the Bi-Polar Express

 

 

bipolar express blogpile

This morning while I was busy marking, something caught my attention on television. The program was about Bi-polar 2 disorder.

It could have easily been me sitting there being interviewed by the presenter. Everything rang true. (Echoed loudly.]

It was frightening, terrifying. For the first time I saw my life from the outside and looking in and it did not paint a pretty picture.

The interviewee unravelled my darkest moments filled with despair, pain, fear and confusion. Where in those dark moments I am laden with guilt of how I am torturing my loved ones. How I  often embarrass myself and those around me uttering inappropriate and offensive things. I  often hurt and offend all people I deal with. He spoke about the anger. The need to inflict maximum damage. The fact you know you should stop but is not able to do so.

The outbursts followed by being totally depleted of energy and the will to live.

Closely followed by desperate thoughts and planning of suicide and how you dying will be a gift to the world. Then comes the paranoia. Not trusting anyone. Even doubting yourself. Believing that you are a problem. You are seen as an invalid. You find it hard to believe those who claim to love you. You believe that they see you as sub-human and pitiful. You believe the world is out to get you and against you.

Then comes the self-pity. You feel sorry for yourself.  You feel this great injustice God, the world, the universe have done unto you. You feel ugly. You want to crawl into the darkest hole and never ever emerge from it again. Life becomes hell. Breathing becomes effort. Sleep become an escape and work becomes impossible.  And all you can do or have the strength to do is, to wait it out.

Wait till the next high or manic stage comes and you can feel somewhat human again. But mania comes with serious delusions of grandeur and false confidence. You feel you can move mountains. You start something new with all the energy you have inside. You obsess about this new venture. Then after a while (depending how long the mania lasts, you loose interest resulting in feelings of uselessness and failure.

And so the viscous cycle begins all over. Darkness and despair at forefront of this hellish circle of my life.

fear panic pain

 

All this makes no sense. I am an  intelligent , well read, experienced, pleasant, educated person.

I am likeable and loved by everyone I encounter. My children respect me and my husband loves me, more than anyone else and also unconditionally. So if I have so many people in my corner and husband who always puts me first and still after 19 years, see the girl he married. If I have a friend and sister- wife who loves me  as her own sister if not more than a biological sister. If I have siblings a mother, mother in-law, friends and acquaintances that wants me in around an in their lives.

Why do I so often feel I am not deserving of this world. Of the love that is so freely and effortless given to me.

Watching this programme was such an eye opener. Reality check if you may. But most of all is the deep-rooted anger for being the the victim being punished for another’s past crimes. Crimes perpetrated against me. Crimes that went unpunished, so it is being paid forward to me.

Unfair!!!!

This anger I feel is further fuelled by immense sense of hopelessness and fear.

So many questions…

Why me?

What did I do ?

When will it get better?

Will I go insane eventually?

Will I get dementia as mentioned on the TV programme,

 

I would rather die, before I become a blabbering burden on my family.

 

I HATE THIS DESEASE!!!

Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust.

 The dying breath of 2010 after a long, painful but brave and courageous battle.

But despite all the obstacles it most certainly feels to drawing to a close on a maybe not high but positive note.

 At least where it matters.

Once again love not only survived but also conquered all.

This year I lost much.

Sacrificed much and had to to make huge paradigm shifts and massively had to adjust my view of what my life should be and would be like looking forward.

 But above all so much have been gained this year.

 Our family grew with an additional wife and mother and our brood grew in the form of a well spoken, eloquent, toothless but absolutely adorable son.

And after some discomfort, major adjustment we are now all fully integrated and happy.

I did it my way

So it is here.

 The dying breath of 2010 after a long, painful but brave and courageous battle.

But despite all the obstacles it most certainly feels to drawing to a close on a maybe not high but positive note.

 At least where it matters.

Once again love not only survived but also conquered all.

 This year I lost much.

Sacrificed much and had to to make huge paradigm shifts and massively had to adjust my view of what my life should be and would be like looking forward. But above all so much have been gained this year.

Our family grew with an additional wife and mother and our brood grew in the form of a well spoken, eloquent, toothless but absolutely adorable

Surviving yet another year

So another year is nearing its end. And another year we have been together.

 years.

 

Seems like a lifetime. With many ups and sadly as much down.
Much love was always prevalent through out as was joy, laughter and special moments.

This year had been especially challenging both on a personal and professional front with the much joy, excitement and love but also great pain, discomfort and losses.

 

The highlight was my husbands marriage to my best friend and the absolute low was loosing a job and  workplace I absolutely enjoyed and loved.

 

I’ve received devastating news but at the same time it was a relief to be in the know. To make sense of years of fear, confusion and trouble. To not feel totally responsible for much so pain and unhappiness.

 

So I guess in the end as bad as 2010 appeared to be, it brought many joys, answers and new beginnings.
2010 will definitely be the most memorable for many years to come.

Personal, Private or Petty?

We so often use to term, ‘Its personal’. But what exactly does that mean.

If you having trouble in your life it is regarded as personal, but only to strangers. For those we allow within our emotional space are sometimes privy to things regarded as personal.

Sentimental items are regarded as personal as it only has meaning to you.

Your being, your very person. That is regarded as personal.

Underwear. That is regarded as personal, especially to men who are not your spouse.

Cosmetics and toiletries are personal because it is used on your body, your person.

Your own space, like your bedroom or your home are also personal.So I can go on and on.

Yes all these things are personal, but they are just as personal as the people you allow within that realm.Your bedroom will be private, but that privacy will be shared by a roommate or spouse.Your underwear will be private accept for those you decide are privy to that part of you. And so you will then decide the level of privacy you will ascribe to each situation.

But then there are  instances that  is  totally personal, without any question, such as your relationship with your husband.  However in my case even that space is often a shared space as my sister-wife is an integral part of my personal space.So my sense of privacy is much different to that of others. My boundaries are completely different. My life a shared space.

 

However, there are certain spheres of my life that to me is sacred and of which I am very territorial and possessive.

1. My own thoughts and feelings are mine and no one is privy to it unless I choose to disclose and share.

 

2. My children are also exclusively mine. The only world I need not share with anyone other than their father. Anyone else, will only be allowed at my discretion and on my decision.

 

Simply because I know how it feels to share the unshareble.

Sacrifice the unthinkable and adapt to the impossible.

To have traded previous plans, dreams and aspirations for new and unknown ones.

 

To have to shift your entire existence and plunge feet first into what sometimes feel like an abyss. An abyss where you walk in blindly trusting that as scary as the darkness seems, it will lead you to a place of  beauty, peace, calm and contentment.

So in the light of this bold and brave leap, is it unreasonable to want to keep some spheres untouched and uncompromised. Not all the time, but indeed some of the time.

Am I petty and pathetic to feel that my children and my relationship with them should remain sacred, untouched and uncompromised.

Am I desperately trying to hold on to the last frontier.

Or do I have just cause to expect that one sphere remain unchanged and grow with ME, around ME and toward ME.

Can I regard my children to be mine and private?

Just asking …

Its takes three

Getting married was the best thing ever. Being married to my husband was a blessing and gift from God. For the first time I was happy, I felt wanted. I felt valued, I felt safe but mostly I felt loved.

But darkness still loomed. The past. The sins of a father was not going to accept defeat so easily. Past demons will not be vanquished with a little thing called love.
It continued its onslaught and attack on me, my life and inadvertedly, those I loved

There would be good times where all was good and laughter and smiles were frequent and plenty.
Times when love grew and life flourished. When coming home was exciting and being a family was a joy.

But then there were dark times. Times when the past and all its pain threw dark, scary, horrid shadows on our lives. When laughter was replaced with screaming and smiles replaced with tears. Excitement was replaced with fear and affection replaced with resentment.When emptiness was king and sadness reigned supreme.

And so it was for 17 years. This way and that way. Happiness and sadness. Never knowing what the next day bring. Unpredictable uncertainty. That was our life.

But every cloud has a silver lining. And our stormy cloud was laced with love. A strong, unrelenting, all forgiving, self-sustaining, un-apologetic and constant love for each other. And that love together with am overwhelming desire to be together and stay together became the primary combatant against the relentless assault of pain and sorrow.

But wait there’s more…

Life is always fair and always gives us what we need and what we deserve. And so we were blessed with a further addition and extention to our family. But not a conventional addition like a new baby, but rather a new wife, an additional wife to my husband in the form of my sister-wife and am additional sibling to my children in the form of her five year old son.
Now our family is larger, with more support, more hands when needed but mostly more love. More love to give and much much more love to receive and share. Now our family flourishes even more than before because…

Sometimes it takes more than two people to make a family work.

Helping Hands, Pseudo Sickness,Veiled Vicinity

Dealing with life is different for each each person uses their own tools and skills they have acquired over time. And how we deal with joy and adversity is also totally subject to the background and coping mechanisms of that specific individual.

 

However adversity rather than joy has the strange way of regressing the individual to that childhood place of when we experienced discomfort, and then we respond to this negative emotion in an almost childlike manner. And that very thing we desired as a child, be it love, affection, comfort or acknowledgement then becomes a primary objective. And because of the primal, intuitive nature of the desire, we automatically revert back to same means we employed as a child in the hope of getting the need fulfilled.

 

For example, throughout my childhood I had two primal needs.

1. to feel safe.

 

2. to conceal what was hurting me and trying to deal with it on my own and in secret.

 

Thus at the slightest wink of pain or discomfort I tend to revert to bad habits and shut out the world and attempt to and believe that I can resolve my challenge or problem on my own.

 Then I know of another individual when faced with life struggles  total shutdown occurs and he goes into a very silent space. Shutting down in every way and becoming  almost recluse. Or so it may appear to those looking on.

So learnt behaviour easily becomes the norm and just like when we were kids and we got bullied by the school bully, we would rather feign a headache or tummy ache than actually reach out for help by telling an adult.

So as adults we do the same. We try to either deal with problems alone or we do manifest our need for help in an obscure manner and then hope that someone will recognise our cry for help and reach out to us. Whether it’s because we don’t have the strength or the courage to ask for help or whether we do not realise we need a help. The bottom line is, we deprive ourselves of that which is freely available and easy to access.

The helping hand

from

someone who cares.

  

So reach out, there is a hand waiting to take yours or catch you should you fall