This morning while I was busy marking, something caught my attention on television. The program was about Bi-polar 2 disorder.
It could have easily been me sitting there being interviewed by the presenter. Everything rang true. (Echoed loudly.]
It was frightening, terrifying. For the first time I saw my life from the outside and looking in and it did not paint a pretty picture.
The interviewee unravelled my darkest moments filled with despair, pain, fear and confusion. Where in those dark moments I am laden with guilt of how I am torturing my loved ones. How I often embarrass myself and those around me uttering inappropriate and offensive things. I often hurt and offend all people I deal with. He spoke about the anger. The need to inflict maximum damage. The fact you know you should stop but is not able to do so.
The outbursts followed by being totally depleted of energy and the will to live.
Closely followed by desperate thoughts and planning of suicide and how you dying will be a gift to the world. Then comes the paranoia. Not trusting anyone. Even doubting yourself. Believing that you are a problem. You are seen as an invalid. You find it hard to believe those who claim to love you. You believe that they see you as sub-human and pitiful. You believe the world is out to get you and against you.
Then comes the self-pity. You feel sorry for yourself. You feel this great injustice God, the world, the universe have done unto you. You feel ugly. You want to crawl into the darkest hole and never ever emerge from it again. Life becomes hell. Breathing becomes effort. Sleep become an escape and work becomes impossible. And all you can do or have the strength to do is, to wait it out.
Wait till the next high or manic stage comes and you can feel somewhat human again. But mania comes with serious delusions of grandeur and false confidence. You feel you can move mountains. You start something new with all the energy you have inside. You obsess about this new venture. Then after a while (depending how long the mania lasts, you loose interest resulting in feelings of uselessness and failure.
And so the viscous cycle begins all over. Darkness and despair at forefront of this hellish circle of my life.
All this makes no sense. I am an intelligent , well read, experienced, pleasant, educated person.
I am likeable and loved by everyone I encounter. My children respect me and my husband loves me, more than anyone else and also unconditionally. So if I have so many people in my corner and husband who always puts me first and still after 19 years, see the girl he married. If I have a friend and sister- wife who loves me as her own sister if not more than a biological sister. If I have siblings a mother, mother in-law, friends and acquaintances that wants me in around an in their lives.
Why do I so often feel I am not deserving of this world. Of the love that is so freely and effortless given to me.
Watching this programme was such an eye opener. Reality check if you may. But most of all is the deep-rooted anger for being the the victim being punished for another’s past crimes. Crimes perpetrated against me. Crimes that went unpunished, so it is being paid forward to me.
This anger I feel is further fuelled by immense sense of hopelessness and fear.
So many questions…
What did I do ?
When will it get better?
Will I go insane eventually?
Will I get dementia as mentioned on the TV programme,
I would rather die, before I become a blabbering burden on my family.
I HATE THIS DESEASE!!!