fading…

here alone and lonely

This week have been tough. I went through an uncomfortable amount of  uncomfortable emotions. Stressed about a new dimension of my condition sticking its head out.

Just when I am able to identify the paranoia and irrational thoughts and feelings, a new demon sticks its head out.

VOICES!!

I hear voices!

Not my own voice in my head, but other voices. repeating words over and over again.

Voices form the past having conversations, fortunately not with me but still clear enough for me to hear and understand.

And as much as some will find it funny, it does sit nicely with me.

It is scary, terrifying.

Is this condition progressing; getting worse.

Become a burden on my family

An embarrassment

Will my children eventually loose their mother

My husband loose his wife.

Will the curse of my past eventually  destroy me

Take away the only thing I could salvage,  what was left of me

maybe the idea that I had my husband take another wife for when I no longer can be a wife and mother.

maybe this is just another way Allah is looking out for me by protecting that which is most precious to me.

A future, planning, looking forward…

is not for me

so the best i can do is to live in the moment and make the best of the time I still have.

And even that is perilous and painful.

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2 thoughts on “fading…

  1. Have you a physician who treats you for this? My sisterwife has a similar condition, and takes medication. My daughter also has the same. The fact that you are able to recognize that what you are hearing is not normal is a blessing. You need not be ashamed!! Would you be ashamed if you had diabetes? A heart condition? NO. It is a matter of the health of your body and mind… nothing more, Sister.

    Please… speak about it with your husband and sisterwife. They love you, the care, and they are there to support you. Please.

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