Being a mom

So much have changed. So much are missed.
I miss our quiet morning drive to work. Our chatty afternoons returning home. And sometimes afternoons would be also be quiet and tired. I miss our impromptu stops for coffee or icecream or supper. Visiting special places only known to us. I miss the unspoken words as you lay my hand on your thigh establishing a silent yet solid connection of two lovers bound in every way. I miss your comforting eyes after a difficult day. Your warm smile as I relate silly anecdotes of the day that passed. Sharing the good, the great and sometimes the not so great.
Making every early morning, every cumbersome day and every late evening bearable and often a undisclosed space where only the two of us exist. For six years. That was our mornings and our evenings.

Now it has abruptly stopped. No more morning chats or silences. No more afternoon sharing or a shoulder for me to sleep on after a long day.
No more resting my head on your lap as your body and presence drain all unpleasant remnants of the day gently away.

I miss your kiss goodbye and your kiss hello.

I miss the excitement of waiting for you and feeling my heart jump when I see you coming.

I miss.
I miss.
I miss.

But every cloud has a silver lining.
I now get to spend so much time with my brood.
My baby girl are chatting to me, lounging around with me or making jewellery with me. I am finally reconnecting with my baby.
And the boys cannot believe their luck to get cooked lunches and have me around all the time. Sometimes we chat about what interest them, sometimes topical issues or the news or sometimes I just sit watching them play games. Generally just enjoying a shared space wit the three most important people in my life.

Then next week a whole new journey will start. My sweetie will be goin to school for the first time. .(my sister-wife,s son) and for the first time in six years my children will be coming home to me from school.
I realise only now how much I have missed. My baby girl literally grew up in absence.
So now I accept the gift Allah has awarded me and I am thankful that I get to do for all four of our brood. I get a second chance at redoing what I missed and did wrong.

Thank you Allah.

Love, Life & Everything Else

What keeps you up till four am in the morning thinking,thinking,thinking,
Life,love and everything else.
What drives you to that sigarette right after you said I QUIT,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you reply to that sms at the speed of light just after you screemed :”I HATE YOU”,
Llfe,love and everything else.
What makes you eat that chocolate cake when youre hips are begging you to be treated better,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you give that two rand to the car guard when your wallet is already empty,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you smile and nod to a stranger when inside you are in pieces,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you get up and try one more time knowing you might fail again,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you take risks and make a total fool of yourself,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you pour out youre heart to that specail person knowing they might not feel the same,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you let someone in to see that side of you that no one does or ever will,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you stick up for your friend knowing they have wronged,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you take the road less traveled thinking:”IM GOING TO REGRET THIS”,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you express youre emotions on facebook hoping that there is just one other person who feels the same,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you feel so alone when there is a million sinscere hearts out there to comfort you,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you grab a hairbrush singing from the top of youre lungs dreaming of being a rockstar,
Life,love and everything else.
What makes you say yes when deep down you just dont have the courage to say no,
Life,love and everything else.
And what gives you the courage to take on a brand new day with new found hope a good nigths rest has brought you,
Nasiba Sahabodien

Next chapter

This post I wrote probably a year ago….. its is time to out how I feel.


So now its here. They finally planning a baby or rather WE are planning a baby. Yes, WE. For the plan is that I am fully and completely involved and included. And yes I am excited, impatient and scared all at the same time. Feeling very much the same I did when I was expecting my three precious children.
But at the same time…
I have this silent lull in the pit of my stomach. A deep sadness and emptiness driven by an intense desire to also be the one carrying,nurturing and delivering a precious package into our home, our lives.
Never have I mourned the loss of my womb as I do at this very moment. The longng is so real that the emptines it leaves echoes like an empty cave.
I should not be feeling this way. I have done well. I brought three beautiful children into this world who has grown into well mannered, well balanced and yes, a little lazy, teenagers. And I love them deeply.
Yet the sense of loss and apprehension remains.
I have nothing but to trust in my creator and the two people closest to me.
So now we wait and see if we will be trusted with the responsibility and blessing of a new breath to this world.