Relationships are interesting. Friendships are supposed to be healing and positive situations but sometimes…. There are individuals who pose as “friends” and they plot, and then steal what you deem worthy. Today is a day I’ll neva forget. Used to share my secrets with ya. Used to laugh about some crazy stuff with you. What I failed to realize is that you were using my information for your usage. And today is a day I’ll neva forget. This is a day you waited for. You wanted what I had. So you stole. What you fail to realize is that I am not in the darkness like you wanted me to be in. What you fail to realize is that I am God’s angel and he has my back. You can’t steal what things he has given to me. And even though I am trippin’ on your sillyness, I can’t blame you for wanting what I have. What i have is deep and real. What I have is beautiful. What I got you still can’t have. You have something with no substance. I have a deeper gift. A deeper thang. Sistah you can’t steal what blessings he has given to me. You can’t steal my joy. I’m still here. I’m still blessed. So even though I am disappointed in you, know that I am the bigger person and I won’t act crazy. I am going to be real with you. I am still going to be me. But I will neva trust you again. This betrayal is a little too much even for me.
This morning while I was busy marking, something caught my attention on television. The program was about Bi-polar 2 disorder.
It could have easily been me sitting there being interviewed by the presenter. Everything rang true. (Echoed loudly.]
It was frightening, terrifying. For the first time I saw my life from the outside and looking in and it did not paint a pretty picture.
The interviewee unravelled my darkest moments filled with despair, pain, fear and confusion. Where in those dark moments I am laden with guilt of how I am torturing my loved ones. How I often embarrass myself and those around me uttering inappropriate and offensive things. I often hurt and offend all people I deal with. He spoke about the anger. The need to inflict maximum damage. The fact you know you should stop but is not able to do so.
The outbursts followed by being totally depleted of energy and the will to live.
Closely followed by desperate thoughts and planning of suicide and how you dying will be a gift to the world. Then comes the paranoia. Not trusting anyone. Even doubting yourself. Believing that you are a problem. You are seen as an invalid. You find it hard to believe those who claim to love you. You believe that they see you as sub-human and pitiful. You believe the world is out to get you and against you.
Then comes the self-pity. You feel sorry for yourself. You feel this great injustice God, the world, the universe have done unto you. You feel ugly. You want to crawl into the darkest hole and never ever emerge from it again. Life becomes hell. Breathing becomes effort. Sleep become an escape and work becomes impossible. And all you can do or have the strength to do is, to wait it out.
Wait till the next high or manic stage comes and you can feel somewhat human again. But mania comes with serious delusions of grandeur and false confidence. You feel you can move mountains. You start something new with all the energy you have inside. You obsess about this new venture. Then after a while (depending how long the mania lasts, you loose interest resulting in feelings of uselessness and failure.
And so the viscous cycle begins all over. Darkness and despair at forefront of this hellish circle of my life.
All this makes no sense. I am an intelligent , well read, experienced, pleasant, educated person.
I am likeable and loved by everyone I encounter. My children respect me and my husband loves me, more than anyone else and also unconditionally. So if I have so many people in my corner and husband who always puts me first and still after 19 years, see the girl he married. If I have a friend and sister- wife who loves me as her own sister if not more than a biological sister. If I have siblings a mother, mother in-law, friends and acquaintances that wants me in around an in their lives.
Why do I so often feel I am not deserving of this world. Of the love that is so freely and effortless given to me.
Watching this programme was such an eye opener. Reality check if you may. But most of all is the deep-rooted anger for being the the victim being punished for another’s past crimes. Crimes perpetrated against me. Crimes that went unpunished, so it is being paid forward to me.
This anger I feel is further fuelled by immense sense of hopelessness and fear.
So many questions…
What did I do ?
When will it get better?
Will I go insane eventually?
Will I get dementia as mentioned on the TV programme,
I would rather die, before I become a blabbering burden on my family.
I HATE THIS DESEASE!!!
So it is here.
The dying breath of 2010 after a long, painful but brave and courageous battle.
But despite all the obstacles it most certainly feels to drawing to a close on a maybe not high but positive note.
At least where it matters.
Once again love not only survived but also conquered all.
This year I lost much.
Sacrificed much and had to to make huge paradigm shifts and massively had to adjust my view of what my life should be and would be like looking forward. But above all so much have been gained this year.
Our family grew with an additional wife and mother and our brood grew in the form of a well spoken, eloquent, toothless but absolutely adorable
Seems like a lifetime. With many ups and sadly as much down.
Much love was always prevalent through out as was joy, laughter and special moments.
The highlight was my husbands marriage to my best friend and the absolute low was loosing a job and workplace I absolutely enjoyed and loved.
I’ve received devastating news but at the same time it was a relief to be in the know. To make sense of years of fear, confusion and trouble. To not feel totally responsible for much so pain and unhappiness.
So I guess in the end as bad as 2010 appeared to be, it brought many joys, answers and new beginnings.
2010 will definitely be the most memorable for many years to come.
Getting married was the best thing ever. Being married to my husband was a blessing and gift from God. For the first time I was happy, I felt wanted. I felt valued, I felt safe but mostly I felt loved.
But darkness still loomed. The past. The sins of a father was not going to accept defeat so easily. Past demons will not be vanquished with a little thing called love.
It continued its onslaught and attack on me, my life and inadvertedly, those I loved
There would be good times where all was good and laughter and smiles were frequent and plenty.
Times when love grew and life flourished. When coming home was exciting and being a family was a joy.
But then there were dark times. Times when the past and all its pain threw dark, scary, horrid shadows on our lives. When laughter was replaced with screaming and smiles replaced with tears. Excitement was replaced with fear and affection replaced with resentment.When emptiness was king and sadness reigned supreme.
And so it was for 17 years. This way and that way. Happiness and sadness. Never knowing what the next day bring. Unpredictable uncertainty. That was our life.
But every cloud has a silver lining. And our stormy cloud was laced with love. A strong, unrelenting, all forgiving, self-sustaining, un-apologetic and constant love for each other. And that love together with am overwhelming desire to be together and stay together became the primary combatant against the relentless assault of pain and sorrow.
But wait there’s more…
Life is always fair and always gives us what we need and what we deserve. And so we were blessed with a further addition and extention to our family. But not a conventional addition like a new baby, but rather a new wife, an additional wife to my husband in the form of my sister-wife and am additional sibling to my children in the form of her five year old son.
Now our family is larger, with more support, more hands when needed but mostly more love. More love to give and much much more love to receive and share. Now our family flourishes even more than before because…
Sometimes it takes more than two people to make a family work.
Dealing with life is different for each each person uses their own tools and skills they have acquired over time. And how we deal with joy and adversity is also totally subject to the background and coping mechanisms of that specific individual.
However adversity rather than joy has the strange way of regressing the individual to that childhood place of when we experienced discomfort, and then we respond to this negative emotion in an almost childlike manner. And that very thing we desired as a child, be it love, affection, comfort or acknowledgement then becomes a primary objective. And because of the primal, intuitive nature of the desire, we automatically revert back to same means we employed as a child in the hope of getting the need fulfilled.
2. to conceal what was hurting me and trying to deal with it on my own and in secret.
Then I know of another individual when faced with life struggles total shutdown occurs and he goes into a very silent space. Shutting down in every way and becoming almost recluse. Or so it may appear to those looking on.
So learnt behaviour easily becomes the norm and just like when we were kids and we got bullied by the school bully, we would rather feign a headache or tummy ache than actually reach out for help by telling an adult.
So as adults we do the same. We try to either deal with problems alone or we do manifest our need for help in an obscure manner and then hope that someone will recognise our cry for help and reach out to us. Whether it’s because we don’t have the strength or the courage to ask for help or whether we do not realise we need a help. The bottom line is, we deprive ourselves of that which is freely available and easy to access.
The helping hand
someone who cares.
So reach out, there is a hand waiting to take yours or catch you should you fall
She is a really special entity
She brings calm
She brings love
She brings safety
She is able to take away the darkness
She can take away the pain
She brings laughter
She brings smiles
She brings joy
She brings happiness
She brings contentment…
She brings pride
She brings gratitude
She brings faith
She brings comfort
She brings warmth
She brings appreciation
She brings reason
She brings rhyme
She brings compassion and understanding
She brings appreciation
She brings enjoyment
She brings fun and silliness
She brings enjoyment
She brings beauty
She brings care
She brings honesty
She brings purity
She brings love
She brings perfection
She gives affection
She takes away loneliness
She takes away sadness
She takes away discomfort
She takes away regret
She takes away losses
She never takes
She is a friendship
She is a sister
She is a partner
She is a shopping buddy