Today was one of those days etched in my memory.
But also one of those days I would choose to fade with the fog into the sunlight.
Today my crimes and offenses were laid bare. Exposed for all (the new psychiatrist) to see. And what a dark and sombre occasion it turned out to be.
My head bowed in shame, my face filled with pain and tears flowing freely.
I saw my life as if i was looking into a fish bowl with myself being a monstrous gold fish.
I am a monster, a demon, an affliction that sows maximum damage to all that comes near. The closer to me you are, the more likely you are to become a target of my violent outbursts and attacks or fall victim to my darkness
So again someone promise to be able to help. Someone promises a magic potion. A miracle cure. Just another one to add to a list of many.
But this is my reality. Ugly and painful as it is.
So the only way now is forward and upward. Leaving the dark, ugly and painful behind.
Easier said than down, but worth making an earnest attempt.
That attempt together with faith and prayer, maybe, just maybe, some headway can be achieved.
So now to start over…
Today was one of those strange days. One of those days when I feel completely quiet inside, but not numb.
When i feel gentle and peaceful. Vulnerable and fragile. Yet restless at the same time.
And this lull that is radiating from the pit of my stomach meanders on an endless and mindless path back and forth between my mind and heart.
On days like this silence is my best friend yet loneliness forces unwanted company.
So in a nutshell I have not been able to, in all of these years, understand or define this strange feeling.
What hand long been apparent however, is that this undefined feeling brings structure to my internal chaos, inspire my creativity and cultivates my productivity.
But all of the above feelings. thoughts and observations are dwarfed by something much more intense.
On days like this I feel like crawling under my husbands skin and resting my head under his heart.
On days like this I feel a closeness to him unlike anything I can describe in words.
On days like this I miss my darling so much, that it hurts.
On days like this I realise…
I am blessed.
Every now and then we move into a negative space and suddenly all we focus on on is the little things we normally are able to ignore and tolerate. only now they have exploded from tiny dewdrops to destructive monsoons.
And if you are not careful, you might be swept away by the storm floods and end up as debris all damaged and broken up.
So don’t get smashed by that irrational tsunami and swept away by the emotional monsoon.
Rather flee for higher ground and wait for the storm to pass