The Road Not Taken

The other day I read a poem by Robert Frost called “The road not taken” and for a bit I was somewhat confused. Could it be that when I wrote the poem down form the textbook, that I made an error in the title. Should it not be “The Road To Take”? But after checking, it was indeed the “the Road Not Taken”.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-by Robert Frost

In  this poem the poet finds himself at a fork in the road and has to choose which road to take. One road looked well worn by traffic while the second road appeared to be unscathed by traffic as it is covered in green grass with no trace of leaves trampled and rotting. He weighs his options and decide to choose the green road not being sure what influenced his choice. But in an effort to sooth his guilt of choosing the one road over the other, he promises himself that one day in the future he will return to take the other road. But in his heart he knows every road takes you away from another road, but leads you to another and so each new road you take not only takes you to a new road but also takes you father away from the road you did not choose. But as much as you accept the road you took and the journey it took you on, you will always wonder what the road you did not take would have brought you, where it would’ve taken you and what opportunities you missed because of not taking that road.

And as usual messages from my creator comes in different and sometimes strange ways. Because today I find myself exactly at a crossroad. A fork in the road with both options unknown to me. One seems to be a safe choice because it seems well travelled, the other green and unscathed by the footsteps of life.

So what do I choose…which road do I take?

 

Never before in my life have I felt so lost; so ungrounded. It feels as though my life lies shattered at my feet. Broken in so many pieces that it appears an impossibility to fix. Many of the shards left so sharp, that any attempt to reach for it result in f injury. Some pieces are so small that any attempt for fix it will be futile. And so I stand here with a sense of hopelessness not even knowing where to start to glue the remaining saveable shards back together again. And then added to that I still find myself standing at a fork in the road, not knowing which is the best one to choose,

So what does these two roads offer?

Road one…..

is the one that is familiar albeit destructive. The one that is known because of past experience, faith and the illusion that things will always be ok again but in reality laced with pain and sadness.

Or

take the new untraveled, unscathed road. Terrifying for fear of the unfamiliar and unknown, yet exciting with the promise of  hope and the new.

A cross-road indeed.

Much to ponder/

Loss of a Special Star

Bulelwa

Sadness seem to follow everywhere and strike at anytime. Such was the case yesterday when what should have been a time of celebration, goodwill, joy and happiness, turned out to a parents nightmare.

Today one of my learners, Bulelwa Wayiza, was mowed down by truck in her own neighbourhood. And so a young and promising life violently brought to a halt.

A huge void left in the hearts of parents, a family, friends and classmates, teachers and many others.
Now we will now longer feel and see the sunshine of your smile, the warmth of your hugs and beauty of the voice of this radiant songbird.

We will never cheer you on when your dream of being a famous singer comes true or your graduation after varsity or a beautiful bride at your white wedding.

How I wish to just once be able to mockingly ask you to shush, to bring the dirt bin so you could spit your bubble-gum or to to give you a hug simply because you asked. How I wish to hear your voice humming or belting out beautiful Xhosa songs in in the middle of class being in progress and saying ‘Sorry Juffrou’ flashing your gorgeous smile.

The world is a much poorer place without the sunshine that was Bulelwa.

We will remember you…
Forever singing
Forever smiling
Forever young
You were not for this world
God has a bigger plan for you
Rest easy my little songbird
Enjoy your stay with the angels…
Because that is where you belong..

Exposed…

Life_Exposed

Today was one of those days etched in my memory.
But also one of those days I would choose to fade with the fog into the sunlight.

Today my crimes and offenses were laid bare. Exposed for all (the new psychiatrist) to see. And what a dark and sombre occasion it turned out to be.

My head bowed in shame, my face filled with pain and tears flowing freely.

I saw my life as if i was looking into a fish bowl with myself being a monstrous gold fish.

I am a monster, a demon, an affliction that sows maximum damage to all that comes near. The closer to me you are, the more likely you are to become a target of my violent outbursts and attacks or fall victim to my darkness

So again someone promise to be able to help. Someone promises a magic potion. A miracle cure. Just another one to add to a list of many.

But this is my reality. Ugly and painful as it is.

So the only way now is forward and upward. Leaving the dark, ugly and painful behind.

Easier said than down, but worth making an earnest attempt.

That attempt together with faith and prayer, maybe, just maybe, some headway can be achieved.

So now to start over…

Once again!

the Bi-Polar Express

 

 

bipolar express blogpile

This morning while I was busy marking, something caught my attention on television. The program was about Bi-polar 2 disorder.

It could have easily been me sitting there being interviewed by the presenter. Everything rang true. (Echoed loudly.]

It was frightening, terrifying. For the first time I saw my life from the outside and looking in and it did not paint a pretty picture.

The interviewee unravelled my darkest moments filled with despair, pain, fear and confusion. Where in those dark moments I am laden with guilt of how I am torturing my loved ones. How I  often embarrass myself and those around me uttering inappropriate and offensive things. I  often hurt and offend all people I deal with. He spoke about the anger. The need to inflict maximum damage. The fact you know you should stop but is not able to do so.

The outbursts followed by being totally depleted of energy and the will to live.

Closely followed by desperate thoughts and planning of suicide and how you dying will be a gift to the world. Then comes the paranoia. Not trusting anyone. Even doubting yourself. Believing that you are a problem. You are seen as an invalid. You find it hard to believe those who claim to love you. You believe that they see you as sub-human and pitiful. You believe the world is out to get you and against you.

Then comes the self-pity. You feel sorry for yourself.  You feel this great injustice God, the world, the universe have done unto you. You feel ugly. You want to crawl into the darkest hole and never ever emerge from it again. Life becomes hell. Breathing becomes effort. Sleep become an escape and work becomes impossible.  And all you can do or have the strength to do is, to wait it out.

Wait till the next high or manic stage comes and you can feel somewhat human again. But mania comes with serious delusions of grandeur and false confidence. You feel you can move mountains. You start something new with all the energy you have inside. You obsess about this new venture. Then after a while (depending how long the mania lasts, you loose interest resulting in feelings of uselessness and failure.

And so the viscous cycle begins all over. Darkness and despair at forefront of this hellish circle of my life.

fear panic pain

 

All this makes no sense. I am an  intelligent , well read, experienced, pleasant, educated person.

I am likeable and loved by everyone I encounter. My children respect me and my husband loves me, more than anyone else and also unconditionally. So if I have so many people in my corner and husband who always puts me first and still after 19 years, see the girl he married. If I have a friend and sister- wife who loves me  as her own sister if not more than a biological sister. If I have siblings a mother, mother in-law, friends and acquaintances that wants me in around an in their lives.

Why do I so often feel I am not deserving of this world. Of the love that is so freely and effortless given to me.

Watching this programme was such an eye opener. Reality check if you may. But most of all is the deep-rooted anger for being the the victim being punished for another’s past crimes. Crimes perpetrated against me. Crimes that went unpunished, so it is being paid forward to me.

Unfair!!!!

This anger I feel is further fuelled by immense sense of hopelessness and fear.

So many questions…

Why me?

What did I do ?

When will it get better?

Will I go insane eventually?

Will I get dementia as mentioned on the TV programme,

 

I would rather die, before I become a blabbering burden on my family.

 

I HATE THIS DESEASE!!!

Relativity

twin-flame-soulmates

What is of value to someone, differs from persons to person. And so does what is valuable.

What one person regards as a means to and end, could be regarded by another as a gift.

Such was my experience for the past six years until it abruptly came to and end when I stopped working in the same place and at the same employer as my husband did.

And when I reflect on those times gone by, I realise that so often I took those very minutes and hours for granted. How often it was laden  with tension and anger and only in retrospect do I realise how precious moments were wasted on irrelevant, unnecessary  and non-sensical issues.

So special were those moments.

for those were the times we discussed our lives together.

Our children and agreed upon discipline measures; future plans and dreams we have for them.

Where we planned birthday gifts and parties. Where we celebrated their achievements and relished our feelings of pride.

We would speak about our relationship, the feelings we for each other and about each other.

We would speak about our dreams and wishes as husband and wife. About what we would like to acquire. About how we plan to realise our dreams.

We would speak about siblings and friends and family. About neighbours, acquaintances and community members.

We would  have in-depth discussions about news, topical issues and religious issues.

We would relay funny or fascinating and sometimes shocking stories about our day.

And through these interaction between the two of us, we would get to know the people whom we share our day with, without ever meeting them face to face. We would bring each other into each of our daily lives even when we are not together.

But there were also times of silence due to being absolutely tired after a difficult or gruelling day.

And even in those silent  moments, minutes and hours, we would simply relish and bathe in each others presence that is enveloped in an unspoken, but unmistaken love that is prevalent between us.

A love that does not need words to express feelings, thoughts, wishes,dreams and desires.

A love that lives in both of us and merge us into a single entity only a few experience in their life times.

A love that transcends our physical being, our cognisant consciousness and our emotional being.

Because this love we share does not live in a known space or a visible place.

But rather in that which no one  has access to except for our creator and ourselves.

Our souls…

Intertwined, interweaved, fused, and melted into a single unit that shares what can never be shared, felt, experienced or possessed by another.

For it is ours to cherish.

Ours to appreciate.

Ours alone.

Soul mates….forever.

 

So appreciate every waking and not so awake moment with that one person who shares that special space with you.  It can easily just not be there anymore….

On days like This

Today was one of those strange days. One of those days when I feel completely quiet inside, but not numb.

When i feel gentle and peaceful. Vulnerable and  fragile. Yet restless at the same time.

And this lull that is radiating from the pit of my stomach meanders on an endless and mindless path back and forth between my mind and heart.

On days like this silence is my best friend yet loneliness forces unwanted company.

So in a nutshell I have not been able to, in all of these years,  understand or define this strange feeling.

What hand long been apparent however, is that this undefined feeling  brings structure to my internal chaos, inspire my creativity and cultivates my productivity.

But all of the above feelings. thoughts and observations are dwarfed by something much more intense.

On days like this I feel like crawling under my husbands skin and resting my head under his heart.

On days like this I feel a closeness to him unlike anything I can describe in words.

On days like this I miss my darling so much, that it hurts.

On days like this I realise…

I am blessed.

inner-peace

Dangerous Waters

Every now and then we move into a negative space and suddenly all we focus on on is the little things we normally are able to ignore and tolerate. only now they have exploded from tiny dewdrops to destructive monsoons.

And if you are not careful, you might be swept away by the storm floods and end up as debris all damaged and broken up.

So don’t get smashed by that irrational tsunami and swept away by the emotional monsoon.

Rather flee for higher ground and wait for the storm to pass

higher ground