No, thank you.

I have not been blogging or even journalling in a while. Tried a few times but without success. Too much have been going on. Too many blockages. And too many battles to fight, decisions to make and stops to put in place.

All in an attempt to make life possible without the haunts of the past.

Without the constant bombardment of internal and external turmoil. Torn between my natural instinct to give and do for others and my instinct that all of us has certain undeniable obligations and responsibilities.

I understand that one hand washes the other but that does not exempt you from owning up to what is your responsibility. So one has a part to play and one should be aware of that role and understand that it is not a choice but and obligation.

The first obligation one has is to be true to yourself, but this is very often clouded by affections you have for those close to you. Especially when you realise gifts have been given that you did not need, Sacrifices have been made that you didn’t want.

This realisation in turn sends you on a spiral of sometimes anger, resentment, discomfort and guilt, but also a feeling of  being out of control of your personal domain.

Then in an attempt  to restore your personal equilibrium and alleviate the feelings guilt due the sacrifices having been made for you, you try to return the same gift. Only to then be judged and purged for your efforts and .

All this ends up in a sick cat and mouse game that result in tears, sadness, discontent and arguments.

How do get them to understand that I do not want favours.

Do not need favours.

And to check with me as to hat my needs are.

My independence cannot be sacrificed under the premise of  HELP!!

SO THANK YOU, BUT NO THANK YOU!!!

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Stifle, smother, suffocate.

Stifled, smothered, suffocating Thats how I feel.
By my thoughts.
By my feelings.
By my body.
By those around me.
Thinking they know what I need. How I feel. What I feel. What I should do. How could they possibly know.
They don’t walk in my shoes.
They dont feel my heart beating erratically out of fear for the future. The rest of my life.
They dont hear the screaming in my head. The pressure that makes my head feel like it will explode. They dont feel the constant, sinking weight in the pit of my stomach. They dont feel the constant tremors that plaques my body.
They don’t feel the dryness in my mouth and throat as the cold hand of irrational fear grips and crushes my already aching heart.
They dont know how the lonely monster grins and grimace when the time comes. Again the future seem fearful and scary.
Soon my children will leave the nest and it will be only me with no distraction. Just a burden and a bother.
Too much change this year. Please God. No more curve balls. No more suprises. No more challenges. No more new. Nothing new. I cant anymore. Dont want to anymore. Because this is my lonely journey. Mine to travel.
No one
Knows what I need.
What I should do.
How I should act.
What I am going through.
What is going through my mind.
How I feel.
ONLY I DO…