I am not upset, hurt, angry, jealous or sad…

Time is ticking by. nothing is the same anymore, yet so much is better than it was.

My husband and I will be celebrating out eighteenth wedding anniversary at the end of this year.

Eighteen years of joy and bliss? I wish I could say that. Joy there have been. Smiles and laughter there were often. Happiness visited frequently. Contentment would be a visitor too. The only constant was love. Despite all the struggles. Struggles with my dark and painful past. Love would always be there.

His love for me and my love for him.

In times of  sadness he would be there to kiss away my tears.

In times of  fear and hurt, he would hold me till I would feel safe again.

When I couldn’t sleep, he would rock in his arms untill sleep came.

When I needed to fight those who hurt me, he would be alongside me to fight with me.

When I didn’t have the strength to fight, he would fight for me.

When I couldn’t speak for myself, he was my voice.

When my legs could not carry me, he held me up.

When I was ready to give up, he inspired me.

When I lost faith in myself,  he kept believing in me.

When he looked at me, I felt like the most beautiful woman on this earth.

His eyes a mirror of  his love for me.

When he held me, I felt safe and content.

When he touched me, I felt desired and wanted. Like he cannot want or love any other.

But now there is another he also loves…

Another he also wants…

Another he also desires…

Another he also touches…

Another he also looks at…

Another he also kisses…

Another he also holds…

Another he would also fight for…

Should I be upset, hurt, angry, jealous or sad?

No, not in the least. Simply because him loving another has brought much joy and love into my life as well.

Because the one he now loves, I love even more. She is my friend, sister, my confidante and sometimes my voice of reason.

So no I am not upset, hurt, angry, jealous or sad.

Because of  her all that I had with my husband before have increased tenfold.

He loves me even more than before.

He desires me even more than before.

When he looks at me I feel like a beauty queen.

When he touches or kisses me I feel like a goddess. His goddess.

Sometimes it feels like he worships me.

I feel his eyes on me. I catch him staring at me with tenderness and love. I feel his eyes roaming my body as if they were hands.

So often now he would walk into a room full of people and it feels as if  he only sees me.

Everything we had before have been enhances, increased and reaffirmed.

So no I am not upset, hurt, angry, jealous or sad

So there are some struggles.

Struggles of being alone some of the time. Struggles of missing the mundane and daily routine of the past which then seemed normal and insignificant. Struggles of needing his arms to bring feelings of safety, when those needs arise at inopportune times.

But never struggles of doubting his love for me. Never doubting that I am still the love of his life. And that even though he now love another as well, that will never change. Never doubting that I am his soul mate. Never doubting that he still wants, desires and needs me.

So no I am not upset, hurt, angry, jealous or sad

One thought on “I am not upset, hurt, angry, jealous or sad…

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