Conflict is my new friend. It is constant pushing, tugging and pulling. An internal battle of wills; a battle between going back, being stagnant or moving forward. Bringing questions of why? Why now? Why not? Why still? What next? and how?
Why does it feel like everything is crashing. Drowning in layers of discomfort and uncertainty. Smothered by constant dosages of pain and tears. Unwanted and inopportune.
Feelings of desperation sets in. Old buried feelings that instill real fear. Current and intense.
Fear of the desires that are rearing their ugly heads at a time when there should be no need and space for them. A time that should hold only promise, with no accomodation for pain, fear, hurt, tears and uncertainty.
But slowly they have been resurfacing. First just ever so slightly and subtly. Increasing almost unnoticably, stealthilly like spies on a covert but deadly mission. Deadly with far reaching repercussions.
And now a full onslaught have been launched. With no intention of taking prisoners. Only total annihilation will be accepted.
Is this a battle worth fighting, I ask? Or is it futile. Am I a worthy adversary for this raging war that has unwillingly awakened from its slumber? Is taking a stand delusional? Do I stand a chance against this slumbering dragon who too often lifts its head to spew flames of despair on my life. Is it worth fighting? Do I even have a hope of victory?
I have a been at this my entire life. With little vacations in between. Vacations that would not only allow time to regroup, but also time in which a false sense of victory are created, nourished and nurtured.
But this time the dark force is striking with a greater vengeance than ever before. It has blood thirsty need for pain, hurt, sorrow and tears. Like it wants to drain your very life essence. Until what is left is nothing but an empty, useless,worthless shell. Devoid of substance, beauty, laughter, pleasure and joy. All that will remain is
I do not want to be nothing.