughty moments. Then there were moments of being ravaged, taken and conquered. And that is what made us survive the past 17 plus years. Our absolute love, attraction, dedication and desire for each other. A desire that had no bounds and no constraints. Being together and wanting to be together was always primary. And it was all so exciting and sweet. All at the same time.
 

But polygamy brings its own set of rules. Rules of sharing, planning, timing and scheduling. How I hate the damn schedule. It completely takes the fun, spontaneity and impulsivity away. Playfulness, teasing, flirting is still there but the schedule does not accommodate for it. Unless the play and the schedule is in synch. Which ultimately means play has to be scheduled too. So another schedule to support the first schedule.
 
 
 
The same goes for romance too. A late cup of tea together in the lounge after everyone has retired to their own spaces. Sitting on the stoep after morning prayers before the sun even blinked to the new day. A simple errand to go buy bread and milk evolving into a drive in the countryside or a takeaway coffee from a local drive-thru eaterie. The everyday and mundane now have become contentious issues of fairness equality and justice, sucking the spontaneity right out of it. Resulting in rather not doing it at all as it only complicates life… and love. Unexpected flowers are not as special as they were as it not done for you alone and there is no way to know whether you were the primary or secondary thought invoking the gesture.  Everything is shared and nothing is sacred, special, exclusive.
 
 
 
The greatest blessing however is that the not only has the love remained constant, it has also have increased tenfold. So I guess gratitude is appropriate and it eases the losses incurred. 

    

 
My 18th anniversary is coming up and already I have anxiety about it. Before it use to always be a time for just the two of us. Now it affects another. So my general feeling is ” just don’t do anything”, ” Keep it low-key”. It safer that way,then no one will get hurt or left behind and no expectations and pressure will be created.
 
 
But every cloud has a silver lining. We loving more, deeper, more sincerely, more honestly  with a greater appreciation of so many things we always took for granted.
  
  
  

BUT…. 

 I DO miss the spontaneity and impulsivity though,

  

Because now we have to

Typically untypical!

When you get married the husband has to provide the for his new wife with what she is accustomed to. And when you take a second wife the same rule applies. But what does that really mean. Or more so what does it mean to be fair and just. Is just and fair synonyms to each other. Is it a tit for tat situation. Is it a situation of she get, I get or vice versa. Or it it a case of maintaining the status quo.

Before my husband would fulfill all my needs. I seldom had ask. If i needed something, I could simply go and buy it permitting the money was available. Now I see his hesitance. -‘What about her? What should I get her?’ We were out alone once and went away for one night in the last six months. My husband use to be romantic now even that has diminished. So many things that is prevelent in a typical relationship just is not present. Maybe because this is not a typical relationship. Anything but typical. Our relationship is unlike any other. It is not only special and uncommon but it is intense, loyal, sincere and more importantly, it involves and evolves around not one but three people. Three people in four different relationships. Four? Yes four! There is me and him, him and her, she and me and then there is the three of us. Like I said, not typical at all.
Yet in this untypical relationship we expect our husband to act in a typical manner. Offering typical gestures and doing typical things.
It is typical to want o be with your wife, but it is not typical to not have that option or choice because you are scheduled to be with the other. It is typical to want to ask your wife to drive with to the shops, but not typical to have to decide which one to ask. It is typical to want to take your wife away for a weekend, but it is not typical to be faced with the fact that the other one will be left behind. It typical to want to take your wife out for a romantic dinner. What is not typical is to choose which one to take first and which one to leave for next time. So typical? I think not.

So is it then fair to have typical expectations. To want what is in a typical relationship. To desire and want that which is typical. Or should we rather write a new chapter with new expectations, needs, wants and desires. And then rather relish in the uncommon and untypical. And allow our husband to be untypical and wonderful in his way with both of us by his side most of the time and as often as he wants. Because he is not your average, typical husband and should be allowed to be and act untypical in his untypical marriage with his untypical wives. Here’s to being uncommon and…
Untypical

Surrender, Concede, Capitulate

So I got angry because I felt excluded, sidelined, marginalised and ignored. Yes I felt  all these things and before I would have understood. Before I would have knows he is preoccupied and stressed. Before I would have waited it out. Things will return to normal and he would be in my space again. Tomorrow things would have calmed down and all will be as it were.

But tomorrow is not to be. It belongs to another. Another is holding her breath and looking forward to tomorrow.  I will have to wait till the next day and hope that the next day will not also pan out as today did. Will not also end up being lost, alone and empty. Because other more urgent matters arise.

And then little gremlins start popping up. Start whispering like vicious little devils in your ears. Whispers that creates pain and fear and discontent. Everything start looking like something. Nothing start looking like something. Something that you are not getting, that you do not have.Something that wish for and desire and longs for. You feel cheated and robbed. Robbed of what is yours and what is your right. And she is not to blame. It is her right too, yet she seem to be so gracious about everything and I’m everything but. Is there even anyone to be blamed?  No! No blame. Just demons screaming in your heart and creating noise in your head. And you pain. So much that you have an intense desire to just close up and shut down, for if you close up and shut down, you do not feel. And if you do not feel, you cannot hurt. You cannot pain.

Time has become your worst enemy. Your primary source of fear. Fear of loneliness and fear of becoming obsolete. Yesterday’s news. Redundant and old. You know the  reality is that it is not so, but these damn devils keep whispering, screaming, making you hear. Forcing you to listen.

So you sit down and you try to be sensible and rational. He does love you, you know that. She puts you first as well. You know that too.

So why the doubt?  

Why the lack of faith?

Why do I need so much reassurance and reaffirmation?

Is it because of past trust issues and past insecurities? Why can I not trust and believe without any doubt?  Why am I so careful? Is it fear of getting hurt by those you think and believe love you?  In the past you were also loved. Or so you thought. There were hidden, selfish and painful agendas. That hurt, crippled, and near destroyed you.

But that was then. Now is different. You won that battle and annihilated the enemy. Victory was yours!!! So why do you still feel fear and pain. Is it just a bad habit? A habit that wont die. I feel like giving up. Letting everything go and giving everything freedom. Freedom to do  and say and make without me. Without having to consider me and complicate things. Because I am damaged, irreparable, corrupted and lost. I should be cut loose before anyone else get pulled down by me.

Am I asking too much? Do I even have the right to ask or to expect, to want, to need, to wish. Maybe not. Maybe never.

So I will just stick to the familiar which brings me to the bottom line.

And that bottom line is…

I am never to be happy .

Never to be content.

Never to be at peace.

Maybe my contentment lies elsewhere and is not due now. So will stop trying and just wait.

So I will wait…

easy taking

I gave. I gave big.
I did. I did huge.
Because I loved big.
Would not accept no or maybe. Only yes would do.
U said lets wait. I said no. U have the right to have what is yours.
Trust me is what I asked. It will be good for you, I promised. Its will make things better. It will take the pain away. I convinced you it is the right thing. The best thing.
So you trusted. You believed what I give can only be good. Believed that it will be good and that I know what you need. And I am giving freely, willingly and selflessly. So you accepted graciously.
So now the tables are turned. Trust me, you ask. It will be good for me, you promised. It’s what you need, you said.

So I have to learn to trust and receive and accept from others. Accepting is difficult, but I will learn.
Will learn to…
Trust and accept graciously.

Almost 5 months

Its been almost five months now that life has changed dramatically. Five months that I have gone from being exclusive  to sharing my husband with my friend. In two weeks they would be celebrating their 5 month wedding anniversary.  Five months of ups and downs. Tears and laughter. Happiness and discontent. Regrets? Still none. Questions? Many.

Time and quality of time seem to be the biggest issue. Time spent. Time lost. Time alone. Time together.  Fair time. Equal time. Quality time. Valuable time.. Time, time, time.

So how can we resolve the time issue. Before my husband and I embarked on this journey of polygamy, time was of no consequence. Whatever we did not get to today. Whatever was not said, discussed or resolved today. Whatever was not fulfilled today. Is of no consequence today. For there is tomorrow, the next day, next month. We have a lifetime together still. And we still have all of those, but the spontaneity is gone. Because now there is a countdown. Four more days, three more days, two more days, one last night. And before you know it you are so wrapped up in counting days, that you forget to get value and quality out of the days you have.

Seven days together and seven days apart. But it became six and then sometimes five. So you have gone from thirty days together to a measly twelve or ten days spent with your husband. Quality has been diminished as quantity has declined. A life planned and scheduled. Timed and calculated.

But life is not planned and scheduled nor can it be timed or calculated. Life happens, when it happens ,how it happens. Without warning, consideration or permission.

There is no such thing as “This week I am alone so I will not allow any issues to come up or to be dealt with” or ” This week I’m alone so I will not allow sadness or loneliness to creep up on me. Next week I can feel and deal with all of those things, because he will be here to `catch me when I fall. To wipe my tears away. To hold my hand and sooth any pain or sadness away.”

But next week will only happen…

Next week.