When you get married the husband has to provide the for his new wife with what she is accustomed to. And when you take a second wife the same rule applies. But what does that really mean. Or more so what does it mean to be fair and just. Is just and fair synonyms to each other. Is it a tit for tat situation. Is it a situation of she get, I get or vice versa. Or it it a case of maintaining the status quo.
Before my husband would fulfill all my needs. I seldom had ask. If i needed something, I could simply go and buy it permitting the money was available. Now I see his hesitance. -‘What about her? What should I get her?’ We were out alone once and went away for one night in the last six months. My husband use to be romantic now even that has diminished. So many things that is prevelent in a typical relationship just is not present. Maybe because this is not a typical relationship. Anything but typical. Our relationship is unlike any other. It is not only special and uncommon but it is intense, loyal, sincere and more importantly, it involves and evolves around not one but three people. Three people in four different relationships. Four? Yes four! There is me and him, him and her, she and me and then there is the three of us. Like I said, not typical at all.
Yet in this untypical relationship we expect our husband to act in a typical manner. Offering typical gestures and doing typical things.
It is typical to want o be with your wife, but it is not typical to not have that option or choice because you are scheduled to be with the other. It is typical to want to ask your wife to drive with to the shops, but not typical to have to decide which one to ask. It is typical to want to take your wife away for a weekend, but it is not typical to be faced with the fact that the other one will be left behind. It typical to want to take your wife out for a romantic dinner. What is not typical is to choose which one to take first and which one to leave for next time. So typical? I think not.
So is it then fair to have typical expectations. To want what is in a typical relationship. To desire and want that which is typical. Or should we rather write a new chapter with new expectations, needs, wants and desires. And then rather relish in the uncommon and untypical. And allow our husband to be untypical and wonderful in his way with both of us by his side most of the time and as often as he wants. Because he is not your average, typical husband and should be allowed to be and act untypical in his untypical marriage with his untypical wives. Here’s to being uncommon and…
Its been almost five months now that life has changed dramatically. Five months that I have gone from being exclusive to sharing my husband with my friend. In two weeks they would be celebrating their 5 month wedding anniversary. Five months of ups and downs. Tears and laughter. Happiness and discontent. Regrets? Still none. Questions? Many.
Time and quality of time seem to be the biggest issue. Time spent. Time lost. Time alone. Time together. Fair time. Equal time. Quality time. Valuable time.. Time, time, time.
So how can we resolve the time issue. Before my husband and I embarked on this journey of polygamy, time was of no consequence. Whatever we did not get to today. Whatever was not said, discussed or resolved today. Whatever was not fulfilled today. Is of no consequence today. For there is tomorrow, the next day, next month. We have a lifetime together still. And we still have all of those, but the spontaneity is gone. Because now there is a countdown. Four more days, three more days, two more days, one last night. And before you know it you are so wrapped up in counting days, that you forget to get value and quality out of the days you have.
Seven days together and seven days apart. But it became six and then sometimes five. So you have gone from thirty days together to a measly twelve or ten days spent with your husband. Quality has been diminished as quantity has declined. A life planned and scheduled. Timed and calculated.
But life is not planned and scheduled nor can it be timed or calculated. Life happens, when it happens ,how it happens. Without warning, consideration or permission.
There is no such thing as “This week I am alone so I will not allow any issues to come up or to be dealt with” or ” This week I’m alone so I will not allow sadness or loneliness to creep up on me. Next week I can feel and deal with all of those things, because he will be here to `catch me when I fall. To wipe my tears away. To hold my hand and sooth any pain or sadness away.”
But next week will only happen…
When you love someone you sacrifice for them. You give of your possessions, time, energy and even yourself. You put their needs before your own even when your need is strong and primal. You accept when that person cannot be available at your every call. Cannot be there when convenient to you. You hide your desires and silent requests. You lie convincingly to not let on that a void has been left because what you expected did not realise.
But I know you do the best you can just like you always did. Never taking for yourself. Never giving to yourself.
And sometimes, just sometimes, just to regroup and recoupe , you would slack just a little. But never enough to completely let go of me.
Yet more is wanted. More time.
More. More. More
Actions scream louder than than any words ever could .
I dont want for me. Not more time or more consideration. I want those for you. You are making the greatest sacrifice. Sacrificing time, space, choice and feelings. You had to give yourself, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Simply because I asked you too.
So the question one really find yourself asking is…
‘Who really is the selfless one?’