Relationships are interesting. Friendships are supposed to be healing and positive situations but sometimes…. There are individuals who pose as “friends” and they plot, and then steal what you deem worthy. Today is a day I’ll neva forget. Used to share my secrets with ya. Used to laugh about some crazy stuff with you. What I failed to realize is that you were using my information for your usage. And today is a day I’ll neva forget. This is a day you waited for. You wanted what I had. So you stole. What you fail to realize is that I am not in the darkness like you wanted me to be in. What you fail to realize is that I am God’s angel and he has my back. You can’t steal what things he has given to me. And even though I am trippin’ on your sillyness, I can’t blame you for wanting what I have. What i have is deep and real. What I have is beautiful. What I got you still can’t have. You have something with no substance. I have a deeper gift. A deeper thang. Sistah you can’t steal what blessings he has given to me. You can’t steal my joy. I’m still here. I’m still blessed. So even though I am disappointed in you, know that I am the bigger person and I won’t act crazy. I am going to be real with you. I am still going to be me. But I will neva trust you again. This betrayal is a little too much even for me.
Sadness seem to follow everywhere and strike at anytime. Such was the case yesterday when what should have been a time of celebration, goodwill, joy and happiness, turned out to a parents nightmare.
Today one of my learners, Bulelwa Wayiza, was mowed down by truck in her own neighbourhood. And so a young and promising life violently brought to a halt.
A huge void left in the hearts of parents, a family, friends and classmates, teachers and many others.
Now we will now longer feel and see the sunshine of your smile, the warmth of your hugs and beauty of the voice of this radiant songbird.
We will never cheer you on when your dream of being a famous singer comes true or your graduation after varsity or a beautiful bride at your white wedding.
How I wish to just once be able to mockingly ask you to shush, to bring the dirt bin so you could spit your bubble-gum or to to give you a hug simply because you asked. How I wish to hear your voice humming or belting out beautiful Xhosa songs in in the middle of class being in progress and saying ‘Sorry Juffrou’ flashing your gorgeous smile.
The world is a much poorer place without the sunshine that was Bulelwa.
We will remember you…
You were not for this world
God has a bigger plan for you
Rest easy my little songbird
Enjoy your stay with the angels…
Because that is where you belong..
What is of value to someone, differs from persons to person. And so does what is valuable.
What one person regards as a means to and end, could be regarded by another as a gift.
Such was my experience for the past six years until it abruptly came to and end when I stopped working in the same place and at the same employer as my husband did.
And when I reflect on those times gone by, I realise that so often I took those very minutes and hours for granted. How often it was laden with tension and anger and only in retrospect do I realise how precious moments were wasted on irrelevant, unnecessary and non-sensical issues.
So special were those moments.
for those were the times we discussed our lives together.
Our children and agreed upon discipline measures; future plans and dreams we have for them.
Where we planned birthday gifts and parties. Where we celebrated their achievements and relished our feelings of pride.
We would speak about our relationship, the feelings we for each other and about each other.
We would speak about our dreams and wishes as husband and wife. About what we would like to acquire. About how we plan to realise our dreams.
We would speak about siblings and friends and family. About neighbours, acquaintances and community members.
We would have in-depth discussions about news, topical issues and religious issues.
We would relay funny or fascinating and sometimes shocking stories about our day.
And through these interaction between the two of us, we would get to know the people whom we share our day with, without ever meeting them face to face. We would bring each other into each of our daily lives even when we are not together.
But there were also times of silence due to being absolutely tired after a difficult or gruelling day.
And even in those silent moments, minutes and hours, we would simply relish and bathe in each others presence that is enveloped in an unspoken, but unmistaken love that is prevalent between us.
A love that does not need words to express feelings, thoughts, wishes,dreams and desires.
A love that lives in both of us and merge us into a single entity only a few experience in their life times.
A love that transcends our physical being, our cognisant consciousness and our emotional being.
Because this love we share does not live in a known space or a visible place.
But rather in that which no one has access to except for our creator and ourselves.
Intertwined, interweaved, fused, and melted into a single unit that shares what can never be shared, felt, experienced or possessed by another.
For it is ours to cherish.
Ours to appreciate.
So appreciate every waking and not so awake moment with that one person who shares that special space with you. It can easily just not be there anymore….
If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son! Rudyard Kipling
Another one bites the dust.
The dying breath of 2010 after a long, painful but brave and courageous battle.
But despite all the obstacles it most certainly feels to drawing to a close on a maybe not high but positive note.
At least where it matters.
Once again love not only survived but also conquered all.
This year I lost much.
Sacrificed much and had to to make huge paradigm shifts and massively had to adjust my view of what my life should be and would be like looking forward.
But above all so much have been gained this year.
Our family grew with an additional wife and mother and our brood grew in the form of a well spoken, eloquent, toothless but absolutely adorable son.
And after some discomfort, major adjustment we are now all fully integrated and happy.
This morning I feel again. Woke up without anxiety and was able to move a mountain with out effort or regret and with ease and conviction. I did good. Hope it was seen by those who have lost faith in me.
I am little by little regaining faith in myself and I imagine it will not be a swift or easy. But I will do my best to persevere on this journey to rediscovering myself.
Understanding my situation and accepting is stage 1 of ‘Operation making me whole again.’
As they say, it has to get worse before it gets better. So I will hang tight and wait.
Dealing with life is different for each each person uses their own tools and skills they have acquired over time. And how we deal with joy and adversity is also totally subject to the background and coping mechanisms of that specific individual.
However adversity rather than joy has the strange way of regressing the individual to that childhood place of when we experienced discomfort, and then we respond to this negative emotion in an almost childlike manner. And that very thing we desired as a child, be it love, affection, comfort or acknowledgement then becomes a primary objective. And because of the primal, intuitive nature of the desire, we automatically revert back to same means we employed as a child in the hope of getting the need fulfilled.
2. to conceal what was hurting me and trying to deal with it on my own and in secret.
Then I know of another individual when faced with life struggles total shutdown occurs and he goes into a very silent space. Shutting down in every way and becoming almost recluse. Or so it may appear to those looking on.
So learnt behaviour easily becomes the norm and just like when we were kids and we got bullied by the school bully, we would rather feign a headache or tummy ache than actually reach out for help by telling an adult.
So as adults we do the same. We try to either deal with problems alone or we do manifest our need for help in an obscure manner and then hope that someone will recognise our cry for help and reach out to us. Whether it’s because we don’t have the strength or the courage to ask for help or whether we do not realise we need a help. The bottom line is, we deprive ourselves of that which is freely available and easy to access.
The helping hand
someone who cares.