Relationships are interesting. Friendships are supposed to be healing and positive situations but sometimes…. There are individuals who pose as “friends” and they plot, and then steal what you deem worthy. Today is a day I’ll neva forget. Used to share my secrets with ya. Used to laugh about some crazy stuff with you. What I failed to realize is that you were using my information for your usage. And today is a day I’ll neva forget. This is a day you waited for. You wanted what I had. So you stole. What you fail to realize is that I am not in the darkness like you wanted me to be in. What you fail to realize is that I am God’s angel and he has my back. You can’t steal what things he has given to me. And even though I am trippin’ on your sillyness, I can’t blame you for wanting what I have. What i have is deep and real. What I have is beautiful. What I got you still can’t have. You have something with no substance. I have a deeper gift. A deeper thang. Sistah you can’t steal what blessings he has given to me. You can’t steal my joy. I’m still here. I’m still blessed. So even though I am disappointed in you, know that I am the bigger person and I won’t act crazy. I am going to be real with you. I am still going to be me. But I will neva trust you again. This betrayal is a little too much even for me.
This morning while I was busy marking, something caught my attention on television. The program was about Bi-polar 2 disorder.
It could have easily been me sitting there being interviewed by the presenter. Everything rang true. (Echoed loudly.]
It was frightening, terrifying. For the first time I saw my life from the outside and looking in and it did not paint a pretty picture.
The interviewee unravelled my darkest moments filled with despair, pain, fear and confusion. Where in those dark moments I am laden with guilt of how I am torturing my loved ones. How I often embarrass myself and those around me uttering inappropriate and offensive things. I often hurt and offend all people I deal with. He spoke about the anger. The need to inflict maximum damage. The fact you know you should stop but is not able to do so.
The outbursts followed by being totally depleted of energy and the will to live.
Closely followed by desperate thoughts and planning of suicide and how you dying will be a gift to the world. Then comes the paranoia. Not trusting anyone. Even doubting yourself. Believing that you are a problem. You are seen as an invalid. You find it hard to believe those who claim to love you. You believe that they see you as sub-human and pitiful. You believe the world is out to get you and against you.
Then comes the self-pity. You feel sorry for yourself. You feel this great injustice God, the world, the universe have done unto you. You feel ugly. You want to crawl into the darkest hole and never ever emerge from it again. Life becomes hell. Breathing becomes effort. Sleep become an escape and work becomes impossible. And all you can do or have the strength to do is, to wait it out.
Wait till the next high or manic stage comes and you can feel somewhat human again. But mania comes with serious delusions of grandeur and false confidence. You feel you can move mountains. You start something new with all the energy you have inside. You obsess about this new venture. Then after a while (depending how long the mania lasts, you loose interest resulting in feelings of uselessness and failure.
And so the viscous cycle begins all over. Darkness and despair at forefront of this hellish circle of my life.
All this makes no sense. I am an intelligent , well read, experienced, pleasant, educated person.
I am likeable and loved by everyone I encounter. My children respect me and my husband loves me, more than anyone else and also unconditionally. So if I have so many people in my corner and husband who always puts me first and still after 19 years, see the girl he married. If I have a friend and sister- wife who loves me as her own sister if not more than a biological sister. If I have siblings a mother, mother in-law, friends and acquaintances that wants me in around an in their lives.
Why do I so often feel I am not deserving of this world. Of the love that is so freely and effortless given to me.
Watching this programme was such an eye opener. Reality check if you may. But most of all is the deep-rooted anger for being the the victim being punished for another’s past crimes. Crimes perpetrated against me. Crimes that went unpunished, so it is being paid forward to me.
This anger I feel is further fuelled by immense sense of hopelessness and fear.
So many questions…
What did I do ?
When will it get better?
Will I go insane eventually?
Will I get dementia as mentioned on the TV programme,
I would rather die, before I become a blabbering burden on my family.
I HATE THIS DESEASE!!!
Waves crashing onto the shore have a dual purpose.
Or maybe multiple purposes.
Mostly waves rush to shore to deposit unwanted objects.
Other times it creates a rhythmic melody that brings calm and inspiration.
Many times it creates a romantic backdrop for lovers to appreciate and celebrate their affections while creating precious memories.
That is but some of the beauty waves have to offer.
But waves are also unpredictable, moody, violent and even destructive.
In stormy weather waves can
slam a ship to shards,
hack homes into hellish heaps and
melt memories into molten mayhem.
It can wash away a life in am instant and disable another in a flash.
All this while merrily carrying out its designated task. Rolling and swaying too and fro.
And so does life also occur. Just like the waves.
Sometimes friendly and pleasant. Bringing smiles to faces and memories to keep.
Other times life is stormy, destructive and painful.
Leaving deep painful gashes and splintered fractures on your soul, healing into lasting scars as reminders of the pain, sorrow and hurt once endured.
And just like old fractures who come to haunt you painfully in winter or amputated limbs with its phantom pains, the old hurt comes to haunt you when you least expect it and even less can afford it. Bringing with it feelings of regret, guilt, frustration and anger.
Turning your soul into an angry sea filled with violently self-destructive waves.
And just like the sea, as long as the stormy weather persists, the waves will roll and ravish all in its way until the storm subsides and the waves tires.
And if you are lucky, minimal damage would have been done to the shore. Damage that can be repaired with hopefully minimal lasting effects.
And so is cycle of the sea of life.
One minute calm and beautiful
and rough and raging the next…