A+ for A-wipe

This week was harrowing, to say the least. Report cards needed to be reprinted due to errors, learners were at an all time rude, rollercoaster resumed and then my phone was stolen.

But was, is indeed the operating word, because as soon as we were all home, everything was well. The love enveloped me and I felt safe and  wanted.

However darkness did loom in the form of little M’s father…(henceforth referred to as A-wipe)

While I was waiting for my eldest son to finish his driving lesson, I visited with my uncle whose place of business is close by. Hubby and Sis came looking for me and Sis and I took Little M out to McD’s. We both felt that he needed a treat after A-wipe failed once again to come fetch M to spend the weekend with A-wipe.  M goes to A-wipe every second weekend. But this weekend A-wipe had his own agenda and took off for the weekend to a holiday destination five hours away. And then in his normal manipulatory fashion he tells little M that he did in fact tell Sis that they are swopping weekend so that M can go to the school’s cycling race on Sunday, but fails to mention that Sis clearly responded in saying no to a swop.

The disappointment on little M’s face when A-wipe told him he wont be coming to fetch him and that he is five hours away, was so painful. M was trying to be so brave and literally begged A-hole to come fetch him and that he can wait five hours.

“I’m sorry my boy. Daddy is so sorry, but daddy won’t be able to come fetch you. I’m too far away” says the a-wipe who is fighting to have his son with him.

Why not take your son, that you see so seldom, with you for the weekend and give him some sense of  family when he is with you. Oh but i forget being a parent, family includes feeding, bathing and caring for a child and there he falls way short. Because according to M there is no fridge, no food, no soap, toothpaste or toothbrush at A-wipe’s house. And then he wants M there all the time. The poor child will also turn into a long haired, black wearing hobo like A-wipe. Thank God for his grandmother who fills in the lack of parenting, hygiene and love that lacks with A-wipe.

On this side of the world, our lives are planned around little M. Outings can only occur when he is with us. Birthday celebrations are arranged around  where he will be on the weekend. Everyone takes responsibility for homework, playtime, bath time and meals. He never goes short of love and caring and is one of the main priorities in our home. Often meals get planned around him and he gets a treat by having his favourite dish cooked. He is the baby in the house and get treated as such together with all the tolerance, privileges and spoiling that goes with being the youngest in the house.

A- wipe can definitely not say the same.

But he should not rest easy. The clock is ticking against him. M are beginning to clearly state his preference and desires. Like telling A-wipe that he cant come fetch him next week as it is his oldest (step) brother;s birthday and he really don’t want to miss it. What could A-wipe say without coming across ass the villain. NOTHING!!!

In your face, A-wipe! 

TICK TOCK…..

fading…

here alone and lonely

This week have been tough. I went through an uncomfortable amount of  uncomfortable emotions. Stressed about a new dimension of my condition sticking its head out.

Just when I am able to identify the paranoia and irrational thoughts and feelings, a new demon sticks its head out.

VOICES!!

I hear voices!

Not my own voice in my head, but other voices. repeating words over and over again.

Voices form the past having conversations, fortunately not with me but still clear enough for me to hear and understand.

And as much as some will find it funny, it does sit nicely with me.

It is scary, terrifying.

Is this condition progressing; getting worse.

Become a burden on my family

An embarrassment

Will my children eventually loose their mother

My husband loose his wife.

Will the curse of my past eventually  destroy me

Take away the only thing I could salvage,  what was left of me

maybe the idea that I had my husband take another wife for when I no longer can be a wife and mother.

maybe this is just another way Allah is looking out for me by protecting that which is most precious to me.

A future, planning, looking forward…

is not for me

so the best i can do is to live in the moment and make the best of the time I still have.

And even that is perilous and painful.

Relativity

twin-flame-soulmates

What is of value to someone, differs from persons to person. And so does what is valuable.

What one person regards as a means to and end, could be regarded by another as a gift.

Such was my experience for the past six years until it abruptly came to and end when I stopped working in the same place and at the same employer as my husband did.

And when I reflect on those times gone by, I realise that so often I took those very minutes and hours for granted. How often it was laden  with tension and anger and only in retrospect do I realise how precious moments were wasted on irrelevant, unnecessary  and non-sensical issues.

So special were those moments.

for those were the times we discussed our lives together.

Our children and agreed upon discipline measures; future plans and dreams we have for them.

Where we planned birthday gifts and parties. Where we celebrated their achievements and relished our feelings of pride.

We would speak about our relationship, the feelings we for each other and about each other.

We would speak about our dreams and wishes as husband and wife. About what we would like to acquire. About how we plan to realise our dreams.

We would speak about siblings and friends and family. About neighbours, acquaintances and community members.

We would  have in-depth discussions about news, topical issues and religious issues.

We would relay funny or fascinating and sometimes shocking stories about our day.

And through these interaction between the two of us, we would get to know the people whom we share our day with, without ever meeting them face to face. We would bring each other into each of our daily lives even when we are not together.

But there were also times of silence due to being absolutely tired after a difficult or gruelling day.

And even in those silent  moments, minutes and hours, we would simply relish and bathe in each others presence that is enveloped in an unspoken, but unmistaken love that is prevalent between us.

A love that does not need words to express feelings, thoughts, wishes,dreams and desires.

A love that lives in both of us and merge us into a single entity only a few experience in their life times.

A love that transcends our physical being, our cognisant consciousness and our emotional being.

Because this love we share does not live in a known space or a visible place.

But rather in that which no one  has access to except for our creator and ourselves.

Our souls…

Intertwined, interweaved, fused, and melted into a single unit that shares what can never be shared, felt, experienced or possessed by another.

For it is ours to cherish.

Ours to appreciate.

Ours alone.

Soul mates….forever.

 

So appreciate every waking and not so awake moment with that one person who shares that special space with you.  It can easily just not be there anymore….

On days like This

Today was one of those strange days. One of those days when I feel completely quiet inside, but not numb.

When i feel gentle and peaceful. Vulnerable and  fragile. Yet restless at the same time.

And this lull that is radiating from the pit of my stomach meanders on an endless and mindless path back and forth between my mind and heart.

On days like this silence is my best friend yet loneliness forces unwanted company.

So in a nutshell I have not been able to, in all of these years,  understand or define this strange feeling.

What hand long been apparent however, is that this undefined feeling  brings structure to my internal chaos, inspire my creativity and cultivates my productivity.

But all of the above feelings. thoughts and observations are dwarfed by something much more intense.

On days like this I feel like crawling under my husbands skin and resting my head under his heart.

On days like this I feel a closeness to him unlike anything I can describe in words.

On days like this I miss my darling so much, that it hurts.

On days like this I realise…

I am blessed.

inner-peace

Dangerous Waters

Every now and then we move into a negative space and suddenly all we focus on on is the little things we normally are able to ignore and tolerate. only now they have exploded from tiny dewdrops to destructive monsoons.

And if you are not careful, you might be swept away by the storm floods and end up as debris all damaged and broken up.

So don’t get smashed by that irrational tsunami and swept away by the emotional monsoon.

Rather flee for higher ground and wait for the storm to pass

higher ground

Tend your own Garden

We all would like our lives to be our own.

Our own to have

Our own to keep

To decide on

To control

To have the last say.

And in a perfect world it probably would be the case.

But…

Our world is anything but perfect.

Often it is not what we hoped for

Different from what we expected

Far from what we wished for

Nothing we are willing to accept.

 

Life is unpredictable, unscripted, unfeeling.

So lesson to be learned…

Every time you embark on a new leg of the journey of life.

Go forth without expectations.

Don’t want what others have

Don’t wish for what others enjoy

Don’t expect what others receive

Don’t compare your  finds with that of others

You might just miss the bounties right  under your nose

 

For life is not a competition, a race or  game

It is a journey

And each persons journey is unique, individual and custom made.

 

So admire the green grass on the other side of the stream

But be patient with yours

You might wish for luscious lawns like your neighbour and completely miss the pretty flowers among your weeds

Patience is key

just as it took time for the next person’s twigs to grow green

So will your your twigs grow into luscious lawn and if you are lucky

even have a few scattered flowers.

desert_flower

Enjoy your own garden…..

recipe for disaster

My world is a place of highs and lows. Ups and downs. Smiles and  frowns.  Joy and  sadness. Laughter and tears.

My world is a place of confidence and self-doubt. Faith and doubt. Control and chaos.

Life and a desire for not living.

And all of the above can easily exists concurrently  in the same space of time.

Add to to the above a splash of paranoia and a pinch of melancholy.

And what you have is a recipe for disaster.

That could cause a lot of pain, discomfort, tears and arguments.

And instead of getting the support and comfort of those close to you, you end up alienating them as they withdraw as a means to avoid confrontation and conflict and to preserve themselves.

So every time my world fluxes,it topples and falls into impending disaster that is only avoided

by those who cares about me putting themselves into the line of fire.

Sad smile