Spontaneous, Impromptu, Romance and Schedules

 Marriage always use to be difficult. Filled with lots of anger, pain and discontent. All stemming from past trauma and hurt. 

But in between there was always those special moments, romantic moments, sweet moments, passionate moments and naughty moments. Then there were moments of being ravaged, taken and conquered. And that is what made us survive the past 17 plus years. Our absolute love, attraction, dedication and desire for each other. A desire that had no bounds and no constraints. Being together and wanting to be together was always primary. And it was all so exciting and sweet. All at the same time.
 

But polygamy brings its own set of rules. Rules of sharing, planning, timing and scheduling. How I hate the damn schedule. It completely takes the fun, spontaneity and impulsivity away. Playfulness, teasing, flirting is still there but the schedule does not accommodate for it. Unless the play and the schedule is in synch. Which ultimately means play has to be scheduled too. So another schedule to support the first schedule.
 
 
 
The same goes for romance too. A late cup of tea together in the lounge after everyone has retired to their own spaces. Sitting on the stoep after morning prayers before the sun even blinked to the new day. A simple errand to go buy bread and milk evolving into a drive in the countryside or a takeaway coffee from a local drive-thru eaterie. The everyday and mundane now have become contentious issues of fairness equality and justice, sucking the spontaneity right out of it. Resulting in rather not doing it at all as it only complicates life… and love. Unexpected flowers are not as special as they were as it not done for you alone and there is no way to know whether you were the primary or secondary thought invoking the gesture.  Everything is shared and nothing is sacred, special, exclusive.
 
 
 
The greatest blessing however is that the not only has the love remained constant, it has also have increased tenfold. So I guess gratitude is appropriate and it eases the losses incurred. 

    

 
My 18th anniversary is coming up and already I have anxiety about it. Before it use to always be a time for just the two of us. Now it affects another. So my general feeling is ” just don’t do anything”, ” Keep it low-key”. It safer that way,then no one will get hurt or left behind and no expectations and pressure will be created.
 
 
But every cloud has a silver lining. We loving more, deeper, more sincerely, more honestly  with a greater appreciation of so many things we always took for granted.
  
  
  

BUT…. 

 I DO miss the spontaneity and impulsivity though,

  

Because now we have to

Our first Eid together

Eid was never something I looked  forward to. It always filled me with dread and sadness. Mainly because it of the complications of not being able to see my family or choosing not to see them. But that is a story for another time.

Back to the here and now.

So I had the normal anxiety. Only this time I ascribed it to our changed marriage situation. My husband reminded me that for as long as we have been married Eid has been a prickly pear for me and I would have feelings of anxiety and discomfort; And as much as I accepted and realised that it was indeed the case, the feelings did not really subside. So there was some discontent and discomfort, but my husband and sister-wife stayed by my side and until the discomfort and pain subsided and I was then ready to start this very special day.

 

Anyway so I was fortunate enough to wake up next to my husband as it was my night with him because that really caused me some discontent as I have never woken up to Eid morning alone in 18 years. But Allah knows our hearts, our fears and gives us what we need and deserve. Alghamdulillah!

My sister-wife and I cooked together for our family. And it was beautiful. ( and really awesome having an extra pair of hands in the kitchen, lol). My act of love of cooking for my family have now become an act of love with both me and my sister-wife cooking for our family.

  

For the first time Eid actually held joy and excitement.

 For the first time I actually made the effort to dress up and not hide in my room the entire day.

For the first time I did not have anxiety about the day of Eid.

 

 

From there onward the day just went from good, to great to fantastically fabulous!!! We had great friends over for lunch which ran into tea-time, supper and a late desert. Never leaving the table, never leaving the joy, never leaving the laughter.

 

  

In addition new friends were made and new connections were forged while old ones were reestablished and reaffirmed. Not even cultural and foreign boundaries could withstand the power of love of Eid Fitr 2010 as it launched its onslaught on all the festering negativity and pain that has plagued me and those near to me.

 

 

I could have written a minute by minute account of Eid day as there was so many joyous and funny occurrences but I choose to pen only the core emotions and essences of the day because that is what I want to remember and treasure for eternity!!!

Thank you to all who contributed and made the day special. I salute you…