surviving life

In the times that we live we are constantly bombarded by ideals of  tolerance and forgiveness

And yes, in a perfect world everybody will be naturally caring,loving, forgiving and tolerant. But being  forgiving and tolerant is not allotted to everyone.

Some of us need immediate retribution as means to instant gratification and  an immense desire to prove the guilt of another.

But the human species is adjustable,  dynamic and resilient.We are able shift and change and adapt as needed.

We can put  our happy face on at any time, despite what or how we may feel inside.

surviving life

We can…

Be Brave when needed

Be cautious when needed

Be reckless when needed

Take chances when needed

Be gentle when needed

Be strong when needed

Cry bitterly when needed

Laugh hysterically when needed

Be humble when needed

Be proud when needed

Be sad when needed

Be happy when needed

Be kind when needed

Be harsh when needed

Be quiet when needed

Be silent when needed

Make our voice heard when needed

Be critical when needed

Believe when needed

Trust when needed

Have faith needed

Question when needed

Introspect when needed

And all this is needed

To…

Surviving Life

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Surviving yet another year

So another year is nearing its end. And another year we have been together.

 years.

 

Seems like a lifetime. With many ups and sadly as much down.
Much love was always prevalent through out as was joy, laughter and special moments.

This year had been especially challenging both on a personal and professional front with the much joy, excitement and love but also great pain, discomfort and losses.

 

The highlight was my husbands marriage to my best friend and the absolute low was loosing a job and  workplace I absolutely enjoyed and loved.

 

I’ve received devastating news but at the same time it was a relief to be in the know. To make sense of years of fear, confusion and trouble. To not feel totally responsible for much so pain and unhappiness.

 

So I guess in the end as bad as 2010 appeared to be, it brought many joys, answers and new beginnings.
2010 will definitely be the most memorable for many years to come.

Fiqh of Marriage (Understanding the Law of Marriage)

1-Great relationships don’t just happen; they are created. You have to work at it.

2-If your job takes all of your best energy, your marriage will suffer.

3-One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is your own happiness.

4-It is possible to love and hate someone at the same time.

5-When you complain about your spouse to your friends, remember that their feedback can be distorted.

6-The only rules in your marriage are those you both choose to agree with.

7-It is not conflict that destroys marriage; it is the cold, smoldering resentment that you hold for a long time.

8-It’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with what you have.

9-If you think you are too good for your spouse, think again.

10-Growing up in a happy household doesn’t ensure a happy marriage, or vice versa.

11-It’s never too late to repair damaged trust.

12-The real issue is usually not the one you are arguing about.

13-Love isn’t just a feeling; it is expressed through our actions.

14-Expectations set us up for disappointment and resentment.

15-Arguments cannot be avoided, but destructive arguments can be avoided.

16-One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is focused attention.

17-Even people with happy marriages sometimes worry that they married the wrong person.

18-Your spouse cannot rescue you from unhappiness, but they can help you rescue yourself.

19-The cost of a lie is far greater than any advantage you gain from speaking it.

20-Your opinion is not necessarily the truth.

21-Trust takes years to establish and moments to destroy.

22-Guilt-tripping won’t get you what you really want.

23-Don’t neglect your friends.

24-If you think, “You are not the person I married,” you are probably right.

25-Resisting the temptation to prove your point will win you a lot of points.

26-Generosity of spirit is the foundation of a good marriage.

27-If your spouse is being defensive, you might be giving them reasons to be like that.

28-Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100.

29-You can pay now or pay later, but the later you pay, the more interest and penalties you acquire.

30-Marriage requires sacrifice, but your benefits outweigh your costs.

31-Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s a continuous process.

32-Accepting the challenges of marriage will shape you into a better person.

33-Creating a marriage is like launching a rocket: once it clears the pull of gravity, it takes much less energy to sustain the flight.

34-A successful marriage has more to do with how you deal with your current reality than with what you’ve experienced in the past.

35-Don’t keep feelings of gratitude to yourself.

36-There is no greater eloquence than the silence of real listening.

37-One of the greatest questions to ask your spouse is “How best can I love you?”

38-Marriage can stay fresh over time.

39-Assumptions are fine as long as you check them before acting upon them.

40-Intention may not be the only thing, but it is the most important thing.

41-Good sex won’t make your marriage, but it’ll help.

42-Privacy won’t hurt your marriage, but secrecy will.

43-Possessiveness and jealousy are born out of fear, not love.

44-Authenticity is contagious and habit-forming.

45-If your spouse thinks something is important, then it is.

46-Marriage never outgrows the need for romance.

47-The sparkle of a new relationship is always temporary.

48-There is violence in silence when it’s used as a weapon.

49-It’s better to focus on what you can do to make things right, then what your partner did to make things wrong.

50-If you think marriage counseling is too expensive, try divorce.

Spontaneous, Impromptu, Romance and Schedules

 Marriage always use to be difficult. Filled with lots of anger, pain and discontent. All stemming from past trauma and hurt. 

But in between there was always those special moments, romantic moments, sweet moments, passionate moments and naughty moments. Then there were moments of being ravaged, taken and conquered. And that is what made us survive the past 17 plus years. Our absolute love, attraction, dedication and desire for each other. A desire that had no bounds and no constraints. Being together and wanting to be together was always primary. And it was all so exciting and sweet. All at the same time.
 

But polygamy brings its own set of rules. Rules of sharing, planning, timing and scheduling. How I hate the damn schedule. It completely takes the fun, spontaneity and impulsivity away. Playfulness, teasing, flirting is still there but the schedule does not accommodate for it. Unless the play and the schedule is in synch. Which ultimately means play has to be scheduled too. So another schedule to support the first schedule.
 
 
 
The same goes for romance too. A late cup of tea together in the lounge after everyone has retired to their own spaces. Sitting on the stoep after morning prayers before the sun even blinked to the new day. A simple errand to go buy bread and milk evolving into a drive in the countryside or a takeaway coffee from a local drive-thru eaterie. The everyday and mundane now have become contentious issues of fairness equality and justice, sucking the spontaneity right out of it. Resulting in rather not doing it at all as it only complicates life… and love. Unexpected flowers are not as special as they were as it not done for you alone and there is no way to know whether you were the primary or secondary thought invoking the gesture.  Everything is shared and nothing is sacred, special, exclusive.
 
 
 
The greatest blessing however is that the not only has the love remained constant, it has also have increased tenfold. So I guess gratitude is appropriate and it eases the losses incurred. 

    

 
My 18th anniversary is coming up and already I have anxiety about it. Before it use to always be a time for just the two of us. Now it affects another. So my general feeling is ” just don’t do anything”, ” Keep it low-key”. It safer that way,then no one will get hurt or left behind and no expectations and pressure will be created.
 
 
But every cloud has a silver lining. We loving more, deeper, more sincerely, more honestly  with a greater appreciation of so many things we always took for granted.
  
  
  

BUT…. 

 I DO miss the spontaneity and impulsivity though,

  

Because now we have to

Typically untypical!

When you get married the husband has to provide the for his new wife with what she is accustomed to. And when you take a second wife the same rule applies. But what does that really mean. Or more so what does it mean to be fair and just. Is just and fair synonyms to each other. Is it a tit for tat situation. Is it a situation of she get, I get or vice versa. Or it it a case of maintaining the status quo.

Before my husband would fulfill all my needs. I seldom had ask. If i needed something, I could simply go and buy it permitting the money was available. Now I see his hesitance. -‘What about her? What should I get her?’ We were out alone once and went away for one night in the last six months. My husband use to be romantic now even that has diminished. So many things that is prevelent in a typical relationship just is not present. Maybe because this is not a typical relationship. Anything but typical. Our relationship is unlike any other. It is not only special and uncommon but it is intense, loyal, sincere and more importantly, it involves and evolves around not one but three people. Three people in four different relationships. Four? Yes four! There is me and him, him and her, she and me and then there is the three of us. Like I said, not typical at all.
Yet in this untypical relationship we expect our husband to act in a typical manner. Offering typical gestures and doing typical things.
It is typical to want o be with your wife, but it is not typical to not have that option or choice because you are scheduled to be with the other. It is typical to want to ask your wife to drive with to the shops, but not typical to have to decide which one to ask. It is typical to want to take your wife away for a weekend, but it is not typical to be faced with the fact that the other one will be left behind. It typical to want to take your wife out for a romantic dinner. What is not typical is to choose which one to take first and which one to leave for next time. So typical? I think not.

So is it then fair to have typical expectations. To want what is in a typical relationship. To desire and want that which is typical. Or should we rather write a new chapter with new expectations, needs, wants and desires. And then rather relish in the uncommon and untypical. And allow our husband to be untypical and wonderful in his way with both of us by his side most of the time and as often as he wants. Because he is not your average, typical husband and should be allowed to be and act untypical in his untypical marriage with his untypical wives. Here’s to being uncommon and…
Untypical

1000001 reasons why I love him

I love him… unequivocally, undeniably, irrevocably and with an unadulterated honesty, purity and passion. He is my sunrise, my star in the dark, the silver lining of my clouds, my warmth against the cold. 

  1. I love him when he works.
  2. I love him when he cooks.
  3. I love him when he plays.
  4. I love him when he laughs.
  5. I love him when he makes me laugh.
  6. I love him when he is funny.
  7. I love him when he smiles.
  8. I love him when he cries.
  9. I love him when he is happy.
  10. I love him when he is sad.
  11. I love him when he looks at our children.
  12. I love him when he nurtures our daughter.
  13. I love him when he respects our sons.
  14. I love him when he drops everything for his mother.
  15. I love him when he defends my mother.
  16. I love him when he without any thought come to the aid of my sisters.
  17.  I love him when he plays with her son.
  18. I love him when he loves her.
  19. I love him when he is concerned for her.
  20. I love him when he cares for her.
  21. I love him when he looks at me. The look in his eyes says: He loves me.
  22. I love him when he says my name. 
  23. I love him when he guides me into the door by gently placing his hand in the curve of my back.
  24. I love him when he puts his hands on my hips to move pass me.
  25.  I love him when he places his hand on my knee while we driving.
  26. I love him when he gently touches my leg or caresses my feet.
  27. I love him when he kisses on my forehead.
  28. I love him when he kisses me in the nape of my neck.
  29. I love him when he kisses me on the top of my head.
  30. I love him when I’m lying with my head on his shoulder.
  31. I love him when he understands the invisible love messages I write with my fingernail on his chest.
  32. I love him when he takes interest in what makes me happy and brings me joy.
  33. I love him when he gently wipes away my tears with a single finger.
  34. I love him when he holds me in the crook of his arm to make feel better when I’m sad.
  35. I love him when he makes me feel that everything will be alright cause he is around.
  36. I love him when he makes me feel like forever is a reality.
  37. I love him when he kisses the palm of my hand.
  38. I love him when he kisses me on my nose.
  39. I love him when he sigh as I kiss his chest.
  40. I love him when he looks into my eyes as if to read my soul.
  41. I love him when he gently touches my cheek or cups my chin.
  42. I love him when he holds me close and strokes my hair as if to sooth any pain away.
  43. I love him when he plays with my hair.
  44. I love him when he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the universe.
  45. I love him when he gets  possessive and protective at the slightest glimmer of discomfort pointing in my direction.
  46. I love him when his concern for me is more important than anything else.
  47. I love him when he rhythmically snores while I watch him sleep.
  48. I love him when I feel his warmth next to me.
  49. I love him when he reaches for me in his sleep.
  50. I love him when his feet search for mine when we sleeping
  51. I love him when he pulls me close in the morning.
  52. I love the warmth of his breath upon my face.
  53. I love the sweet smell of his breath as he whispers in my ear.
  54. I love him when he notices and appreciates when I look good.
  55. I love him when he knows I have dressed up for him.
  56. I love when he glows with pride other men shows interest in me or people comment on my appearance.
  57. I love when he stares at me with awe and appreciation.
  58. I love him when he says he loves me.
  59. I love him when he wants to do for me.
  60. I love him when he chuckles at my antics.
  61. I love him when he always forgives all my disasters.
  62. I love him when he always fixes my mistakes.
  63. I love him when he gives me clarity and perspective when I feel utterly lost and confused.
  64. I love him when he holds my when everything seem dark and scary.
  65. I love him when he looks at me with pride.
  66. I love him when he encourages me to do the right thing even though he knows I might get angry.
  67. I love him when he encourages me to be the best I can be.
  68. I love him when he carries me when I cannot on my own.
  69. I love him when he subtly pushes me when I am ready to give up.
  70. I love him when he has more faith in me than I have in myself.
  71. I love him when he gets angry when women get hurt.
  72. I love him when he hides his troubles from me.
  73. I love him when he gets enjoyment out of my enjoyment.

I love him for a million reasons more.

But most of all

  71.    I  love him …  for ALLOWING me to love him.

How much do I love him?

“Multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever  and you’ll still have barely a glimpse  of what I am talking about.” Meet Joe Black