Today was one of those days etched in my memory.
But also one of those days I would choose to fade with the fog into the sunlight.
Today my crimes and offenses were laid bare. Exposed for all (the new psychiatrist) to see. And what a dark and sombre occasion it turned out to be.
My head bowed in shame, my face filled with pain and tears flowing freely.
I saw my life as if i was looking into a fish bowl with myself being a monstrous gold fish.
I am a monster, a demon, an affliction that sows maximum damage to all that comes near. The closer to me you are, the more likely you are to become a target of my violent outbursts and attacks or fall victim to my darkness
So again someone promise to be able to help. Someone promises a magic potion. A miracle cure. Just another one to add to a list of many.
But this is my reality. Ugly and painful as it is.
So the only way now is forward and upward. Leaving the dark, ugly and painful behind.
Easier said than down, but worth making an earnest attempt.
That attempt together with faith and prayer, maybe, just maybe, some headway can be achieved.
So now to start over…
Yesterday therapy was painful. After lots of honesty and candid talking, the conclusion came as such a shock. Old label replaced with new. But not just one but two.
Regression is evident. Tablets are to be reviewed and adjusted. Now again will be discomfort, anxiety, headaches, insomnia and irritation. I feel like my world is crumbling to my feet right before my eyes. More anxiety for the family. More for hubby to have to deal with. I hate bi-polar 2.
But I hate my two new enemies even more.
Bi-polar 1 and BPD absolutely positively and passionately
HATE and DESPISE you!
Every now and then we move into a negative space and suddenly all we focus on on is the little things we normally are able to ignore and tolerate. only now they have exploded from tiny dewdrops to destructive monsoons.
And if you are not careful, you might be swept away by the storm floods and end up as debris all damaged and broken up.
So don’t get smashed by that irrational tsunami and swept away by the emotional monsoon.
Rather flee for higher ground and wait for the storm to pass
In the times that we live we are constantly bombarded by ideals of tolerance and forgiveness
And yes, in a perfect world everybody will be naturally caring,loving, forgiving and tolerant. But being forgiving and tolerant is not allotted to everyone.
Some of us need immediate retribution as means to instant gratification and an immense desire to prove the guilt of another.
But the human species is adjustable, dynamic and resilient.We are able shift and change and adapt as needed.
We can put our happy face on at any time, despite what or how we may feel inside.
Be Brave when needed
Be cautious when needed
Be reckless when needed
Take chances when needed
Be gentle when needed
Be strong when needed
Cry bitterly when needed
Laugh hysterically when needed
Be humble when needed
Be proud when needed
Be sad when needed
Be happy when needed
Be kind when needed
Be harsh when needed
Be quiet when needed
Be silent when needed
Make our voice heard when needed
Be critical when needed
Believe when needed
Trust when needed
Have faith needed
Question when needed
Introspect when needed
And all this is needed
But also points you to where you gone wrong and how different actions could have led to different outcomes.
You realise that in some some battles the casualties are far too great to justify the fight.
You realise that you are combatant in an endless and waisted conflict that is not worthy of being pursued.
And that you are wasting precious resources on a futile and waisted effort.
Why not rather focus on the small battles won and forget about the raging war and the constant hope of the spoils it might render.
However, it’s easier said than done.
I think at the risk of sounding like I know, I am of the opinion that the very energy used to constantly engage in wasted fighting should be utilised in moving towards that which is positive and focus on the gifts you have in your life and in recognising them and appreciating them, more joy and happiness will fill your world and the people who shares it with you.
So go on!
Follow the song in your heart and forget the noise in your mind that is keeping you on the battlefield and is bogging you down.
I have not been blogging or even journalling in a while. Tried a few times but without success. Too much have been going on. Too many blockages. And too many battles to fight, decisions to make and stops to put in place.
All in an attempt to make life possible without the haunts of the past.
Without the constant bombardment of internal and external turmoil. Torn between my natural instinct to give and do for others and my instinct that all of us has certain undeniable obligations and responsibilities.
I understand that one hand washes the other but that does not exempt you from owning up to what is your responsibility. So one has a part to play and one should be aware of that role and understand that it is not a choice but and obligation.
The first obligation one has is to be true to yourself, but this is very often clouded by affections you have for those close to you. Especially when you realise gifts have been given that you did not need, Sacrifices have been made that you didn’t want.
This realisation in turn sends you on a spiral of sometimes anger, resentment, discomfort and guilt, but also a feeling of being out of control of your personal domain.
Then in an attempt to restore your personal equilibrium and alleviate the feelings guilt due the sacrifices having been made for you, you try to return the same gift. Only to then be judged and purged for your efforts and .
All this ends up in a sick cat and mouse game that result in tears, sadness, discontent and arguments.
How do get them to understand that I do not want favours.
Do not need favours.
And to check with me as to hat my needs are.
My independence cannot be sacrificed under the premise of HELP!!
SO THANK YOU, BUT NO THANK YOU!!!
Another one bites the dust.
The dying breath of 2010 after a long, painful but brave and courageous battle.
But despite all the obstacles it most certainly feels to drawing to a close on a maybe not high but positive note.
At least where it matters.
Once again love not only survived but also conquered all.
This year I lost much.
Sacrificed much and had to to make huge paradigm shifts and massively had to adjust my view of what my life should be and would be like looking forward.
But above all so much have been gained this year.
Our family grew with an additional wife and mother and our brood grew in the form of a well spoken, eloquent, toothless but absolutely adorable son.
And after some discomfort, major adjustment we are now all fully integrated and happy.