I’ve told him to do so many things. Just as I did in the beginning when we started on this journey. Guiding him every step of the way to make her feel special.
Then they got married and still I would remind him, “Remember its one month today”;”She’s not feeling well, spend the night with her”; “Why not take her out for coffee?”;”Did you comment on her outfit?”. And every time I sent you away to be with her there would be the slightest pang of something.
Then it was her birthday and prior to that she had told me that you only took her out alone once really. So I did what I always do. I coached. I interfered. “Take her away even just for one night.” You did not seem keen to leave me behind. But just like before I put up a good act and convinced you that it the right thing. What is needed. What she deserved. Despite the fact that we have not gone away in ages. “Surprise her” I said.
So I packed your overnight bag and supplies. And all the time my heart was tearing apart. Bleeding as it broke into thousand pieces. My tears flowing freely. But this is what is needed. I knew. I even convinced you.
I have by now learnt that certain necessary acts will unavoidably bring pain. Pain I will work through and overcome.
I cried for many hours. Sms’d you as a means of reassuring myself. I knew it was hard for you to leave me. To leave me crying, alone and far away from you. Not in reach of your comfort. But again you trusted that I am giving you the right guidance and advice. Despite my pain and tears that was so intense that I could not even conceal it from your eyes.
You phoned before bedtime and again in the morning. I know why. Because you were worried. Worried that I was still paining.
You came back bearing gifts. I understand why. Because you loved me even more for being willing to pain for her sake. For giving to her what she so desired and wished for despite my pain. You were proud of me. I saw it in your eyes.
Now the tables have turned. It was my birthday and the gesture was returned. She told you to take me away even just for one night. I have agreed to not argue. To trust that whatever is offered or done for me is needed. There was no tears from her. You did not need convincing as before. Should I feel guilty or bad. I had to fight not to. After almost two decades of marriage I guess it is expected.
But then I realise your focus is on me feeling better. Me coping better. That is her intention too. So you focus on me completely or maybe you don’t yet have the same need for her as you do for me. A need that have grown over many years. I know in time it will be there for her too. I know she knows it to. (I just hope she believes it.) Or maybe you thought you both are on the same page. But I guess she was not. She had expectations. Expectations because of what she saw when she was away with you. Is it bean counting? I don’t think so. Just dreams that did not materialise.
But still I feel bad for you. You constantly are expected to say, to do, to give. Expected by me and expected by her. So what is left for you?
Have I robbed you of your life? Have I robbed you of your quality of life? The pressures you are under is inhumane. Pressure of time, place, emotions, expression and finance. I fail to see you having any quality of life. I find myself overcome with guilt. Did I do this to you?
I hate that you are passed around like a toy or accessory. Sometimes I get it and sometimes she does.
I wish I knew how to strike a balance. I wish I knew how to not also want. I see how much you do, you give. I just wish I did not need more.
Wish you were not …
a pawn on a chess board.