The lost generation

 

Everyday I come to work, to school, dreading the day. Dreading the ill-mannered learners I have to deal with.

And even though it’s not all of them, the ones that are troublesome have the ability to bring you to your wits end.

Ill-mannered does not begin to describe them…

The coloured children who make themselves guilty of misbehaviour are disrespectful, disruptive , aggressive and down right audacious. They are fearless and have no problem challenging you in an aggressive manner showing no regard for the fact that you are the educator as well as an adult. They disrupt the teaching and learning process and appear to be untouchable. No discipline measures have any effect on them, not even the threat of suspension or expulsion has any effect.

The black learners are still victim to the past of oppression as they still cling to racial marginalisation that unfortunately is still evident between the different race groups of the school population. The irony is that Apartheid has been abolished for over 17 years and with most of them not older than sixteen it becomes ridiculous that this kind of mind-set exists with children who never lived it and was not even born when it came to a close as a policy of law.

These children are all victims of their circumstances. Result of parents not caring and teachers having given up on them. They come here to school because they have to. Because they have nowhere else to go and nothing else to do.

For some it is an opportunity to at least have one meal, often the only meal, from the feeding scheme, for the day. For others it is a means of avoiding adult responsibilities like caring for the sick and the younger ones at home. And for some it is a means to avoid chores.

Many of not all of them come from violent poverty stricken homes where their caregivers are submerged in their lives of  cheap drugs and liquor, inappropriate sexual behaviour and violence. And very often these very children also falls victim to these vices and even victims of these evils.

These children come to school and try as much as they can to not let the world see where they come from. What they come from and how much they hurt. But sometimes all this pressure and pain becomes too much and they become rebellious, challenging educators and acting out in class. Very often dragging a few weaker ones with them. And before you know it in attempt to stop the disruption of your class and to contain the learner, you as the educator becomes part of the abusive cycle. Be it by lashing out,giving a few cuts or even sling a few insults. Such is how the saviour becomes the aggravator, leaving this child with no-one to go to. Leaving the child with even less support, perpetuating, accelerating and aggravating the already aggressive, challenging and disruptive behaviour.

And what is then done. The victim (the child) gets punished further by means of detention, suspension and sometimes even expulsion which more often than not, results in the child becoming a vagrant or gang member and get  involved with drugs and liquor. With nobody taking responsibility for their part in this downward spiral.

So the cycle continues and is perpetuated by irresponsible parents and uncommitted educators.

A whole generation lost and ready and waiting for the next one to be failed and let down.

So sad…

Practice…

“Practice what you preach” is four tiny words that has more meaning than the thickest book ever written.

It addresses the human flaw of pointing at the splinter in someone else’s eye, forgetting the log in your own.

And very few of us are able to recognise when we fall guilty of this, yet most, if not all of us, are guilty of this faux.

So be careful before you give advice or criticize  or reprimand another, you might just be speaking to your own reflection.

 

So practice…

to practice what you preach

walk-the-talk

Helping Hands, Pseudo Sickness,Veiled Vicinity

Dealing with life is different for each each person uses their own tools and skills they have acquired over time. And how we deal with joy and adversity is also totally subject to the background and coping mechanisms of that specific individual.

 

However adversity rather than joy has the strange way of regressing the individual to that childhood place of when we experienced discomfort, and then we respond to this negative emotion in an almost childlike manner. And that very thing we desired as a child, be it love, affection, comfort or acknowledgement then becomes a primary objective. And because of the primal, intuitive nature of the desire, we automatically revert back to same means we employed as a child in the hope of getting the need fulfilled.

 

For example, throughout my childhood I had two primal needs.

1. to feel safe.

 

2. to conceal what was hurting me and trying to deal with it on my own and in secret.

 

Thus at the slightest wink of pain or discomfort I tend to revert to bad habits and shut out the world and attempt to and believe that I can resolve my challenge or problem on my own.

 Then I know of another individual when faced with life struggles  total shutdown occurs and he goes into a very silent space. Shutting down in every way and becoming  almost recluse. Or so it may appear to those looking on.

So learnt behaviour easily becomes the norm and just like when we were kids and we got bullied by the school bully, we would rather feign a headache or tummy ache than actually reach out for help by telling an adult.

So as adults we do the same. We try to either deal with problems alone or we do manifest our need for help in an obscure manner and then hope that someone will recognise our cry for help and reach out to us. Whether it’s because we don’t have the strength or the courage to ask for help or whether we do not realise we need a help. The bottom line is, we deprive ourselves of that which is freely available and easy to access.

The helping hand

from

someone who cares.

  

So reach out, there is a hand waiting to take yours or catch you should you fall

PlodDing PolygaMath!!!

Often you hear marriage is a 50/50 partnership. But what exactly does that mean.Does it mean you should only give 50% and expect only 50% in return? But that would leave you with only 50% again. So then logic would dictate that you give 100% in order to receive 100%. Something most marriages just do not get right.

Thus essentially marriage is then not a case of two halves making a whole, but rather a case of two wholes completing and adding value to each other.

But how does the math work if the fraction or equation is subject to 3 parts as opposed to two. Then the math becomes even more complicated because how do you get 50/50 from a three part equation.

In a monogamous marriage the wife and the husband would be the two equal contributors, but what to do if there is one husband and two wives. Should each wife in polyganous marriage now give 100% and is she to expect 100% return? And if so, the husband should then be giving 200% in order to accomodate both wives. A bit taxing, dont you think? Or should each wife accept that the poor husband can only give 50% to each wife thus giving each of the wives the right also to only give 50% to him.

Sounds all wrong doesn’t it? So how do you work this. I certaily dont know.

I guess this this one will get filed under unsolved mysteries.

 I use to have 100% and now I have less. Not sure if I have 50% because question is 50% of what. Is it 50% of what I had or of what I could have now. Or is it 50% of what is available at any given time. The only certainty is to have 100% and then be reduced to an unknown number is discontenting, as your emotional budget in no way can balance. Simply because the expected emotional expense have not yet adjusted to the smaller emotional budget. And all this uncertainly makes it even harder to solve this complicated equation called polygaMATH.

Too many unknowns, making a solution impossible.

PolygaMATH will remain unsolved!!!

I’m a children too…

Childhood is a very brief  leg of the journey of life.

And although it does come to end,  the child inside us does not cease to exist. We still miss many aspects of childhood that we yearn for. Some of us miss the innocence and carefree existence that childhood offers. But there is another childhood treasure that we do not only wish for but very often need as much as we need the air we breath.

We need to be nurtured and nursed when we re not feeling well. Be it emotionally or physically.

For emotional discomfort we often just need to know that we are loved and that someone cares and the odd hug could also bring comfort.
But when we ill, a whole different need arises. The need for nurture is then replaced with the need to be nursed… Just like we needed when we were little.
As a baby your mother’s arms offered safety, sanctity  and the promise that things you will be all better tomorrow and all will be well. Creating a trust and dependency on what a mother has to offer to that  little child.
And as you grow into a toddler, the arms of the mother becomes slightly less healing and the promise then becomes “a mothers touch can heal every scrape”. Her kiss can take all your tears away and she possesses powerful knowledge that could fix your world in a blink of an eye. As long as mom is there, present and within a hugs reach.

You then develop  into a preteen and then a teenager. Now the difficult task – deeming your mother as the most uncool being to walk the face of the earth despite what you really feel. Because that is what is expected in the world teenagedom. But all the same she is still the only one to fix the flu. heal the headache and mix the meds that will help nurse you back to health.

Then we move on and become adults, get careers, get married. And still when things go awry, your instincts point toward your mother as a source of salvation and solace. But very often your mother is not within reach as you have embarked on a new life journey, probably with a life partner.

So now what to do? Mom is not near. Solution. If you’re lucky, your life partner will be able to fulfill that role of the persona to nurse and nurture you back to health. Only now reciprocation is necessary as both parties may yearn for it at different times.

Bottom line…

We remain in need of a mothers touch from the cradle to the grave. Whether it is from your own mother or any other person you care for and cares for you.

So mothers,  nurse and nurture  your children for as long as you can, especially when they are sick. Irrespective of  their age. Make them the priority, above your husband, above yourself.

Fathers, nurse and nurture  your children for as long as you can, especially when they are sick. Irrespective of their age. Make them the priority, above your wife, above your parents, above yourself.

Husbands, nurse and nurture  your children and your wife especially when they are sick.  Make them the priority, above yourself.

Wives, nurse and nurture  your children and your husband, especially when they are sick.  Make them the priority,above yourself.

Because deep down we are all still children needing a mommy to take the pain away and make our world better!

Thank you to all mommys, daddys, wives and husbands who does nurse and nurture their loved ones.

Our first Eid together

Eid was never something I looked  forward to. It always filled me with dread and sadness. Mainly because it of the complications of not being able to see my family or choosing not to see them. But that is a story for another time.

Back to the here and now.

So I had the normal anxiety. Only this time I ascribed it to our changed marriage situation. My husband reminded me that for as long as we have been married Eid has been a prickly pear for me and I would have feelings of anxiety and discomfort; And as much as I accepted and realised that it was indeed the case, the feelings did not really subside. So there was some discontent and discomfort, but my husband and sister-wife stayed by my side and until the discomfort and pain subsided and I was then ready to start this very special day.

 

Anyway so I was fortunate enough to wake up next to my husband as it was my night with him because that really caused me some discontent as I have never woken up to Eid morning alone in 18 years. But Allah knows our hearts, our fears and gives us what we need and deserve. Alghamdulillah!

My sister-wife and I cooked together for our family. And it was beautiful. ( and really awesome having an extra pair of hands in the kitchen, lol). My act of love of cooking for my family have now become an act of love with both me and my sister-wife cooking for our family.

  

For the first time Eid actually held joy and excitement.

 For the first time I actually made the effort to dress up and not hide in my room the entire day.

For the first time I did not have anxiety about the day of Eid.

 

 

From there onward the day just went from good, to great to fantastically fabulous!!! We had great friends over for lunch which ran into tea-time, supper and a late desert. Never leaving the table, never leaving the joy, never leaving the laughter.

 

  

In addition new friends were made and new connections were forged while old ones were reestablished and reaffirmed. Not even cultural and foreign boundaries could withstand the power of love of Eid Fitr 2010 as it launched its onslaught on all the festering negativity and pain that has plagued me and those near to me.

 

 

I could have written a minute by minute account of Eid day as there was so many joyous and funny occurrences but I choose to pen only the core emotions and essences of the day because that is what I want to remember and treasure for eternity!!!

Thank you to all who contributed and made the day special. I salute you…

Surrender, Concede, Capitulate

So I got angry because I felt excluded, sidelined, marginalised and ignored. Yes I felt  all these things and before I would have understood. Before I would have knows he is preoccupied and stressed. Before I would have waited it out. Things will return to normal and he would be in my space again. Tomorrow things would have calmed down and all will be as it were.

But tomorrow is not to be. It belongs to another. Another is holding her breath and looking forward to tomorrow.  I will have to wait till the next day and hope that the next day will not also pan out as today did. Will not also end up being lost, alone and empty. Because other more urgent matters arise.

And then little gremlins start popping up. Start whispering like vicious little devils in your ears. Whispers that creates pain and fear and discontent. Everything start looking like something. Nothing start looking like something. Something that you are not getting, that you do not have.Something that wish for and desire and longs for. You feel cheated and robbed. Robbed of what is yours and what is your right. And she is not to blame. It is her right too, yet she seem to be so gracious about everything and I’m everything but. Is there even anyone to be blamed?  No! No blame. Just demons screaming in your heart and creating noise in your head. And you pain. So much that you have an intense desire to just close up and shut down, for if you close up and shut down, you do not feel. And if you do not feel, you cannot hurt. You cannot pain.

Time has become your worst enemy. Your primary source of fear. Fear of loneliness and fear of becoming obsolete. Yesterday’s news. Redundant and old. You know the  reality is that it is not so, but these damn devils keep whispering, screaming, making you hear. Forcing you to listen.

So you sit down and you try to be sensible and rational. He does love you, you know that. She puts you first as well. You know that too.

So why the doubt?  

Why the lack of faith?

Why do I need so much reassurance and reaffirmation?

Is it because of past trust issues and past insecurities? Why can I not trust and believe without any doubt?  Why am I so careful? Is it fear of getting hurt by those you think and believe love you?  In the past you were also loved. Or so you thought. There were hidden, selfish and painful agendas. That hurt, crippled, and near destroyed you.

But that was then. Now is different. You won that battle and annihilated the enemy. Victory was yours!!! So why do you still feel fear and pain. Is it just a bad habit? A habit that wont die. I feel like giving up. Letting everything go and giving everything freedom. Freedom to do  and say and make without me. Without having to consider me and complicate things. Because I am damaged, irreparable, corrupted and lost. I should be cut loose before anyone else get pulled down by me.

Am I asking too much? Do I even have the right to ask or to expect, to want, to need, to wish. Maybe not. Maybe never.

So I will just stick to the familiar which brings me to the bottom line.

And that bottom line is…

I am never to be happy .

Never to be content.

Never to be at peace.

Maybe my contentment lies elsewhere and is not due now. So will stop trying and just wait.

So I will wait…