the Bi-Polar Express

 

 

bipolar express blogpile

This morning while I was busy marking, something caught my attention on television. The program was about Bi-polar 2 disorder.

It could have easily been me sitting there being interviewed by the presenter. Everything rang true. (Echoed loudly.]

It was frightening, terrifying. For the first time I saw my life from the outside and looking in and it did not paint a pretty picture.

The interviewee unravelled my darkest moments filled with despair, pain, fear and confusion. Where in those dark moments I am laden with guilt of how I am torturing my loved ones. How I  often embarrass myself and those around me uttering inappropriate and offensive things. I  often hurt and offend all people I deal with. He spoke about the anger. The need to inflict maximum damage. The fact you know you should stop but is not able to do so.

The outbursts followed by being totally depleted of energy and the will to live.

Closely followed by desperate thoughts and planning of suicide and how you dying will be a gift to the world. Then comes the paranoia. Not trusting anyone. Even doubting yourself. Believing that you are a problem. You are seen as an invalid. You find it hard to believe those who claim to love you. You believe that they see you as sub-human and pitiful. You believe the world is out to get you and against you.

Then comes the self-pity. You feel sorry for yourself.  You feel this great injustice God, the world, the universe have done unto you. You feel ugly. You want to crawl into the darkest hole and never ever emerge from it again. Life becomes hell. Breathing becomes effort. Sleep become an escape and work becomes impossible.  And all you can do or have the strength to do is, to wait it out.

Wait till the next high or manic stage comes and you can feel somewhat human again. But mania comes with serious delusions of grandeur and false confidence. You feel you can move mountains. You start something new with all the energy you have inside. You obsess about this new venture. Then after a while (depending how long the mania lasts, you loose interest resulting in feelings of uselessness and failure.

And so the viscous cycle begins all over. Darkness and despair at forefront of this hellish circle of my life.

fear panic pain

 

All this makes no sense. I am an  intelligent , well read, experienced, pleasant, educated person.

I am likeable and loved by everyone I encounter. My children respect me and my husband loves me, more than anyone else and also unconditionally. So if I have so many people in my corner and husband who always puts me first and still after 19 years, see the girl he married. If I have a friend and sister- wife who loves me  as her own sister if not more than a biological sister. If I have siblings a mother, mother in-law, friends and acquaintances that wants me in around an in their lives.

Why do I so often feel I am not deserving of this world. Of the love that is so freely and effortless given to me.

Watching this programme was such an eye opener. Reality check if you may. But most of all is the deep-rooted anger for being the the victim being punished for another’s past crimes. Crimes perpetrated against me. Crimes that went unpunished, so it is being paid forward to me.

Unfair!!!!

This anger I feel is further fuelled by immense sense of hopelessness and fear.

So many questions…

Why me?

What did I do ?

When will it get better?

Will I go insane eventually?

Will I get dementia as mentioned on the TV programme,

 

I would rather die, before I become a blabbering burden on my family.

 

I HATE THIS DESEASE!!!

Listen to the song

Reflection brings perspective and clarity.

But also points you to where you gone wrong and how different actions could have led to different outcomes.

You realise that in some some battles the casualties are far too great to justify the fight.

 You realise that you are combatant in an endless and waisted conflict that is not worthy of being pursued.

And that you are wasting precious resources on a futile and waisted effort.

Why not rather focus on the small battles won and forget about the raging war and the constant hope of the spoils it might render.

However, it’s easier said than done.

I think at the risk of sounding like I know, I am of the opinion that the very energy used to constantly engage in wasted fighting should be utilised in moving towards that which is positive and focus on the gifts you have in your life and in recognising them and appreciating them, more joy and happiness will fill your world and the people who shares it with you.

 So go on!

Follow the song in your heart and forget the noise in your mind that is keeping you on the battlefield and is bogging you down.

Naz

Fiqh of Marriage (Understanding the Law of Marriage)

1-Great relationships don’t just happen; they are created. You have to work at it.

2-If your job takes all of your best energy, your marriage will suffer.

3-One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is your own happiness.

4-It is possible to love and hate someone at the same time.

5-When you complain about your spouse to your friends, remember that their feedback can be distorted.

6-The only rules in your marriage are those you both choose to agree with.

7-It is not conflict that destroys marriage; it is the cold, smoldering resentment that you hold for a long time.

8-It’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with what you have.

9-If you think you are too good for your spouse, think again.

10-Growing up in a happy household doesn’t ensure a happy marriage, or vice versa.

11-It’s never too late to repair damaged trust.

12-The real issue is usually not the one you are arguing about.

13-Love isn’t just a feeling; it is expressed through our actions.

14-Expectations set us up for disappointment and resentment.

15-Arguments cannot be avoided, but destructive arguments can be avoided.

16-One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is focused attention.

17-Even people with happy marriages sometimes worry that they married the wrong person.

18-Your spouse cannot rescue you from unhappiness, but they can help you rescue yourself.

19-The cost of a lie is far greater than any advantage you gain from speaking it.

20-Your opinion is not necessarily the truth.

21-Trust takes years to establish and moments to destroy.

22-Guilt-tripping won’t get you what you really want.

23-Don’t neglect your friends.

24-If you think, “You are not the person I married,” you are probably right.

25-Resisting the temptation to prove your point will win you a lot of points.

26-Generosity of spirit is the foundation of a good marriage.

27-If your spouse is being defensive, you might be giving them reasons to be like that.

28-Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100.

29-You can pay now or pay later, but the later you pay, the more interest and penalties you acquire.

30-Marriage requires sacrifice, but your benefits outweigh your costs.

31-Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s a continuous process.

32-Accepting the challenges of marriage will shape you into a better person.

33-Creating a marriage is like launching a rocket: once it clears the pull of gravity, it takes much less energy to sustain the flight.

34-A successful marriage has more to do with how you deal with your current reality than with what you’ve experienced in the past.

35-Don’t keep feelings of gratitude to yourself.

36-There is no greater eloquence than the silence of real listening.

37-One of the greatest questions to ask your spouse is “How best can I love you?”

38-Marriage can stay fresh over time.

39-Assumptions are fine as long as you check them before acting upon them.

40-Intention may not be the only thing, but it is the most important thing.

41-Good sex won’t make your marriage, but it’ll help.

42-Privacy won’t hurt your marriage, but secrecy will.

43-Possessiveness and jealousy are born out of fear, not love.

44-Authenticity is contagious and habit-forming.

45-If your spouse thinks something is important, then it is.

46-Marriage never outgrows the need for romance.

47-The sparkle of a new relationship is always temporary.

48-There is violence in silence when it’s used as a weapon.

49-It’s better to focus on what you can do to make things right, then what your partner did to make things wrong.

50-If you think marriage counseling is too expensive, try divorce.