Waves

Waves crashing onto the shore have a dual purpose.

Or maybe multiple purposes.

Mostly waves rush to shore to deposit unwanted objects.

Other times it creates a rhythmic melody that brings calm and inspiration.

Many times it creates a romantic backdrop for lovers to appreciate and celebrate their affections while creating precious memories.

That is but some of the beauty waves have to offer.

But waves are also unpredictable, moody, violent and even destructive.

In stormy weather waves can

slam a ship to shards,

hack homes into hellish heaps and

melt memories into molten mayhem.

It can wash away a life in am instant and disable another in a flash.

All this while merrily carrying out its designated task. Rolling and swaying too and fro.

And so does life  also occur. Just like the waves.

Sometimes friendly and pleasant. Bringing smiles to faces and memories to keep.

Other times life is stormy, destructive and painful.

Leaving deep painful gashes and splintered fractures on your soul, healing into lasting scars as reminders of the pain, sorrow and hurt once endured.

And just like old fractures who come to haunt you painfully in winter or amputated limbs with its phantom pains, the old hurt comes to haunt you when you least expect it and even less can afford it. Bringing with it feelings of regret, guilt, frustration and anger.

Turning your soul into an angry sea filled with violently self-destructive waves.

And just like the sea, as long as the stormy weather persists, the waves will roll and ravish all in its way until the storm subsides and the waves tires.

And if you are lucky, minimal damage would have been done to the shore. Damage that can be repaired with hopefully minimal lasting effects.

And so is cycle of the sea of life.

One minute calm and beautiful

 

and rough and raging the next…

Stifle, smother, suffocate.

Stifled, smothered, suffocating Thats how I feel.
By my thoughts.
By my feelings.
By my body.
By those around me.
Thinking they know what I need. How I feel. What I feel. What I should do. How could they possibly know.
They don’t walk in my shoes.
They dont feel my heart beating erratically out of fear for the future. The rest of my life.
They dont hear the screaming in my head. The pressure that makes my head feel like it will explode. They dont feel the constant, sinking weight in the pit of my stomach. They dont feel the constant tremors that plaques my body.
They don’t feel the dryness in my mouth and throat as the cold hand of irrational fear grips and crushes my already aching heart.
They dont know how the lonely monster grins and grimace when the time comes. Again the future seem fearful and scary.
Soon my children will leave the nest and it will be only me with no distraction. Just a burden and a bother.
Too much change this year. Please God. No more curve balls. No more suprises. No more challenges. No more new. Nothing new. I cant anymore. Dont want to anymore. Because this is my lonely journey. Mine to travel.
No one
Knows what I need.
What I should do.
How I should act.
What I am going through.
What is going through my mind.
How I feel.
ONLY I DO…

Rollercoaster

 

For years we have been on is this rollercoaster. This way, that way, up then down, good then bad. A very tiresome life indeed.

 

And through all this time love was the constant. Didn’t matter what life or rather me, dished up, love made you hold on. Love made you have faith. Love made you support. Love made you believe and Love made you forgive.

 

 

But I also love. I also love much and deeply.

So when you hurt, I hurt.

 And I am the one inflicting or causing the pain (directly or indirectly).

 

I then in turn I hurt and overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and despair. The pain I see in your eyes stabs through me like the edge of a serrated knife tearing through the flesh of my heart.

And I have tried over time to not be the antagonist but seem to easily revert to that side of me as soon as I am with my back against the wall. Fearing what will happen this time. how will I mess up this time. Who will I hurt this time.

So tired of my own unkept promises.

So tired of dissappointing myself.

I am tired of breaking myself down.

So tired of feeling pain.

So tired of causing pain.

So tired of feeling like I can finally be happy.

But mostly,

Iam tired of seeing pain in your eyes

Unhappiness n your eyes.

I’m sorry…

But even those words must sound so hollow by now…