Operation ME

This morning I feel again. Woke up without anxiety and was able to move a mountain with out effort or regret and with ease and conviction. I did good. Hope it was seen by those who have lost faith in me.

I am little by little regaining faith in myself and I imagine it will not be a swift or easy. But I will do my best to persevere on this journey to rediscovering myself.

Understanding my situation and accepting is stage 1 of  ‘Operation making me whole again.’

As they say, it has to get worse before it gets better. So I will hang tight and wait.

Avoidance not Abhorrence!!!

Avoidance.

Avoiding you.

 Avoiding your presence.

Avoiding your stare, your eyes.

For fear of what I might see.

Fear of disapproval.

Fear of anger.

Fear of  hopelessness and pain.

Fear of Fear.

Fear of the future

The fear is crippling, and debilitating.

The fear feels unsurmountable.

Avoidance becomes a skill to be employed for self preservation.

I do not subscribe.

I do not deliver.

I do not comply.

Not to what you ask.

Not to what you desire.

Not what you need.

And I have tried.

And sometimes I feel like I manage, only to be informed that incidents had occurred again.

Incidents I cannot recall or have experienced differently.

Only to be told I have regressed yet again.

Making me despondent.

Am I living a lie?

Am I fooling myself.

I wish I could answer negative to those questions conviction.

But I can’t…

PlodDing PolygaMath!!!

Often you hear marriage is a 50/50 partnership. But what exactly does that mean.Does it mean you should only give 50% and expect only 50% in return? But that would leave you with only 50% again. So then logic would dictate that you give 100% in order to receive 100%. Something most marriages just do not get right.

Thus essentially marriage is then not a case of two halves making a whole, but rather a case of two wholes completing and adding value to each other.

But how does the math work if the fraction or equation is subject to 3 parts as opposed to two. Then the math becomes even more complicated because how do you get 50/50 from a three part equation.

In a monogamous marriage the wife and the husband would be the two equal contributors, but what to do if there is one husband and two wives. Should each wife in polyganous marriage now give 100% and is she to expect 100% return? And if so, the husband should then be giving 200% in order to accomodate both wives. A bit taxing, dont you think? Or should each wife accept that the poor husband can only give 50% to each wife thus giving each of the wives the right also to only give 50% to him.

Sounds all wrong doesn’t it? So how do you work this. I certaily dont know.

I guess this this one will get filed under unsolved mysteries.

 I use to have 100% and now I have less. Not sure if I have 50% because question is 50% of what. Is it 50% of what I had or of what I could have now. Or is it 50% of what is available at any given time. The only certainty is to have 100% and then be reduced to an unknown number is discontenting, as your emotional budget in no way can balance. Simply because the expected emotional expense have not yet adjusted to the smaller emotional budget. And all this uncertainly makes it even harder to solve this complicated equation called polygaMATH.

Too many unknowns, making a solution impossible.

PolygaMATH will remain unsolved!!!

A time for guilt

 Time is precious. Something we should value and appreciate and never take for granted. So be grateful for the time you spend with loved ones, because you could loose them at any time.

Today a very dear friend of mine lost her mother and she was fortunate enough to have done much for her mother before her mother’s passing. Thus she has no guilt and no regrets.

 Her siblings are not as fortunate, they will live, hopefully if the feel at an inkling for their departed mother and surviving father, guilt ridden and ful of regrets for many a day to come.

Despite them living minutes from her parents she would be the one to come all the way from another continent to come do for and be there do both her mother and father.
So now she is the one being able to be together and be the one to do and manage all that need to be done.

Guilt can be debilitating and no guilt liberating.

 

So u can choose long before loosing those precious to you, whether it is to death or simply to another life, whether you want to feel debilitated or liberated.

Surrender, Concede, Capitulate

So I got angry because I felt excluded, sidelined, marginalised and ignored. Yes I felt  all these things and before I would have understood. Before I would have knows he is preoccupied and stressed. Before I would have waited it out. Things will return to normal and he would be in my space again. Tomorrow things would have calmed down and all will be as it were.

But tomorrow is not to be. It belongs to another. Another is holding her breath and looking forward to tomorrow.  I will have to wait till the next day and hope that the next day will not also pan out as today did. Will not also end up being lost, alone and empty. Because other more urgent matters arise.

And then little gremlins start popping up. Start whispering like vicious little devils in your ears. Whispers that creates pain and fear and discontent. Everything start looking like something. Nothing start looking like something. Something that you are not getting, that you do not have.Something that wish for and desire and longs for. You feel cheated and robbed. Robbed of what is yours and what is your right. And she is not to blame. It is her right too, yet she seem to be so gracious about everything and I’m everything but. Is there even anyone to be blamed?  No! No blame. Just demons screaming in your heart and creating noise in your head. And you pain. So much that you have an intense desire to just close up and shut down, for if you close up and shut down, you do not feel. And if you do not feel, you cannot hurt. You cannot pain.

Time has become your worst enemy. Your primary source of fear. Fear of loneliness and fear of becoming obsolete. Yesterday’s news. Redundant and old. You know the  reality is that it is not so, but these damn devils keep whispering, screaming, making you hear. Forcing you to listen.

So you sit down and you try to be sensible and rational. He does love you, you know that. She puts you first as well. You know that too.

So why the doubt?  

Why the lack of faith?

Why do I need so much reassurance and reaffirmation?

Is it because of past trust issues and past insecurities? Why can I not trust and believe without any doubt?  Why am I so careful? Is it fear of getting hurt by those you think and believe love you?  In the past you were also loved. Or so you thought. There were hidden, selfish and painful agendas. That hurt, crippled, and near destroyed you.

But that was then. Now is different. You won that battle and annihilated the enemy. Victory was yours!!! So why do you still feel fear and pain. Is it just a bad habit? A habit that wont die. I feel like giving up. Letting everything go and giving everything freedom. Freedom to do  and say and make without me. Without having to consider me and complicate things. Because I am damaged, irreparable, corrupted and lost. I should be cut loose before anyone else get pulled down by me.

Am I asking too much? Do I even have the right to ask or to expect, to want, to need, to wish. Maybe not. Maybe never.

So I will just stick to the familiar which brings me to the bottom line.

And that bottom line is…

I am never to be happy .

Never to be content.

Never to be at peace.

Maybe my contentment lies elsewhere and is not due now. So will stop trying and just wait.

So I will wait…

I am ready…

For the past week I have been grappling with my health. My one kidney struggling to do its job resulting in toxemia. I have forgotten how ill you can feel when struggling with renal problems. The constant nausea, headaches, dizziness and tiredness. Before I didn’t quite realise the seriousness of  having renal problems, but as I am now getting older I have come to the realisation that I can and would probably die of renal failure unless something else comes up before then. And it will. I know that. I have always felt that old age was not something I should look forward to. Longevity was not part  of my life plan or path.

Which made me reflect on many things. And then I remembered what someone , well more than one person actually, had asked me. When I , we, embarked on this journey or a polygamous marriage and I informed those I felt needed to know, I was asked whether I was dying. I was a bit surprised if not a little perturbed by this very unexpected question. “Why are you asking me that?” was my confused response.  “Well”, I was informed, “It seem as though you are getting things in place for your family for when you not there anymore. Someone to be a wife for your husband and a mother to your children. Obviously someone you trust and know will be good for your family.” Needless to say I totally dispelled any such notion to the extent that I found this kind of paranoia funny and laughable.

However now 5 months down the line, and having been really sick for the first time in years, I find myself questioning my mortality. Questioning the journey Allah has put me on. Questioning how building blocks have been laid down seemingly in isolation, over an extended period of time. But upon reflection and retrospection all these random and isolated instances and emotional growth and movement seem anything but random and isolated. They seem to be part of an elaborate and covert plan architected by a higher power with a vision that is obscured from  to us.

Question is: Am I that special that Allah would afford me the gift of having the peace of mind that those I love is taken care of and are all together to be a support to each other when I no longer walk this earth. Maybe this is the reward for all my pain and suffering all of my life.  I believe in a fair and benevolent Creator and if this elaborate plan indeed is the gift of peace of mind than the benevolence of my Allah is confirmed and I regard myself special, chosen and lucky.

In in that light I want to say thank you. Thank you Allah for caring enough for me to do all of this for me. I stand before you ready and waiting for whatever the next journey is that you taking me on. Be it longevity or death. I am ready…

Almost 5 months

Its been almost five months now that life has changed dramatically. Five months that I have gone from being exclusive  to sharing my husband with my friend. In two weeks they would be celebrating their 5 month wedding anniversary.  Five months of ups and downs. Tears and laughter. Happiness and discontent. Regrets? Still none. Questions? Many.

Time and quality of time seem to be the biggest issue. Time spent. Time lost. Time alone. Time together.  Fair time. Equal time. Quality time. Valuable time.. Time, time, time.

So how can we resolve the time issue. Before my husband and I embarked on this journey of polygamy, time was of no consequence. Whatever we did not get to today. Whatever was not said, discussed or resolved today. Whatever was not fulfilled today. Is of no consequence today. For there is tomorrow, the next day, next month. We have a lifetime together still. And we still have all of those, but the spontaneity is gone. Because now there is a countdown. Four more days, three more days, two more days, one last night. And before you know it you are so wrapped up in counting days, that you forget to get value and quality out of the days you have.

Seven days together and seven days apart. But it became six and then sometimes five. So you have gone from thirty days together to a measly twelve or ten days spent with your husband. Quality has been diminished as quantity has declined. A life planned and scheduled. Timed and calculated.

But life is not planned and scheduled nor can it be timed or calculated. Life happens, when it happens ,how it happens. Without warning, consideration or permission.

There is no such thing as “This week I am alone so I will not allow any issues to come up or to be dealt with” or ” This week I’m alone so I will not allow sadness or loneliness to creep up on me. Next week I can feel and deal with all of those things, because he will be here to `catch me when I fall. To wipe my tears away. To hold my hand and sooth any pain or sadness away.”

But next week will only happen…

Next week.