Today was one of those days etched in my memory.
But also one of those days I would choose to fade with the fog into the sunlight.
Today my crimes and offenses were laid bare. Exposed for all (the new psychiatrist) to see. And what a dark and sombre occasion it turned out to be.
My head bowed in shame, my face filled with pain and tears flowing freely.
I saw my life as if i was looking into a fish bowl with myself being a monstrous gold fish.
I am a monster, a demon, an affliction that sows maximum damage to all that comes near. The closer to me you are, the more likely you are to become a target of my violent outbursts and attacks or fall victim to my darkness
So again someone promise to be able to help. Someone promises a magic potion. A miracle cure. Just another one to add to a list of many.
But this is my reality. Ugly and painful as it is.
So the only way now is forward and upward. Leaving the dark, ugly and painful behind.
Easier said than down, but worth making an earnest attempt.
That attempt together with faith and prayer, maybe, just maybe, some headway can be achieved.
So now to start over…
Yesterday therapy was painful. After lots of honesty and candid talking, the conclusion came as such a shock. Old label replaced with new. But not just one but two.
Regression is evident. Tablets are to be reviewed and adjusted. Now again will be discomfort, anxiety, headaches, insomnia and irritation. I feel like my world is crumbling to my feet right before my eyes. More anxiety for the family. More for hubby to have to deal with. I hate bi-polar 2.
But I hate my two new enemies even more.
Bi-polar 1 and BPD absolutely positively and passionately
HATE and DESPISE you!
Every now and then we move into a negative space and suddenly all we focus on on is the little things we normally are able to ignore and tolerate. only now they have exploded from tiny dewdrops to destructive monsoons.
And if you are not careful, you might be swept away by the storm floods and end up as debris all damaged and broken up.
So don’t get smashed by that irrational tsunami and swept away by the emotional monsoon.
Rather flee for higher ground and wait for the storm to pass