Surrender, Concede, Capitulate

So I got angry because I felt excluded, sidelined, marginalised and ignored. Yes I felt  all these things and before I would have understood. Before I would have knows he is preoccupied and stressed. Before I would have waited it out. Things will return to normal and he would be in my space again. Tomorrow things would have calmed down and all will be as it were.

But tomorrow is not to be. It belongs to another. Another is holding her breath and looking forward to tomorrow.  I will have to wait till the next day and hope that the next day will not also pan out as today did. Will not also end up being lost, alone and empty. Because other more urgent matters arise.

And then little gremlins start popping up. Start whispering like vicious little devils in your ears. Whispers that creates pain and fear and discontent. Everything start looking like something. Nothing start looking like something. Something that you are not getting, that you do not have.Something that wish for and desire and longs for. You feel cheated and robbed. Robbed of what is yours and what is your right. And she is not to blame. It is her right too, yet she seem to be so gracious about everything and I’m everything but. Is there even anyone to be blamed?  No! No blame. Just demons screaming in your heart and creating noise in your head. And you pain. So much that you have an intense desire to just close up and shut down, for if you close up and shut down, you do not feel. And if you do not feel, you cannot hurt. You cannot pain.

Time has become your worst enemy. Your primary source of fear. Fear of loneliness and fear of becoming obsolete. Yesterday’s news. Redundant and old. You know the  reality is that it is not so, but these damn devils keep whispering, screaming, making you hear. Forcing you to listen.

So you sit down and you try to be sensible and rational. He does love you, you know that. She puts you first as well. You know that too.

So why the doubt?  

Why the lack of faith?

Why do I need so much reassurance and reaffirmation?

Is it because of past trust issues and past insecurities? Why can I not trust and believe without any doubt?  Why am I so careful? Is it fear of getting hurt by those you think and believe love you?  In the past you were also loved. Or so you thought. There were hidden, selfish and painful agendas. That hurt, crippled, and near destroyed you.

But that was then. Now is different. You won that battle and annihilated the enemy. Victory was yours!!! So why do you still feel fear and pain. Is it just a bad habit? A habit that wont die. I feel like giving up. Letting everything go and giving everything freedom. Freedom to do  and say and make without me. Without having to consider me and complicate things. Because I am damaged, irreparable, corrupted and lost. I should be cut loose before anyone else get pulled down by me.

Am I asking too much? Do I even have the right to ask or to expect, to want, to need, to wish. Maybe not. Maybe never.

So I will just stick to the familiar which brings me to the bottom line.

And that bottom line is…

I am never to be happy .

Never to be content.

Never to be at peace.

Maybe my contentment lies elsewhere and is not due now. So will stop trying and just wait.

So I will wait…

Almost 5 months

Its been almost five months now that life has changed dramatically. Five months that I have gone from being exclusive  to sharing my husband with my friend. In two weeks they would be celebrating their 5 month wedding anniversary.  Five months of ups and downs. Tears and laughter. Happiness and discontent. Regrets? Still none. Questions? Many.

Time and quality of time seem to be the biggest issue. Time spent. Time lost. Time alone. Time together.  Fair time. Equal time. Quality time. Valuable time.. Time, time, time.

So how can we resolve the time issue. Before my husband and I embarked on this journey of polygamy, time was of no consequence. Whatever we did not get to today. Whatever was not said, discussed or resolved today. Whatever was not fulfilled today. Is of no consequence today. For there is tomorrow, the next day, next month. We have a lifetime together still. And we still have all of those, but the spontaneity is gone. Because now there is a countdown. Four more days, three more days, two more days, one last night. And before you know it you are so wrapped up in counting days, that you forget to get value and quality out of the days you have.

Seven days together and seven days apart. But it became six and then sometimes five. So you have gone from thirty days together to a measly twelve or ten days spent with your husband. Quality has been diminished as quantity has declined. A life planned and scheduled. Timed and calculated.

But life is not planned and scheduled nor can it be timed or calculated. Life happens, when it happens ,how it happens. Without warning, consideration or permission.

There is no such thing as “This week I am alone so I will not allow any issues to come up or to be dealt with” or ” This week I’m alone so I will not allow sadness or loneliness to creep up on me. Next week I can feel and deal with all of those things, because he will be here to `catch me when I fall. To wipe my tears away. To hold my hand and sooth any pain or sadness away.”

But next week will only happen…

Next week.

Creating space; finding balance

So much has happened. Things changed and changed back and then changed back again.
Try this, then that or maybe another or something else. I want, she need. He tries. He can’t.  Back to the drawing board we go. Again we try to find that we seek…balance, comfort and stability.

Sometimes happiness.
Sometimes unhappiness.
Sometimes ecstatic, sometimes discontent.

Sometimes you give again that which is closest and most precious simply because it is the right thing to do, despite the pain and sadness. You realise that another’s need maybe greater than  yours. You remember gifts from before and feel the need to reciprocate, hoping it will be appreciated. You make peace with the fact that if  it’s not, other gifts will make up and sooth the pain. 

Then you realise that irrational behavior stems from deep and dark places of pain. Old pain, very old pain and sometimes not so old pain. Little and big things becomes triggers for revival and reliving of old trash. Like reruns of really bad tv shows , we get tortured and twisted. So we Do instinctively to protect our sanctity, to reclaim the new, reborn and liberated  you.

Attack is the best defense!!!    

In that realisation  you learn to understand, to be tolerant, to be supportive and create a space in which healing can occur. Coz that is what love is… to step back and and put another first and to believe that when the tables are turned you will be blessed in the same way. That is what love is!!!                                                                                                                                       

Now time has become the greatest teacher.
Teaching to love without bounds, without expectation, without aspiration, without personal desire or need.
Lesson…
Happiness is to want what you have and not have what you want!