The slumbering dragon arises once more

Conflict is my new friend. It is constant pushing, tugging and pulling. An internal battle of wills; a battle between going back, being stagnant or moving forward. Bringing questions of why? Why now? Why not? Why still? What next? and how?
Why does it feel like everything is crashing. Drowning in layers of discomfort and uncertainty. Smothered by constant dosages of pain and tears. Unwanted and inopportune.
Feelings of desperation sets in. Old buried feelings that instill real fear. Current and intense.
Fear of the desires that are rearing their ugly heads at a time when there should be no need and space for them. A time that should hold only promise, with no accomodation for pain, fear, hurt, tears and uncertainty.
But slowly they have been resurfacing. First just ever so slightly and subtly. Increasing almost unnoticably, stealthilly like spies on a covert but deadly mission. Deadly with far reaching repercussions.
And now a full onslaught have been launched. With no intention of taking prisoners. Only total annihilation will be accepted.
Is this a battle worth fighting, I ask? Or is it futile. Am I a worthy adversary for this raging war that has unwillingly awakened from its slumber? Is taking a stand delusional? Do I stand a chance against this slumbering dragon who too often lifts its head to spew flames of despair on my life. Is it worth fighting? Do I even have a hope of victory?

I have a been at this my entire life. With little vacations in between. Vacations that would not only allow time to regroup, but also time in which a false sense of victory are created, nourished and nurtured.

But this time the dark force is striking with a greater vengeance than ever before. It has blood thirsty need for pain, hurt, sorrow and tears. Like it wants to drain your very life essence. Until what is left is nothing but an empty, useless,worthless shell. Devoid of substance, beauty, laughter, pleasure and joy. All that will remain is

I do not want to be nothing.

4 thoughts on “The slumbering dragon arises once more

  1. Sisterwoman, you are not alone. I know it’s not easy. I’ve been there, where you are, but I’ve gone through the horror of the fire, come out the other side and never gone back. Don’t give your power away. Stop being your own worst enemy. You hurt yourself to beat them to it even when they have no such intentions, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    I wish I were there, across the world in another time and place, to put the universality to your experience, and show you it can be done.

    Some thoughts for you…

    “Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, ‘forget it,’ or ‘it will pass,’ or ‘it could be worse’ — all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, ‘It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process.'”

    ~ Peter Koestenbaum

    “One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon – instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today.”

    ~ -Dale Carnegie

    “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

    ~ Melody Beattie

    Blessings to you across the sea. I hope you can feel my hugs.

  2. Wise words from WiccamWoman. I fully agree. There is much wisdom, I especially like “Don’t give your power away. Stop being your own worst enemy. You hurt yourself to beat them to it even when they have no such intentions, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. “

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