Almost 5 months

Its been almost five months now that life has changed dramatically. Five months that I have gone from being exclusive  to sharing my husband with my friend. In two weeks they would be celebrating their 5 month wedding anniversary.  Five months of ups and downs. Tears and laughter. Happiness and discontent. Regrets? Still none. Questions? Many.

Time and quality of time seem to be the biggest issue. Time spent. Time lost. Time alone. Time together.  Fair time. Equal time. Quality time. Valuable time.. Time, time, time.

So how can we resolve the time issue. Before my husband and I embarked on this journey of polygamy, time was of no consequence. Whatever we did not get to today. Whatever was not said, discussed or resolved today. Whatever was not fulfilled today. Is of no consequence today. For there is tomorrow, the next day, next month. We have a lifetime together still. And we still have all of those, but the spontaneity is gone. Because now there is a countdown. Four more days, three more days, two more days, one last night. And before you know it you are so wrapped up in counting days, that you forget to get value and quality out of the days you have.

Seven days together and seven days apart. But it became six and then sometimes five. So you have gone from thirty days together to a measly twelve or ten days spent with your husband. Quality has been diminished as quantity has declined. A life planned and scheduled. Timed and calculated.

But life is not planned and scheduled nor can it be timed or calculated. Life happens, when it happens ,how it happens. Without warning, consideration or permission.

There is no such thing as “This week I am alone so I will not allow any issues to come up or to be dealt with” or ” This week I’m alone so I will not allow sadness or loneliness to creep up on me. Next week I can feel and deal with all of those things, because he will be here to `catch me when I fall. To wipe my tears away. To hold my hand and sooth any pain or sadness away.”

But next week will only happen…

Next week.

Creating space; finding balance

So much has happened. Things changed and changed back and then changed back again.
Try this, then that or maybe another or something else. I want, she need. He tries. He can’t.  Back to the drawing board we go. Again we try to find that we seek…balance, comfort and stability.

Sometimes happiness.
Sometimes unhappiness.
Sometimes ecstatic, sometimes discontent.

Sometimes you give again that which is closest and most precious simply because it is the right thing to do, despite the pain and sadness. You realise that another’s need maybe greater than  yours. You remember gifts from before and feel the need to reciprocate, hoping it will be appreciated. You make peace with the fact that if  it’s not, other gifts will make up and sooth the pain. 

Then you realise that irrational behavior stems from deep and dark places of pain. Old pain, very old pain and sometimes not so old pain. Little and big things becomes triggers for revival and reliving of old trash. Like reruns of really bad tv shows , we get tortured and twisted. So we Do instinctively to protect our sanctity, to reclaim the new, reborn and liberated  you.

Attack is the best defense!!!    

In that realisation  you learn to understand, to be tolerant, to be supportive and create a space in which healing can occur. Coz that is what love is… to step back and and put another first and to believe that when the tables are turned you will be blessed in the same way. That is what love is!!!                                                                                                                                       

Now time has become the greatest teacher.
Teaching to love without bounds, without expectation, without aspiration, without personal desire or need.
Lesson…
Happiness is to want what you have and not have what you want!