Neva forget by Mocha Sistah

Relationships are interesting. Friendships are supposed to be healing and positive situations but sometimes…. There are individuals who pose as “friends” and they plot, and then steal what you deem worthy. Today is a day I’ll neva forget. Used to share my secrets with ya. Used to laugh about some crazy stuff with you. What I failed to realize is that you were using my information for your usage. And today is a day I’ll neva forget. This is a day you waited for. You wanted what I had. So you stole. What you fail to realize is that I am not in the darkness like you wanted me to be in. What you fail to realize is that I am God’s angel and he has my back. You can’t steal what things he has given to me. And even though I am trippin’ on your sillyness, I can’t blame you for wanting what I have. What i have is deep and real. What I have is beautiful. What I got you still can’t have. You have something with no substance. I have a deeper gift. A deeper thang. Sistah you can’t steal what blessings he has given to me. You can’t steal my joy. I’m still here. I’m still blessed. So even though I am disappointed in you, know that I am the bigger person and I won’t act crazy. I am going to be real with you. I am still going to be me. But I will neva trust you again. This betrayal is a little too much even for me.

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JOY IS IN THE SIMPLE THINGS

Joy is in the simple things: touching,
Embracing, chattering on for hours about nothing,
Sure of your place within another’s heart.
Simple things: like coming home knowing
Exactly where the treasure lies; like being
At ease with what you do and who you are;
Needing what you already have; accepting,
Desiring what you have been given; feeling
The gratitude of someone who is loved;
Investing goodness instead of money; giving
For the pleasure of giving pleasure; seeing
Fortune come to take you in its arms.
All this joy is yours for the price of loving,
Not only well but long, days of willing,
Years and years of wise and patient love.

Unknown

Because of you I am

Because of you …

I am!

 

MARRIAGE

 

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was greying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Kimmies Floral

Exposed…

Life_Exposed

Today was one of those days etched in my memory.
But also one of those days I would choose to fade with the fog into the sunlight.

Today my crimes and offenses were laid bare. Exposed for all (the new psychiatrist) to see. And what a dark and sombre occasion it turned out to be.

My head bowed in shame, my face filled with pain and tears flowing freely.

I saw my life as if i was looking into a fish bowl with myself being a monstrous gold fish.

I am a monster, a demon, an affliction that sows maximum damage to all that comes near. The closer to me you are, the more likely you are to become a target of my violent outbursts and attacks or fall victim to my darkness

So again someone promise to be able to help. Someone promises a magic potion. A miracle cure. Just another one to add to a list of many.

But this is my reality. Ugly and painful as it is.

So the only way now is forward and upward. Leaving the dark, ugly and painful behind.

Easier said than down, but worth making an earnest attempt.

That attempt together with faith and prayer, maybe, just maybe, some headway can be achieved.

So now to start over…

Once again!

Relativity

twin-flame-soulmates

What is of value to someone, differs from persons to person. And so does what is valuable.

What one person regards as a means to and end, could be regarded by another as a gift.

Such was my experience for the past six years until it abruptly came to and end when I stopped working in the same place and at the same employer as my husband did.

And when I reflect on those times gone by, I realise that so often I took those very minutes and hours for granted. How often it was laden  with tension and anger and only in retrospect do I realise how precious moments were wasted on irrelevant, unnecessary  and non-sensical issues.

So special were those moments.

for those were the times we discussed our lives together.

Our children and agreed upon discipline measures; future plans and dreams we have for them.

Where we planned birthday gifts and parties. Where we celebrated their achievements and relished our feelings of pride.

We would speak about our relationship, the feelings we for each other and about each other.

We would speak about our dreams and wishes as husband and wife. About what we would like to acquire. About how we plan to realise our dreams.

We would speak about siblings and friends and family. About neighbours, acquaintances and community members.

We would  have in-depth discussions about news, topical issues and religious issues.

We would relay funny or fascinating and sometimes shocking stories about our day.

And through these interaction between the two of us, we would get to know the people whom we share our day with, without ever meeting them face to face. We would bring each other into each of our daily lives even when we are not together.

But there were also times of silence due to being absolutely tired after a difficult or gruelling day.

And even in those silent  moments, minutes and hours, we would simply relish and bathe in each others presence that is enveloped in an unspoken, but unmistaken love that is prevalent between us.

A love that does not need words to express feelings, thoughts, wishes,dreams and desires.

A love that lives in both of us and merge us into a single entity only a few experience in their life times.

A love that transcends our physical being, our cognisant consciousness and our emotional being.

Because this love we share does not live in a known space or a visible place.

But rather in that which no one  has access to except for our creator and ourselves.

Our souls…

Intertwined, interweaved, fused, and melted into a single unit that shares what can never be shared, felt, experienced or possessed by another.

For it is ours to cherish.

Ours to appreciate.

Ours alone.

Soul mates….forever.

 

So appreciate every waking and not so awake moment with that one person who shares that special space with you.  It can easily just not be there anymore….

On days like This

Today was one of those strange days. One of those days when I feel completely quiet inside, but not numb.

When i feel gentle and peaceful. Vulnerable and  fragile. Yet restless at the same time.

And this lull that is radiating from the pit of my stomach meanders on an endless and mindless path back and forth between my mind and heart.

On days like this silence is my best friend yet loneliness forces unwanted company.

So in a nutshell I have not been able to, in all of these years,  understand or define this strange feeling.

What hand long been apparent however, is that this undefined feeling  brings structure to my internal chaos, inspire my creativity and cultivates my productivity.

But all of the above feelings. thoughts and observations are dwarfed by something much more intense.

On days like this I feel like crawling under my husbands skin and resting my head under his heart.

On days like this I feel a closeness to him unlike anything I can describe in words.

On days like this I miss my darling so much, that it hurts.

On days like this I realise…

I am blessed.

inner-peace

The gift That Keeps on Giving

its that time again

for me at least

to reflect on years gone by

of all the time we have been together

all the things we have shared

When I say we, I mean hubby and I

it is his birthday

and always a special time

as i can then splurge on him without him reprimanding me

 

i also then reflect on all the gifts he has and is bringing into my life

So much love, laughter, joy and another bazillion beautiful and fantastic things I have been privileged to share with him

And then I remember all the times when i wished and wanted for things I thought  I deserved or had the right to have

and how often i forgot that he is giving his all

which means there is no more to give if he is giving all that he has to give

so I guess it is my birthday everyday

simply because of the wonderful and fabulous  gift I get each day; everyday

the love of my husband.

And thank you for making me feel valued, loved and cared for.

Thank yo9u for having shared the last nineteen birthdays with me

 

Love you My Sweets

From your one and only…Koeks

 

love_forever