Loss of a Special Star

Bulelwa

Sadness seem to follow everywhere and strike at anytime. Such was the case yesterday when what should have been a time of celebration, goodwill, joy and happiness, turned out to a parents nightmare.

Today one of my learners, Bulelwa Wayiza, was mowed down by truck in her own neighbourhood. And so a young and promising life violently brought to a halt.

A huge void left in the hearts of parents, a family, friends and classmates, teachers and many others.
Now we will now longer feel and see the sunshine of your smile, the warmth of your hugs and beauty of the voice of this radiant songbird.

We will never cheer you on when your dream of being a famous singer comes true or your graduation after varsity or a beautiful bride at your white wedding.

How I wish to just once be able to mockingly ask you to shush, to bring the dirt bin so you could spit your bubble-gum or to to give you a hug simply because you asked. How I wish to hear your voice humming or belting out beautiful Xhosa songs in in the middle of class being in progress and saying ‘Sorry Juffrou’ flashing your gorgeous smile.

The world is a much poorer place without the sunshine that was Bulelwa.

We will remember you…
Forever singing
Forever smiling
Forever young
You were not for this world
God has a bigger plan for you
Rest easy my little songbird
Enjoy your stay with the angels…
Because that is where you belong..

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Back to the future…

 

1-forward-2-back

Yesterday therapy was painful. After lots of honesty and candid talking, the conclusion came as such a shock. Old label replaced with new. But not just one but two.
Regression is evident. Tablets are to be reviewed and adjusted. Now again will be discomfort, anxiety, headaches, insomnia and irritation. I feel like my world is crumbling to my feet right before my eyes. More anxiety for the family. More for hubby to have to deal with. I hate bi-polar 2.
But I hate my two new enemies even more.
Bi-polar 1 and BPD absolutely positively and passionately

 HATE and DESPISE you!

the Bi-Polar Express

 

 

bipolar express blogpile

This morning while I was busy marking, something caught my attention on television. The program was about Bi-polar 2 disorder.

It could have easily been me sitting there being interviewed by the presenter. Everything rang true. (Echoed loudly.]

It was frightening, terrifying. For the first time I saw my life from the outside and looking in and it did not paint a pretty picture.

The interviewee unravelled my darkest moments filled with despair, pain, fear and confusion. Where in those dark moments I am laden with guilt of how I am torturing my loved ones. How I  often embarrass myself and those around me uttering inappropriate and offensive things. I  often hurt and offend all people I deal with. He spoke about the anger. The need to inflict maximum damage. The fact you know you should stop but is not able to do so.

The outbursts followed by being totally depleted of energy and the will to live.

Closely followed by desperate thoughts and planning of suicide and how you dying will be a gift to the world. Then comes the paranoia. Not trusting anyone. Even doubting yourself. Believing that you are a problem. You are seen as an invalid. You find it hard to believe those who claim to love you. You believe that they see you as sub-human and pitiful. You believe the world is out to get you and against you.

Then comes the self-pity. You feel sorry for yourself.  You feel this great injustice God, the world, the universe have done unto you. You feel ugly. You want to crawl into the darkest hole and never ever emerge from it again. Life becomes hell. Breathing becomes effort. Sleep become an escape and work becomes impossible.  And all you can do or have the strength to do is, to wait it out.

Wait till the next high or manic stage comes and you can feel somewhat human again. But mania comes with serious delusions of grandeur and false confidence. You feel you can move mountains. You start something new with all the energy you have inside. You obsess about this new venture. Then after a while (depending how long the mania lasts, you loose interest resulting in feelings of uselessness and failure.

And so the viscous cycle begins all over. Darkness and despair at forefront of this hellish circle of my life.

fear panic pain

 

All this makes no sense. I am an  intelligent , well read, experienced, pleasant, educated person.

I am likeable and loved by everyone I encounter. My children respect me and my husband loves me, more than anyone else and also unconditionally. So if I have so many people in my corner and husband who always puts me first and still after 19 years, see the girl he married. If I have a friend and sister- wife who loves me  as her own sister if not more than a biological sister. If I have siblings a mother, mother in-law, friends and acquaintances that wants me in around an in their lives.

Why do I so often feel I am not deserving of this world. Of the love that is so freely and effortless given to me.

Watching this programme was such an eye opener. Reality check if you may. But most of all is the deep-rooted anger for being the the victim being punished for another’s past crimes. Crimes perpetrated against me. Crimes that went unpunished, so it is being paid forward to me.

Unfair!!!!

This anger I feel is further fuelled by immense sense of hopelessness and fear.

So many questions…

Why me?

What did I do ?

When will it get better?

Will I go insane eventually?

Will I get dementia as mentioned on the TV programme,

 

I would rather die, before I become a blabbering burden on my family.

 

I HATE THIS DESEASE!!!

No, thank you.

I have not been blogging or even journalling in a while. Tried a few times but without success. Too much have been going on. Too many blockages. And too many battles to fight, decisions to make and stops to put in place.

All in an attempt to make life possible without the haunts of the past.

Without the constant bombardment of internal and external turmoil. Torn between my natural instinct to give and do for others and my instinct that all of us has certain undeniable obligations and responsibilities.

I understand that one hand washes the other but that does not exempt you from owning up to what is your responsibility. So one has a part to play and one should be aware of that role and understand that it is not a choice but and obligation.

The first obligation one has is to be true to yourself, but this is very often clouded by affections you have for those close to you. Especially when you realise gifts have been given that you did not need, Sacrifices have been made that you didn’t want.

This realisation in turn sends you on a spiral of sometimes anger, resentment, discomfort and guilt, but also a feeling of  being out of control of your personal domain.

Then in an attempt  to restore your personal equilibrium and alleviate the feelings guilt due the sacrifices having been made for you, you try to return the same gift. Only to then be judged and purged for your efforts and .

All this ends up in a sick cat and mouse game that result in tears, sadness, discontent and arguments.

How do get them to understand that I do not want favours.

Do not need favours.

And to check with me as to hat my needs are.

My independence cannot be sacrificed under the premise of  HELP!!

SO THANK YOU, BUT NO THANK YOU!!!

Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust.

 The dying breath of 2010 after a long, painful but brave and courageous battle.

But despite all the obstacles it most certainly feels to drawing to a close on a maybe not high but positive note.

 At least where it matters.

Once again love not only survived but also conquered all.

This year I lost much.

Sacrificed much and had to to make huge paradigm shifts and massively had to adjust my view of what my life should be and would be like looking forward.

 But above all so much have been gained this year.

 Our family grew with an additional wife and mother and our brood grew in the form of a well spoken, eloquent, toothless but absolutely adorable son.

And after some discomfort, major adjustment we are now all fully integrated and happy.

I did it my way

So it is here.

 The dying breath of 2010 after a long, painful but brave and courageous battle.

But despite all the obstacles it most certainly feels to drawing to a close on a maybe not high but positive note.

 At least where it matters.

Once again love not only survived but also conquered all.

 This year I lost much.

Sacrificed much and had to to make huge paradigm shifts and massively had to adjust my view of what my life should be and would be like looking forward. But above all so much have been gained this year.

Our family grew with an additional wife and mother and our brood grew in the form of a well spoken, eloquent, toothless but absolutely adorable

Surviving yet another year

So another year is nearing its end. And another year we have been together.

 years.

 

Seems like a lifetime. With many ups and sadly as much down.
Much love was always prevalent through out as was joy, laughter and special moments.

This year had been especially challenging both on a personal and professional front with the much joy, excitement and love but also great pain, discomfort and losses.

 

The highlight was my husbands marriage to my best friend and the absolute low was loosing a job and  workplace I absolutely enjoyed and loved.

 

I’ve received devastating news but at the same time it was a relief to be in the know. To make sense of years of fear, confusion and trouble. To not feel totally responsible for much so pain and unhappiness.

 

So I guess in the end as bad as 2010 appeared to be, it brought many joys, answers and new beginnings.
2010 will definitely be the most memorable for many years to come.