Neva forget by Mocha Sistah

Relationships are interesting. Friendships are supposed to be healing and positive situations but sometimes…. There are individuals who pose as “friends” and they plot, and then steal what you deem worthy. Today is a day I’ll neva forget. Used to share my secrets with ya. Used to laugh about some crazy stuff with you. What I failed to realize is that you were using my information for your usage. And today is a day I’ll neva forget. This is a day you waited for. You wanted what I had. So you stole. What you fail to realize is that I am not in the darkness like you wanted me to be in. What you fail to realize is that I am God’s angel and he has my back. You can’t steal what things he has given to me. And even though I am trippin’ on your sillyness, I can’t blame you for wanting what I have. What i have is deep and real. What I have is beautiful. What I got you still can’t have. You have something with no substance. I have a deeper gift. A deeper thang. Sistah you can’t steal what blessings he has given to me. You can’t steal my joy. I’m still here. I’m still blessed. So even though I am disappointed in you, know that I am the bigger person and I won’t act crazy. I am going to be real with you. I am still going to be me. But I will neva trust you again. This betrayal is a little too much even for me.

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Personal, Private or Petty?

We so often use to term, ‘Its personal’. But what exactly does that mean.

If you having trouble in your life it is regarded as personal, but only to strangers. For those we allow within our emotional space are sometimes privy to things regarded as personal.

Sentimental items are regarded as personal as it only has meaning to you.

Your being, your very person. That is regarded as personal.

Underwear. That is regarded as personal, especially to men who are not your spouse.

Cosmetics and toiletries are personal because it is used on your body, your person.

Your own space, like your bedroom or your home are also personal.So I can go on and on.

Yes all these things are personal, but they are just as personal as the people you allow within that realm.Your bedroom will be private, but that privacy will be shared by a roommate or spouse.Your underwear will be private accept for those you decide are privy to that part of you. And so you will then decide the level of privacy you will ascribe to each situation.

But then there are  instances that  is  totally personal, without any question, such as your relationship with your husband.  However in my case even that space is often a shared space as my sister-wife is an integral part of my personal space.So my sense of privacy is much different to that of others. My boundaries are completely different. My life a shared space.

 

However, there are certain spheres of my life that to me is sacred and of which I am very territorial and possessive.

1. My own thoughts and feelings are mine and no one is privy to it unless I choose to disclose and share.

 

2. My children are also exclusively mine. The only world I need not share with anyone other than their father. Anyone else, will only be allowed at my discretion and on my decision.

 

Simply because I know how it feels to share the unshareble.

Sacrifice the unthinkable and adapt to the impossible.

To have traded previous plans, dreams and aspirations for new and unknown ones.

 

To have to shift your entire existence and plunge feet first into what sometimes feel like an abyss. An abyss where you walk in blindly trusting that as scary as the darkness seems, it will lead you to a place of  beauty, peace, calm and contentment.

So in the light of this bold and brave leap, is it unreasonable to want to keep some spheres untouched and uncompromised. Not all the time, but indeed some of the time.

Am I petty and pathetic to feel that my children and my relationship with them should remain sacred, untouched and uncompromised.

Am I desperately trying to hold on to the last frontier.

Or do I have just cause to expect that one sphere remain unchanged and grow with ME, around ME and toward ME.

Can I regard my children to be mine and private?

Just asking …

PlodDing PolygaMath!!!

Often you hear marriage is a 50/50 partnership. But what exactly does that mean.Does it mean you should only give 50% and expect only 50% in return? But that would leave you with only 50% again. So then logic would dictate that you give 100% in order to receive 100%. Something most marriages just do not get right.

Thus essentially marriage is then not a case of two halves making a whole, but rather a case of two wholes completing and adding value to each other.

But how does the math work if the fraction or equation is subject to 3 parts as opposed to two. Then the math becomes even more complicated because how do you get 50/50 from a three part equation.

In a monogamous marriage the wife and the husband would be the two equal contributors, but what to do if there is one husband and two wives. Should each wife in polyganous marriage now give 100% and is she to expect 100% return? And if so, the husband should then be giving 200% in order to accomodate both wives. A bit taxing, dont you think? Or should each wife accept that the poor husband can only give 50% to each wife thus giving each of the wives the right also to only give 50% to him.

Sounds all wrong doesn’t it? So how do you work this. I certaily dont know.

I guess this this one will get filed under unsolved mysteries.

 I use to have 100% and now I have less. Not sure if I have 50% because question is 50% of what. Is it 50% of what I had or of what I could have now. Or is it 50% of what is available at any given time. The only certainty is to have 100% and then be reduced to an unknown number is discontenting, as your emotional budget in no way can balance. Simply because the expected emotional expense have not yet adjusted to the smaller emotional budget. And all this uncertainly makes it even harder to solve this complicated equation called polygaMATH.

Too many unknowns, making a solution impossible.

PolygaMATH will remain unsolved!!!

Surrender, Concede, Capitulate

So I got angry because I felt excluded, sidelined, marginalised and ignored. Yes I felt  all these things and before I would have understood. Before I would have knows he is preoccupied and stressed. Before I would have waited it out. Things will return to normal and he would be in my space again. Tomorrow things would have calmed down and all will be as it were.

But tomorrow is not to be. It belongs to another. Another is holding her breath and looking forward to tomorrow.  I will have to wait till the next day and hope that the next day will not also pan out as today did. Will not also end up being lost, alone and empty. Because other more urgent matters arise.

And then little gremlins start popping up. Start whispering like vicious little devils in your ears. Whispers that creates pain and fear and discontent. Everything start looking like something. Nothing start looking like something. Something that you are not getting, that you do not have.Something that wish for and desire and longs for. You feel cheated and robbed. Robbed of what is yours and what is your right. And she is not to blame. It is her right too, yet she seem to be so gracious about everything and I’m everything but. Is there even anyone to be blamed?  No! No blame. Just demons screaming in your heart and creating noise in your head. And you pain. So much that you have an intense desire to just close up and shut down, for if you close up and shut down, you do not feel. And if you do not feel, you cannot hurt. You cannot pain.

Time has become your worst enemy. Your primary source of fear. Fear of loneliness and fear of becoming obsolete. Yesterday’s news. Redundant and old. You know the  reality is that it is not so, but these damn devils keep whispering, screaming, making you hear. Forcing you to listen.

So you sit down and you try to be sensible and rational. He does love you, you know that. She puts you first as well. You know that too.

So why the doubt?  

Why the lack of faith?

Why do I need so much reassurance and reaffirmation?

Is it because of past trust issues and past insecurities? Why can I not trust and believe without any doubt?  Why am I so careful? Is it fear of getting hurt by those you think and believe love you?  In the past you were also loved. Or so you thought. There were hidden, selfish and painful agendas. That hurt, crippled, and near destroyed you.

But that was then. Now is different. You won that battle and annihilated the enemy. Victory was yours!!! So why do you still feel fear and pain. Is it just a bad habit? A habit that wont die. I feel like giving up. Letting everything go and giving everything freedom. Freedom to do  and say and make without me. Without having to consider me and complicate things. Because I am damaged, irreparable, corrupted and lost. I should be cut loose before anyone else get pulled down by me.

Am I asking too much? Do I even have the right to ask or to expect, to want, to need, to wish. Maybe not. Maybe never.

So I will just stick to the familiar which brings me to the bottom line.

And that bottom line is…

I am never to be happy .

Never to be content.

Never to be at peace.

Maybe my contentment lies elsewhere and is not due now. So will stop trying and just wait.

So I will wait…

pawn on a chessboard

I’ve told him to do so many things. Just as I did in the beginning when we started on this journey. Guiding him every step of  the way to make her feel special.
Then they got married and still I would remind him, “Remember its one month today”;”She’s not feeling well, spend the night with her”; “Why not take her out for coffee?”;”Did you comment on her outfit?”. And every time I sent you away to be with her there would be the slightest pang of something.
Then it was her birthday and prior to that she had told me that you only took her out alone once really. So I did what I always do. I coached. I interfered. “Take her away even just for one night.” You did not seem keen to leave me behind. But just like before I put up a good act and convinced you that it the right thing. What is needed. What she deserved. Despite the fact that we have not gone away in ages. “Surprise her” I said.

So I packed your overnight bag and supplies. And all the time my heart was tearing apart. Bleeding as it broke into thousand pieces. My tears flowing freely. But this is what is needed. I knew. I even convinced you.
I have by now learnt that certain necessary acts will unavoidably bring pain. Pain I will work through and overcome.
I cried for many hours. Sms’d you as a means of reassuring myself. I knew it was hard for you to leave me. To leave me crying, alone and far away from you. Not in reach of your comfort. But again you trusted that I am giving you the right guidance and advice. Despite my pain and tears that was so intense that I could not even conceal it from your eyes.
You phoned before bedtime and again in the morning. I know why. Because you were worried. Worried that I was still paining.
You came back bearing gifts. I understand why. Because you loved me even more for being willing to pain for her sake. For giving to her what she so desired and wished for despite my pain. You were proud of me. I saw it in your eyes.

Now the tables have turned. It was my birthday and the gesture was returned. She told you to take me away even just for one night. I have agreed to not argue. To trust that whatever is offered or done for me is needed. There was no tears from her. You did not need convincing as before. Should I feel guilty or bad. I had to fight not to. After almost two decades of marriage I guess it is expected.
But then I realise your focus is on me feeling better. Me coping better. That is her intention too. So you focus on me completely or maybe you don’t yet have the same need for her as you do for me. A need that have grown over many years. I know in time it will be there for her too. I know she knows it to. (I just hope she believes it.) Or maybe you thought you both are on the same page. But I guess she was not. She had expectations. Expectations because of what she saw when she was away with you. Is it bean counting?  I don’t think so. Just dreams that did not materialise.

But still I feel bad for you. You constantly are expected to say, to do, to give. Expected by me and expected by her. So what is left for you?

Have I robbed you of your life? Have I robbed you of your quality of life? The pressures you are under is inhumane. Pressure of time, place, emotions, expression and finance. I fail to see you having any quality of life. I find myself overcome with guilt. Did I do this to you?
I hate that you are passed around like a toy or accessory. Sometimes I get it and sometimes she does.
I wish I knew how to strike a balance. I wish I knew how to not also want. I see how much you do, you give. I just wish I did not need more.

Wish you were not …
a pawn on a chess board.

I am not upset, hurt, angry, jealous or sad…

Time is ticking by. nothing is the same anymore, yet so much is better than it was.

My husband and I will be celebrating out eighteenth wedding anniversary at the end of this year.

Eighteen years of joy and bliss? I wish I could say that. Joy there have been. Smiles and laughter there were often. Happiness visited frequently. Contentment would be a visitor too. The only constant was love. Despite all the struggles. Struggles with my dark and painful past. Love would always be there.

His love for me and my love for him.

In times of  sadness he would be there to kiss away my tears.

In times of  fear and hurt, he would hold me till I would feel safe again.

When I couldn’t sleep, he would rock in his arms untill sleep came.

When I needed to fight those who hurt me, he would be alongside me to fight with me.

When I didn’t have the strength to fight, he would fight for me.

When I couldn’t speak for myself, he was my voice.

When my legs could not carry me, he held me up.

When I was ready to give up, he inspired me.

When I lost faith in myself,  he kept believing in me.

When he looked at me, I felt like the most beautiful woman on this earth.

His eyes a mirror of  his love for me.

When he held me, I felt safe and content.

When he touched me, I felt desired and wanted. Like he cannot want or love any other.

But now there is another he also loves…

Another he also wants…

Another he also desires…

Another he also touches…

Another he also looks at…

Another he also kisses…

Another he also holds…

Another he would also fight for…

Should I be upset, hurt, angry, jealous or sad?

No, not in the least. Simply because him loving another has brought much joy and love into my life as well.

Because the one he now loves, I love even more. She is my friend, sister, my confidante and sometimes my voice of reason.

So no I am not upset, hurt, angry, jealous or sad.

Because of  her all that I had with my husband before have increased tenfold.

He loves me even more than before.

He desires me even more than before.

When he looks at me I feel like a beauty queen.

When he touches or kisses me I feel like a goddess. His goddess.

Sometimes it feels like he worships me.

I feel his eyes on me. I catch him staring at me with tenderness and love. I feel his eyes roaming my body as if they were hands.

So often now he would walk into a room full of people and it feels as if  he only sees me.

Everything we had before have been enhances, increased and reaffirmed.

So no I am not upset, hurt, angry, jealous or sad

So there are some struggles.

Struggles of being alone some of the time. Struggles of missing the mundane and daily routine of the past which then seemed normal and insignificant. Struggles of needing his arms to bring feelings of safety, when those needs arise at inopportune times.

But never struggles of doubting his love for me. Never doubting that I am still the love of his life. And that even though he now love another as well, that will never change. Never doubting that I am his soul mate. Never doubting that he still wants, desires and needs me.

So no I am not upset, hurt, angry, jealous or sad