Spontaneous, Impromptu, Romance and Schedules

 Marriage always use to be difficult. Filled with lots of anger, pain and discontent. All stemming from past trauma and hurt. 

But in between there was always those special moments, romantic moments, sweet moments, passionate moments and naughty moments. Then there were moments of being ravaged, taken and conquered. And that is what made us survive the past 17 plus years. Our absolute love, attraction, dedication and desire for each other. A desire that had no bounds and no constraints. Being together and wanting to be together was always primary. And it was all so exciting and sweet. All at the same time.
 

But polygamy brings its own set of rules. Rules of sharing, planning, timing and scheduling. How I hate the damn schedule. It completely takes the fun, spontaneity and impulsivity away. Playfulness, teasing, flirting is still there but the schedule does not accommodate for it. Unless the play and the schedule is in synch. Which ultimately means play has to be scheduled too. So another schedule to support the first schedule.
 
 
 
The same goes for romance too. A late cup of tea together in the lounge after everyone has retired to their own spaces. Sitting on the stoep after morning prayers before the sun even blinked to the new day. A simple errand to go buy bread and milk evolving into a drive in the countryside or a takeaway coffee from a local drive-thru eaterie. The everyday and mundane now have become contentious issues of fairness equality and justice, sucking the spontaneity right out of it. Resulting in rather not doing it at all as it only complicates life… and love. Unexpected flowers are not as special as they were as it not done for you alone and there is no way to know whether you were the primary or secondary thought invoking the gesture.  Everything is shared and nothing is sacred, special, exclusive.
 
 
 
The greatest blessing however is that the not only has the love remained constant, it has also have increased tenfold. So I guess gratitude is appropriate and it eases the losses incurred. 

    

 
My 18th anniversary is coming up and already I have anxiety about it. Before it use to always be a time for just the two of us. Now it affects another. So my general feeling is ” just don’t do anything”, ” Keep it low-key”. It safer that way,then no one will get hurt or left behind and no expectations and pressure will be created.
 
 
But every cloud has a silver lining. We loving more, deeper, more sincerely, more honestly  with a greater appreciation of so many things we always took for granted.
  
  
  

BUT…. 

 I DO miss the spontaneity and impulsivity though,

  

Because now we have to

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Our first Eid together

Eid was never something I looked  forward to. It always filled me with dread and sadness. Mainly because it of the complications of not being able to see my family or choosing not to see them. But that is a story for another time.

Back to the here and now.

So I had the normal anxiety. Only this time I ascribed it to our changed marriage situation. My husband reminded me that for as long as we have been married Eid has been a prickly pear for me and I would have feelings of anxiety and discomfort; And as much as I accepted and realised that it was indeed the case, the feelings did not really subside. So there was some discontent and discomfort, but my husband and sister-wife stayed by my side and until the discomfort and pain subsided and I was then ready to start this very special day.

 

Anyway so I was fortunate enough to wake up next to my husband as it was my night with him because that really caused me some discontent as I have never woken up to Eid morning alone in 18 years. But Allah knows our hearts, our fears and gives us what we need and deserve. Alghamdulillah!

My sister-wife and I cooked together for our family. And it was beautiful. ( and really awesome having an extra pair of hands in the kitchen, lol). My act of love of cooking for my family have now become an act of love with both me and my sister-wife cooking for our family.

  

For the first time Eid actually held joy and excitement.

 For the first time I actually made the effort to dress up and not hide in my room the entire day.

For the first time I did not have anxiety about the day of Eid.

 

 

From there onward the day just went from good, to great to fantastically fabulous!!! We had great friends over for lunch which ran into tea-time, supper and a late desert. Never leaving the table, never leaving the joy, never leaving the laughter.

 

  

In addition new friends were made and new connections were forged while old ones were reestablished and reaffirmed. Not even cultural and foreign boundaries could withstand the power of love of Eid Fitr 2010 as it launched its onslaught on all the festering negativity and pain that has plagued me and those near to me.

 

 

I could have written a minute by minute account of Eid day as there was so many joyous and funny occurrences but I choose to pen only the core emotions and essences of the day because that is what I want to remember and treasure for eternity!!!

Thank you to all who contributed and made the day special. I salute you…

A time for guilt

 Time is precious. Something we should value and appreciate and never take for granted. So be grateful for the time you spend with loved ones, because you could loose them at any time.

Today a very dear friend of mine lost her mother and she was fortunate enough to have done much for her mother before her mother’s passing. Thus she has no guilt and no regrets.

 Her siblings are not as fortunate, they will live, hopefully if the feel at an inkling for their departed mother and surviving father, guilt ridden and ful of regrets for many a day to come.

Despite them living minutes from her parents she would be the one to come all the way from another continent to come do for and be there do both her mother and father.
So now she is the one being able to be together and be the one to do and manage all that need to be done.

Guilt can be debilitating and no guilt liberating.

 

So u can choose long before loosing those precious to you, whether it is to death or simply to another life, whether you want to feel debilitated or liberated.

Typically untypical!

When you get married the husband has to provide the for his new wife with what she is accustomed to. And when you take a second wife the same rule applies. But what does that really mean. Or more so what does it mean to be fair and just. Is just and fair synonyms to each other. Is it a tit for tat situation. Is it a situation of she get, I get or vice versa. Or it it a case of maintaining the status quo.

Before my husband would fulfill all my needs. I seldom had ask. If i needed something, I could simply go and buy it permitting the money was available. Now I see his hesitance. -‘What about her? What should I get her?’ We were out alone once and went away for one night in the last six months. My husband use to be romantic now even that has diminished. So many things that is prevelent in a typical relationship just is not present. Maybe because this is not a typical relationship. Anything but typical. Our relationship is unlike any other. It is not only special and uncommon but it is intense, loyal, sincere and more importantly, it involves and evolves around not one but three people. Three people in four different relationships. Four? Yes four! There is me and him, him and her, she and me and then there is the three of us. Like I said, not typical at all.
Yet in this untypical relationship we expect our husband to act in a typical manner. Offering typical gestures and doing typical things.
It is typical to want o be with your wife, but it is not typical to not have that option or choice because you are scheduled to be with the other. It is typical to want to ask your wife to drive with to the shops, but not typical to have to decide which one to ask. It is typical to want to take your wife away for a weekend, but it is not typical to be faced with the fact that the other one will be left behind. It typical to want to take your wife out for a romantic dinner. What is not typical is to choose which one to take first and which one to leave for next time. So typical? I think not.

So is it then fair to have typical expectations. To want what is in a typical relationship. To desire and want that which is typical. Or should we rather write a new chapter with new expectations, needs, wants and desires. And then rather relish in the uncommon and untypical. And allow our husband to be untypical and wonderful in his way with both of us by his side most of the time and as often as he wants. Because he is not your average, typical husband and should be allowed to be and act untypical in his untypical marriage with his untypical wives. Here’s to being uncommon and…
Untypical

How do I love thee…no me!

Things are really topsy turvy right now. I feel like my world has been turned on its head. Pulled right from under my feet.

But its not the impact it has on me that is the issue. It is how my lack of substance and stainability of myself, are impacting on others.
I seem to have a very negative impact on those around me. I’m over sensitive and thus view everything and anything as an attack on my being.
And that I guess results in me being unreasonable, unfair and irrational.

So I in an attempt to remedy or salvage the situation, I have one of two options.

Option 1
Totally retract and remove myself in order to not land in possible confrontational situations or encounters
Option 2
Trust and allow those who love you to carry you and trust that they have only good intentions that comes from a place of caring.

But trust is my biggest foe.

The one thing that I have not been able to acquiree in my years of dealing with troubles and pain.

.
I sometimes even question my own intentions. My own character. Very often I would find the words that exit my mouth to sound hollow and insincere. Finding myself in a place to have to convince myself. Lacking the conviction to even trust myself.

I find people liking me, loving me and I cannot help or stop myself from questioning their motives and intentions. Cannot help but wanting to ask what do they really want. Are they sincere? I wonder.
.

I find friends expressing their feelings and affections for me and the passion and sincerity would often shock me.
How can I be love in such a way.
I am not deserving of it.

So bottom line is…

If I cannot see myself, how can i believe what others see.

If I cannot love myself, How can i believe others love me.

 

If I cannot like myself, how can I belive others like me

And…

If I cannot trust myself

 

 how can I ever trust others.

The slumbering dragon arises once more

Conflict is my new friend. It is constant pushing, tugging and pulling. An internal battle of wills; a battle between going back, being stagnant or moving forward. Bringing questions of why? Why now? Why not? Why still? What next? and how?
Why does it feel like everything is crashing. Drowning in layers of discomfort and uncertainty. Smothered by constant dosages of pain and tears. Unwanted and inopportune.
Feelings of desperation sets in. Old buried feelings that instill real fear. Current and intense.
Fear of the desires that are rearing their ugly heads at a time when there should be no need and space for them. A time that should hold only promise, with no accomodation for pain, fear, hurt, tears and uncertainty.
But slowly they have been resurfacing. First just ever so slightly and subtly. Increasing almost unnoticably, stealthilly like spies on a covert but deadly mission. Deadly with far reaching repercussions.
And now a full onslaught have been launched. With no intention of taking prisoners. Only total annihilation will be accepted.
Is this a battle worth fighting, I ask? Or is it futile. Am I a worthy adversary for this raging war that has unwillingly awakened from its slumber? Is taking a stand delusional? Do I stand a chance against this slumbering dragon who too often lifts its head to spew flames of despair on my life. Is it worth fighting? Do I even have a hope of victory?

I have a been at this my entire life. With little vacations in between. Vacations that would not only allow time to regroup, but also time in which a false sense of victory are created, nourished and nurtured.

But this time the dark force is striking with a greater vengeance than ever before. It has blood thirsty need for pain, hurt, sorrow and tears. Like it wants to drain your very life essence. Until what is left is nothing but an empty, useless,worthless shell. Devoid of substance, beauty, laughter, pleasure and joy. All that will remain is
NOTHING…

I do not want to be nothing.