the Bi-Polar Express

 

 

bipolar express blogpile

This morning while I was busy marking, something caught my attention on television. The program was about Bi-polar 2 disorder.

It could have easily been me sitting there being interviewed by the presenter. Everything rang true. (Echoed loudly.]

It was frightening, terrifying. For the first time I saw my life from the outside and looking in and it did not paint a pretty picture.

The interviewee unravelled my darkest moments filled with despair, pain, fear and confusion. Where in those dark moments I am laden with guilt of how I am torturing my loved ones. How I  often embarrass myself and those around me uttering inappropriate and offensive things. I  often hurt and offend all people I deal with. He spoke about the anger. The need to inflict maximum damage. The fact you know you should stop but is not able to do so.

The outbursts followed by being totally depleted of energy and the will to live.

Closely followed by desperate thoughts and planning of suicide and how you dying will be a gift to the world. Then comes the paranoia. Not trusting anyone. Even doubting yourself. Believing that you are a problem. You are seen as an invalid. You find it hard to believe those who claim to love you. You believe that they see you as sub-human and pitiful. You believe the world is out to get you and against you.

Then comes the self-pity. You feel sorry for yourself.  You feel this great injustice God, the world, the universe have done unto you. You feel ugly. You want to crawl into the darkest hole and never ever emerge from it again. Life becomes hell. Breathing becomes effort. Sleep become an escape and work becomes impossible.  And all you can do or have the strength to do is, to wait it out.

Wait till the next high or manic stage comes and you can feel somewhat human again. But mania comes with serious delusions of grandeur and false confidence. You feel you can move mountains. You start something new with all the energy you have inside. You obsess about this new venture. Then after a while (depending how long the mania lasts, you loose interest resulting in feelings of uselessness and failure.

And so the viscous cycle begins all over. Darkness and despair at forefront of this hellish circle of my life.

fear panic pain

 

All this makes no sense. I am an  intelligent , well read, experienced, pleasant, educated person.

I am likeable and loved by everyone I encounter. My children respect me and my husband loves me, more than anyone else and also unconditionally. So if I have so many people in my corner and husband who always puts me first and still after 19 years, see the girl he married. If I have a friend and sister- wife who loves me  as her own sister if not more than a biological sister. If I have siblings a mother, mother in-law, friends and acquaintances that wants me in around an in their lives.

Why do I so often feel I am not deserving of this world. Of the love that is so freely and effortless given to me.

Watching this programme was such an eye opener. Reality check if you may. But most of all is the deep-rooted anger for being the the victim being punished for another’s past crimes. Crimes perpetrated against me. Crimes that went unpunished, so it is being paid forward to me.

Unfair!!!!

This anger I feel is further fuelled by immense sense of hopelessness and fear.

So many questions…

Why me?

What did I do ?

When will it get better?

Will I go insane eventually?

Will I get dementia as mentioned on the TV programme,

 

I would rather die, before I become a blabbering burden on my family.

 

I HATE THIS DESEASE!!!

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Listen to the song

Reflection brings perspective and clarity.

But also points you to where you gone wrong and how different actions could have led to different outcomes.

You realise that in some some battles the casualties are far too great to justify the fight.

 You realise that you are combatant in an endless and waisted conflict that is not worthy of being pursued.

And that you are wasting precious resources on a futile and waisted effort.

Why not rather focus on the small battles won and forget about the raging war and the constant hope of the spoils it might render.

However, it’s easier said than done.

I think at the risk of sounding like I know, I am of the opinion that the very energy used to constantly engage in wasted fighting should be utilised in moving towards that which is positive and focus on the gifts you have in your life and in recognising them and appreciating them, more joy and happiness will fill your world and the people who shares it with you.

 So go on!

Follow the song in your heart and forget the noise in your mind that is keeping you on the battlefield and is bogging you down.

Naz

Fiqh of Marriage (Understanding the Law of Marriage)

1-Great relationships don’t just happen; they are created. You have to work at it.

2-If your job takes all of your best energy, your marriage will suffer.

3-One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is your own happiness.

4-It is possible to love and hate someone at the same time.

5-When you complain about your spouse to your friends, remember that their feedback can be distorted.

6-The only rules in your marriage are those you both choose to agree with.

7-It is not conflict that destroys marriage; it is the cold, smoldering resentment that you hold for a long time.

8-It’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with what you have.

9-If you think you are too good for your spouse, think again.

10-Growing up in a happy household doesn’t ensure a happy marriage, or vice versa.

11-It’s never too late to repair damaged trust.

12-The real issue is usually not the one you are arguing about.

13-Love isn’t just a feeling; it is expressed through our actions.

14-Expectations set us up for disappointment and resentment.

15-Arguments cannot be avoided, but destructive arguments can be avoided.

16-One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is focused attention.

17-Even people with happy marriages sometimes worry that they married the wrong person.

18-Your spouse cannot rescue you from unhappiness, but they can help you rescue yourself.

19-The cost of a lie is far greater than any advantage you gain from speaking it.

20-Your opinion is not necessarily the truth.

21-Trust takes years to establish and moments to destroy.

22-Guilt-tripping won’t get you what you really want.

23-Don’t neglect your friends.

24-If you think, “You are not the person I married,” you are probably right.

25-Resisting the temptation to prove your point will win you a lot of points.

26-Generosity of spirit is the foundation of a good marriage.

27-If your spouse is being defensive, you might be giving them reasons to be like that.

28-Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100.

29-You can pay now or pay later, but the later you pay, the more interest and penalties you acquire.

30-Marriage requires sacrifice, but your benefits outweigh your costs.

31-Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s a continuous process.

32-Accepting the challenges of marriage will shape you into a better person.

33-Creating a marriage is like launching a rocket: once it clears the pull of gravity, it takes much less energy to sustain the flight.

34-A successful marriage has more to do with how you deal with your current reality than with what you’ve experienced in the past.

35-Don’t keep feelings of gratitude to yourself.

36-There is no greater eloquence than the silence of real listening.

37-One of the greatest questions to ask your spouse is “How best can I love you?”

38-Marriage can stay fresh over time.

39-Assumptions are fine as long as you check them before acting upon them.

40-Intention may not be the only thing, but it is the most important thing.

41-Good sex won’t make your marriage, but it’ll help.

42-Privacy won’t hurt your marriage, but secrecy will.

43-Possessiveness and jealousy are born out of fear, not love.

44-Authenticity is contagious and habit-forming.

45-If your spouse thinks something is important, then it is.

46-Marriage never outgrows the need for romance.

47-The sparkle of a new relationship is always temporary.

48-There is violence in silence when it’s used as a weapon.

49-It’s better to focus on what you can do to make things right, then what your partner did to make things wrong.

50-If you think marriage counseling is too expensive, try divorce.

PlodDing PolygaMath!!!

Often you hear marriage is a 50/50 partnership. But what exactly does that mean.Does it mean you should only give 50% and expect only 50% in return? But that would leave you with only 50% again. So then logic would dictate that you give 100% in order to receive 100%. Something most marriages just do not get right.

Thus essentially marriage is then not a case of two halves making a whole, but rather a case of two wholes completing and adding value to each other.

But how does the math work if the fraction or equation is subject to 3 parts as opposed to two. Then the math becomes even more complicated because how do you get 50/50 from a three part equation.

In a monogamous marriage the wife and the husband would be the two equal contributors, but what to do if there is one husband and two wives. Should each wife in polyganous marriage now give 100% and is she to expect 100% return? And if so, the husband should then be giving 200% in order to accomodate both wives. A bit taxing, dont you think? Or should each wife accept that the poor husband can only give 50% to each wife thus giving each of the wives the right also to only give 50% to him.

Sounds all wrong doesn’t it? So how do you work this. I certaily dont know.

I guess this this one will get filed under unsolved mysteries.

 I use to have 100% and now I have less. Not sure if I have 50% because question is 50% of what. Is it 50% of what I had or of what I could have now. Or is it 50% of what is available at any given time. The only certainty is to have 100% and then be reduced to an unknown number is discontenting, as your emotional budget in no way can balance. Simply because the expected emotional expense have not yet adjusted to the smaller emotional budget. And all this uncertainly makes it even harder to solve this complicated equation called polygaMATH.

Too many unknowns, making a solution impossible.

PolygaMATH will remain unsolved!!!

The slumbering dragon arises once more

Conflict is my new friend. It is constant pushing, tugging and pulling. An internal battle of wills; a battle between going back, being stagnant or moving forward. Bringing questions of why? Why now? Why not? Why still? What next? and how?
Why does it feel like everything is crashing. Drowning in layers of discomfort and uncertainty. Smothered by constant dosages of pain and tears. Unwanted and inopportune.
Feelings of desperation sets in. Old buried feelings that instill real fear. Current and intense.
Fear of the desires that are rearing their ugly heads at a time when there should be no need and space for them. A time that should hold only promise, with no accomodation for pain, fear, hurt, tears and uncertainty.
But slowly they have been resurfacing. First just ever so slightly and subtly. Increasing almost unnoticably, stealthilly like spies on a covert but deadly mission. Deadly with far reaching repercussions.
And now a full onslaught have been launched. With no intention of taking prisoners. Only total annihilation will be accepted.
Is this a battle worth fighting, I ask? Or is it futile. Am I a worthy adversary for this raging war that has unwillingly awakened from its slumber? Is taking a stand delusional? Do I stand a chance against this slumbering dragon who too often lifts its head to spew flames of despair on my life. Is it worth fighting? Do I even have a hope of victory?

I have a been at this my entire life. With little vacations in between. Vacations that would not only allow time to regroup, but also time in which a false sense of victory are created, nourished and nurtured.

But this time the dark force is striking with a greater vengeance than ever before. It has blood thirsty need for pain, hurt, sorrow and tears. Like it wants to drain your very life essence. Until what is left is nothing but an empty, useless,worthless shell. Devoid of substance, beauty, laughter, pleasure and joy. All that will remain is
NOTHING…

I do not want to be nothing.

Surrender, Concede, Capitulate

So I got angry because I felt excluded, sidelined, marginalised and ignored. Yes I felt  all these things and before I would have understood. Before I would have knows he is preoccupied and stressed. Before I would have waited it out. Things will return to normal and he would be in my space again. Tomorrow things would have calmed down and all will be as it were.

But tomorrow is not to be. It belongs to another. Another is holding her breath and looking forward to tomorrow.  I will have to wait till the next day and hope that the next day will not also pan out as today did. Will not also end up being lost, alone and empty. Because other more urgent matters arise.

And then little gremlins start popping up. Start whispering like vicious little devils in your ears. Whispers that creates pain and fear and discontent. Everything start looking like something. Nothing start looking like something. Something that you are not getting, that you do not have.Something that wish for and desire and longs for. You feel cheated and robbed. Robbed of what is yours and what is your right. And she is not to blame. It is her right too, yet she seem to be so gracious about everything and I’m everything but. Is there even anyone to be blamed?  No! No blame. Just demons screaming in your heart and creating noise in your head. And you pain. So much that you have an intense desire to just close up and shut down, for if you close up and shut down, you do not feel. And if you do not feel, you cannot hurt. You cannot pain.

Time has become your worst enemy. Your primary source of fear. Fear of loneliness and fear of becoming obsolete. Yesterday’s news. Redundant and old. You know the  reality is that it is not so, but these damn devils keep whispering, screaming, making you hear. Forcing you to listen.

So you sit down and you try to be sensible and rational. He does love you, you know that. She puts you first as well. You know that too.

So why the doubt?  

Why the lack of faith?

Why do I need so much reassurance and reaffirmation?

Is it because of past trust issues and past insecurities? Why can I not trust and believe without any doubt?  Why am I so careful? Is it fear of getting hurt by those you think and believe love you?  In the past you were also loved. Or so you thought. There were hidden, selfish and painful agendas. That hurt, crippled, and near destroyed you.

But that was then. Now is different. You won that battle and annihilated the enemy. Victory was yours!!! So why do you still feel fear and pain. Is it just a bad habit? A habit that wont die. I feel like giving up. Letting everything go and giving everything freedom. Freedom to do  and say and make without me. Without having to consider me and complicate things. Because I am damaged, irreparable, corrupted and lost. I should be cut loose before anyone else get pulled down by me.

Am I asking too much? Do I even have the right to ask or to expect, to want, to need, to wish. Maybe not. Maybe never.

So I will just stick to the familiar which brings me to the bottom line.

And that bottom line is…

I am never to be happy .

Never to be content.

Never to be at peace.

Maybe my contentment lies elsewhere and is not due now. So will stop trying and just wait.

So I will wait…

I am ready…

For the past week I have been grappling with my health. My one kidney struggling to do its job resulting in toxemia. I have forgotten how ill you can feel when struggling with renal problems. The constant nausea, headaches, dizziness and tiredness. Before I didn’t quite realise the seriousness of  having renal problems, but as I am now getting older I have come to the realisation that I can and would probably die of renal failure unless something else comes up before then. And it will. I know that. I have always felt that old age was not something I should look forward to. Longevity was not part  of my life plan or path.

Which made me reflect on many things. And then I remembered what someone , well more than one person actually, had asked me. When I , we, embarked on this journey or a polygamous marriage and I informed those I felt needed to know, I was asked whether I was dying. I was a bit surprised if not a little perturbed by this very unexpected question. “Why are you asking me that?” was my confused response.  “Well”, I was informed, “It seem as though you are getting things in place for your family for when you not there anymore. Someone to be a wife for your husband and a mother to your children. Obviously someone you trust and know will be good for your family.” Needless to say I totally dispelled any such notion to the extent that I found this kind of paranoia funny and laughable.

However now 5 months down the line, and having been really sick for the first time in years, I find myself questioning my mortality. Questioning the journey Allah has put me on. Questioning how building blocks have been laid down seemingly in isolation, over an extended period of time. But upon reflection and retrospection all these random and isolated instances and emotional growth and movement seem anything but random and isolated. They seem to be part of an elaborate and covert plan architected by a higher power with a vision that is obscured from  to us.

Question is: Am I that special that Allah would afford me the gift of having the peace of mind that those I love is taken care of and are all together to be a support to each other when I no longer walk this earth. Maybe this is the reward for all my pain and suffering all of my life.  I believe in a fair and benevolent Creator and if this elaborate plan indeed is the gift of peace of mind than the benevolence of my Allah is confirmed and I regard myself special, chosen and lucky.

In in that light I want to say thank you. Thank you Allah for caring enough for me to do all of this for me. I stand before you ready and waiting for whatever the next journey is that you taking me on. Be it longevity or death. I am ready…