Relativity

twin-flame-soulmates

What is of value to someone, differs from persons to person. And so does what is valuable.

What one person regards as a means to and end, could be regarded by another as a gift.

Such was my experience for the past six years until it abruptly came to and end when I stopped working in the same place and at the same employer as my husband did.

And when I reflect on those times gone by, I realise that so often I took those very minutes and hours for granted. How often it was laden  with tension and anger and only in retrospect do I realise how precious moments were wasted on irrelevant, unnecessary  and non-sensical issues.

So special were those moments.

for those were the times we discussed our lives together.

Our children and agreed upon discipline measures; future plans and dreams we have for them.

Where we planned birthday gifts and parties. Where we celebrated their achievements and relished our feelings of pride.

We would speak about our relationship, the feelings we for each other and about each other.

We would speak about our dreams and wishes as husband and wife. About what we would like to acquire. About how we plan to realise our dreams.

We would speak about siblings and friends and family. About neighbours, acquaintances and community members.

We would  have in-depth discussions about news, topical issues and religious issues.

We would relay funny or fascinating and sometimes shocking stories about our day.

And through these interaction between the two of us, we would get to know the people whom we share our day with, without ever meeting them face to face. We would bring each other into each of our daily lives even when we are not together.

But there were also times of silence due to being absolutely tired after a difficult or gruelling day.

And even in those silent  moments, minutes and hours, we would simply relish and bathe in each others presence that is enveloped in an unspoken, but unmistaken love that is prevalent between us.

A love that does not need words to express feelings, thoughts, wishes,dreams and desires.

A love that lives in both of us and merge us into a single entity only a few experience in their life times.

A love that transcends our physical being, our cognisant consciousness and our emotional being.

Because this love we share does not live in a known space or a visible place.

But rather in that which no one  has access to except for our creator and ourselves.

Our souls…

Intertwined, interweaved, fused, and melted into a single unit that shares what can never be shared, felt, experienced or possessed by another.

For it is ours to cherish.

Ours to appreciate.

Ours alone.

Soul mates….forever.

 

So appreciate every waking and not so awake moment with that one person who shares that special space with you.  It can easily just not be there anymore….

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I did it my way

So it is here.

 The dying breath of 2010 after a long, painful but brave and courageous battle.

But despite all the obstacles it most certainly feels to drawing to a close on a maybe not high but positive note.

 At least where it matters.

Once again love not only survived but also conquered all.

 This year I lost much.

Sacrificed much and had to to make huge paradigm shifts and massively had to adjust my view of what my life should be and would be like looking forward. But above all so much have been gained this year.

Our family grew with an additional wife and mother and our brood grew in the form of a well spoken, eloquent, toothless but absolutely adorable

Waves

Waves crashing onto the shore have a dual purpose.

Or maybe multiple purposes.

Mostly waves rush to shore to deposit unwanted objects.

Other times it creates a rhythmic melody that brings calm and inspiration.

Many times it creates a romantic backdrop for lovers to appreciate and celebrate their affections while creating precious memories.

That is but some of the beauty waves have to offer.

But waves are also unpredictable, moody, violent and even destructive.

In stormy weather waves can

slam a ship to shards,

hack homes into hellish heaps and

melt memories into molten mayhem.

It can wash away a life in am instant and disable another in a flash.

All this while merrily carrying out its designated task. Rolling and swaying too and fro.

And so does life  also occur. Just like the waves.

Sometimes friendly and pleasant. Bringing smiles to faces and memories to keep.

Other times life is stormy, destructive and painful.

Leaving deep painful gashes and splintered fractures on your soul, healing into lasting scars as reminders of the pain, sorrow and hurt once endured.

And just like old fractures who come to haunt you painfully in winter or amputated limbs with its phantom pains, the old hurt comes to haunt you when you least expect it and even less can afford it. Bringing with it feelings of regret, guilt, frustration and anger.

Turning your soul into an angry sea filled with violently self-destructive waves.

And just like the sea, as long as the stormy weather persists, the waves will roll and ravish all in its way until the storm subsides and the waves tires.

And if you are lucky, minimal damage would have been done to the shore. Damage that can be repaired with hopefully minimal lasting effects.

And so is cycle of the sea of life.

One minute calm and beautiful

 

and rough and raging the next…

How do I love thee…no me!

Things are really topsy turvy right now. I feel like my world has been turned on its head. Pulled right from under my feet.

But its not the impact it has on me that is the issue. It is how my lack of substance and stainability of myself, are impacting on others.
I seem to have a very negative impact on those around me. I’m over sensitive and thus view everything and anything as an attack on my being.
And that I guess results in me being unreasonable, unfair and irrational.

So I in an attempt to remedy or salvage the situation, I have one of two options.

Option 1
Totally retract and remove myself in order to not land in possible confrontational situations or encounters
Option 2
Trust and allow those who love you to carry you and trust that they have only good intentions that comes from a place of caring.

But trust is my biggest foe.

The one thing that I have not been able to acquiree in my years of dealing with troubles and pain.

.
I sometimes even question my own intentions. My own character. Very often I would find the words that exit my mouth to sound hollow and insincere. Finding myself in a place to have to convince myself. Lacking the conviction to even trust myself.

I find people liking me, loving me and I cannot help or stop myself from questioning their motives and intentions. Cannot help but wanting to ask what do they really want. Are they sincere? I wonder.
.

I find friends expressing their feelings and affections for me and the passion and sincerity would often shock me.
How can I be love in such a way.
I am not deserving of it.

So bottom line is…

If I cannot see myself, how can i believe what others see.

If I cannot love myself, How can i believe others love me.

 

If I cannot like myself, how can I belive others like me

And…

If I cannot trust myself

 

 how can I ever trust others.