Things are really topsy turvy right now. I feel like my world has been turned on its head. Pulled right from under my feet.
But its not the impact it has on me that is the issue. It is how my lack of substance and stainability of myself, are impacting on others.
I seem to have a very negative impact on those around me. I’m over sensitive and thus view everything and anything as an attack on my being.
And that I guess results in me being unreasonable, unfair and irrational.
So I in an attempt to remedy or salvage the situation, I have one of two options.
Totally retract and remove myself in order to not land in possible confrontational situations or encounters
Trust and allow those who love you to carry you and trust that they have only good intentions that comes from a place of caring.
But trust is my biggest foe.
The one thing that I have not been able to acquiree in my years of dealing with troubles and pain.
I sometimes even question my own intentions. My own character. Very often I would find the words that exit my mouth to sound hollow and insincere. Finding myself in a place to have to convince myself. Lacking the conviction to even trust myself.
I find people liking me, loving me and I cannot help or stop myself from questioning their motives and intentions. Cannot help but wanting to ask what do they really want. Are they sincere? I wonder.
I find friends expressing their feelings and affections for me and the passion and sincerity would often shock me.
How can I be love in such a way.
I am not deserving of it.
So bottom line is…
If I cannot see myself, how can i believe what others see.
If I cannot love myself, How can i believe others love me.
If I cannot like myself, how can I belive others like me
If I cannot trust myself
how can I ever trust others.