Flipping a Switch

Focus is a funny thing. If maintained correctly it can be very effective. If not, it could lead to great losses and errors that could bring regret, pain or sometimes sorrow.

So focus is critical!!!

 

But what if your focus and mindset has to change minute to hour to day to  night. What if it has  to be divided between two very different focal points. How do you manage that.

In a polygamous marriage  the primary focus ( in my personal experience of course) is time. Time spent, time lost, time missed, time wanted, time fairness. But that is only from the perspective of the wives. They want their piece of pie. After all it is not even a whole pie but part there of and one really do not want to still lose of the fraction that already have to settle for.

But what about the husband, who has to bounce around like a ping-pong ball and is passed around like a cold cup of coffee by students on a really broke day.

His life is dictated by a schedule decided mostly by the wives whose primary consideration is how the schedule impacts on them in terms of being with the husband, being alone and/or  benefitting maximum from the time spent with the husband. For example; weekends become a biggie as it bring mornings of lying in with hubby and thus getting a bit more time and hoping that it would be quality time spent.

How much time is spent in considering how the whole schedule is set up and how it affects him. Does he get any quality time out of the interactions with his wives. Where does his needs feature. Or should he just settle with the idea that he is nothing but shared property of the wives passed around and borrowed out like that pair of stilettos communally owned by his wives.

Somehow, being one of these wives and loving this man deeply, these thoughts saddens me.

Simply because I know him. He loves sincerely. Those he loves, is loved because of who they are and what they mean to him. Not because of what he can get from them. Not because of what they can do for him, have to offer, or how he can benefit from them. But simply because he LOVES them. And more importantly his love is primarily motivated by making and keeping those he loves happy, content and smiling. And he would go to the end of the world to ensure that those he love are indeed happy, content and smiling.

But again the question arises; Where does HE get his happiness, contentment and smiles from? I see his struggles and I see the pain in his eyes. I see the hopelessness and desperation that is weighing him down. And worst of all I see his tears.

Quality of life does not exist for him. He has to flip and toggle  like switch between his wives. Switching on and off from one night to the next. Remembering who asked what. Who needs what. Who said what. Where he leaves his shoes. Where he goes to relax and how will it impact on whoever’s room is chosen for relaxation or is not chosen. being torn between seeing both wives in need of support and not knowing which way as there will always be someone left behind.

WHAT? WHERE? WHEN? WHY? WHO? HOW?

PULLING!  TUGGING!  JERKING!! YANKING!!

That seem to be the life of a polygamous husband. But can that really be called a life?

Polygamy is all about justice and fairness, but where is the justice and fairness for this wonderful man who loves and gives without asking anything in return.

So wives heed this…

Try to give your husband a life…

After all he deserves to have one!!!!!

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Wife and sister

She is a really special entity

She brings calm

 She brings love  

She brings safety

She is able to take away the darkness

She can take away the pain

She brings laughter

She brings smiles

She brings joy

She brings happiness

She brings contentment…

She brings pride

She brings gratitude

She brings faith

She brings comfort

She brings warmth

She brings appreciation

She brings reason

She brings rhyme

She brings compassion and understanding

She brings appreciation

She brings enjoyment

She brings fun and silliness

She brings enjoyment

She brings beauty

She brings care

She brings honesty

She brings purity

She brings love

She brings perfection

 She gives affection

She takes away loneliness

She takes away sadness

She takes away discomfort

She takes away regret

She takes away losses

She adds

She multiply

 She escalates

 She amplifies

 She develops

She grows

She nurtures

She encourages

She inspires

She motivates

She believes

She shares

She gives

She never takes

She is a friendship

She is a sister

She is a partner

She is a shopping buddy

Lucky in love

From the time you are born, you have this primal need to be love, to feel loved and to give love. Your entire being yearn for affection toward you. As children our source of love is very much driven any physical offering provided. If you are fed, clothed, bathed and kept safe it may create the illusion that you are loved. Even just being liked can be easily misinterpreted as love. And unfortunately this delusion of love then more often become a permanent chaperone on your life journey creating a great desire to please and becoming a perfect candidate for abuse and misuse. Because it is simple, in order to please, you have to sacrifice and the easiest commodity to sacrifice is yourself.

But all is not lost. Every now and then life deals you a good hand. You meet someone that does not need you to self sacrifice. That does not need to be pleased all the time. That wants to give rather than receive. Someone that would cool the sun and catch the moon for you. Someone to whom you are the priority. Someone who loves you without expectation. And you realise how blessed you be to be loved like that
And just when you think you have found the ultimate person to love, you are surprised by an additional love entering your life and loving with almost the same abandon. Making you more than just priviledged. More than just chosen. More than just lucky. It makes you special. Special to loved for who you are and not what you have no offer.

I am loved like that.
I am special.

I’m a children too…

Childhood is a very brief  leg of the journey of life.

And although it does come to end,  the child inside us does not cease to exist. We still miss many aspects of childhood that we yearn for. Some of us miss the innocence and carefree existence that childhood offers. But there is another childhood treasure that we do not only wish for but very often need as much as we need the air we breath.

We need to be nurtured and nursed when we re not feeling well. Be it emotionally or physically.

For emotional discomfort we often just need to know that we are loved and that someone cares and the odd hug could also bring comfort.
But when we ill, a whole different need arises. The need for nurture is then replaced with the need to be nursed… Just like we needed when we were little.
As a baby your mother’s arms offered safety, sanctity  and the promise that things you will be all better tomorrow and all will be well. Creating a trust and dependency on what a mother has to offer to that  little child.
And as you grow into a toddler, the arms of the mother becomes slightly less healing and the promise then becomes “a mothers touch can heal every scrape”. Her kiss can take all your tears away and she possesses powerful knowledge that could fix your world in a blink of an eye. As long as mom is there, present and within a hugs reach.

You then develop  into a preteen and then a teenager. Now the difficult task – deeming your mother as the most uncool being to walk the face of the earth despite what you really feel. Because that is what is expected in the world teenagedom. But all the same she is still the only one to fix the flu. heal the headache and mix the meds that will help nurse you back to health.

Then we move on and become adults, get careers, get married. And still when things go awry, your instincts point toward your mother as a source of salvation and solace. But very often your mother is not within reach as you have embarked on a new life journey, probably with a life partner.

So now what to do? Mom is not near. Solution. If you’re lucky, your life partner will be able to fulfill that role of the persona to nurse and nurture you back to health. Only now reciprocation is necessary as both parties may yearn for it at different times.

Bottom line…

We remain in need of a mothers touch from the cradle to the grave. Whether it is from your own mother or any other person you care for and cares for you.

So mothers,  nurse and nurture  your children for as long as you can, especially when they are sick. Irrespective of  their age. Make them the priority, above your husband, above yourself.

Fathers, nurse and nurture  your children for as long as you can, especially when they are sick. Irrespective of their age. Make them the priority, above your wife, above your parents, above yourself.

Husbands, nurse and nurture  your children and your wife especially when they are sick.  Make them the priority, above yourself.

Wives, nurse and nurture  your children and your husband, especially when they are sick.  Make them the priority,above yourself.

Because deep down we are all still children needing a mommy to take the pain away and make our world better!

Thank you to all mommys, daddys, wives and husbands who does nurse and nurture their loved ones.