Surrender, Concede, Capitulate

So I got angry because I felt excluded, sidelined, marginalised and ignored. Yes I felt  all these things and before I would have understood. Before I would have knows he is preoccupied and stressed. Before I would have waited it out. Things will return to normal and he would be in my space again. Tomorrow things would have calmed down and all will be as it were.

But tomorrow is not to be. It belongs to another. Another is holding her breath and looking forward to tomorrow.  I will have to wait till the next day and hope that the next day will not also pan out as today did. Will not also end up being lost, alone and empty. Because other more urgent matters arise.

And then little gremlins start popping up. Start whispering like vicious little devils in your ears. Whispers that creates pain and fear and discontent. Everything start looking like something. Nothing start looking like something. Something that you are not getting, that you do not have.Something that wish for and desire and longs for. You feel cheated and robbed. Robbed of what is yours and what is your right. And she is not to blame. It is her right too, yet she seem to be so gracious about everything and I’m everything but. Is there even anyone to be blamed?  No! No blame. Just demons screaming in your heart and creating noise in your head. And you pain. So much that you have an intense desire to just close up and shut down, for if you close up and shut down, you do not feel. And if you do not feel, you cannot hurt. You cannot pain.

Time has become your worst enemy. Your primary source of fear. Fear of loneliness and fear of becoming obsolete. Yesterday’s news. Redundant and old. You know the  reality is that it is not so, but these damn devils keep whispering, screaming, making you hear. Forcing you to listen.

So you sit down and you try to be sensible and rational. He does love you, you know that. She puts you first as well. You know that too.

So why the doubt?  

Why the lack of faith?

Why do I need so much reassurance and reaffirmation?

Is it because of past trust issues and past insecurities? Why can I not trust and believe without any doubt?  Why am I so careful? Is it fear of getting hurt by those you think and believe love you?  In the past you were also loved. Or so you thought. There were hidden, selfish and painful agendas. That hurt, crippled, and near destroyed you.

But that was then. Now is different. You won that battle and annihilated the enemy. Victory was yours!!! So why do you still feel fear and pain. Is it just a bad habit? A habit that wont die. I feel like giving up. Letting everything go and giving everything freedom. Freedom to do  and say and make without me. Without having to consider me and complicate things. Because I am damaged, irreparable, corrupted and lost. I should be cut loose before anyone else get pulled down by me.

Am I asking too much? Do I even have the right to ask or to expect, to want, to need, to wish. Maybe not. Maybe never.

So I will just stick to the familiar which brings me to the bottom line.

And that bottom line is…

I am never to be happy .

Never to be content.

Never to be at peace.

Maybe my contentment lies elsewhere and is not due now. So will stop trying and just wait.

So I will wait…

Please Hear What I’m Not Saying

Please Hear What I’m Not Saying

By Charles C. Finn

 

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I’m afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,
but don’t be fooled,
for God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm and I’m in command
and that I need no one,
but don’t believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to. I’m afraid to.

 I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,
that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,
what I’d like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can’t say.

I don’t like hiding.
I don’t like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings —
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator —
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

I am ready…

For the past week I have been grappling with my health. My one kidney struggling to do its job resulting in toxemia. I have forgotten how ill you can feel when struggling with renal problems. The constant nausea, headaches, dizziness and tiredness. Before I didn’t quite realise the seriousness of  having renal problems, but as I am now getting older I have come to the realisation that I can and would probably die of renal failure unless something else comes up before then. And it will. I know that. I have always felt that old age was not something I should look forward to. Longevity was not part  of my life plan or path.

Which made me reflect on many things. And then I remembered what someone , well more than one person actually, had asked me. When I , we, embarked on this journey or a polygamous marriage and I informed those I felt needed to know, I was asked whether I was dying. I was a bit surprised if not a little perturbed by this very unexpected question. “Why are you asking me that?” was my confused response.  “Well”, I was informed, “It seem as though you are getting things in place for your family for when you not there anymore. Someone to be a wife for your husband and a mother to your children. Obviously someone you trust and know will be good for your family.” Needless to say I totally dispelled any such notion to the extent that I found this kind of paranoia funny and laughable.

However now 5 months down the line, and having been really sick for the first time in years, I find myself questioning my mortality. Questioning the journey Allah has put me on. Questioning how building blocks have been laid down seemingly in isolation, over an extended period of time. But upon reflection and retrospection all these random and isolated instances and emotional growth and movement seem anything but random and isolated. They seem to be part of an elaborate and covert plan architected by a higher power with a vision that is obscured from  to us.

Question is: Am I that special that Allah would afford me the gift of having the peace of mind that those I love is taken care of and are all together to be a support to each other when I no longer walk this earth. Maybe this is the reward for all my pain and suffering all of my life.  I believe in a fair and benevolent Creator and if this elaborate plan indeed is the gift of peace of mind than the benevolence of my Allah is confirmed and I regard myself special, chosen and lucky.

In in that light I want to say thank you. Thank you Allah for caring enough for me to do all of this for me. I stand before you ready and waiting for whatever the next journey is that you taking me on. Be it longevity or death. I am ready…

Lucky

“Lucky”

By Jason Mraz


(feat. Colbie Caillat)

 

,

Do you hear me
I’m talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I’m trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don’t know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I’ll wait for you I promise you, I will

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Lucky we’re in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I’m sailing through the sea
To an island where we’ll meet
You’ll hear the music fill the air
I’ll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you’re all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I’m lucky we’re in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

1000001 reasons why I love him

I love him… unequivocally, undeniably, irrevocably and with an unadulterated honesty, purity and passion. He is my sunrise, my star in the dark, the silver lining of my clouds, my warmth against the cold. 

  1. I love him when he works.
  2. I love him when he cooks.
  3. I love him when he plays.
  4. I love him when he laughs.
  5. I love him when he makes me laugh.
  6. I love him when he is funny.
  7. I love him when he smiles.
  8. I love him when he cries.
  9. I love him when he is happy.
  10. I love him when he is sad.
  11. I love him when he looks at our children.
  12. I love him when he nurtures our daughter.
  13. I love him when he respects our sons.
  14. I love him when he drops everything for his mother.
  15. I love him when he defends my mother.
  16. I love him when he without any thought come to the aid of my sisters.
  17.  I love him when he plays with her son.
  18. I love him when he loves her.
  19. I love him when he is concerned for her.
  20. I love him when he cares for her.
  21. I love him when he looks at me. The look in his eyes says: He loves me.
  22. I love him when he says my name. 
  23. I love him when he guides me into the door by gently placing his hand in the curve of my back.
  24. I love him when he puts his hands on my hips to move pass me.
  25.  I love him when he places his hand on my knee while we driving.
  26. I love him when he gently touches my leg or caresses my feet.
  27. I love him when he kisses on my forehead.
  28. I love him when he kisses me in the nape of my neck.
  29. I love him when he kisses me on the top of my head.
  30. I love him when I’m lying with my head on his shoulder.
  31. I love him when he understands the invisible love messages I write with my fingernail on his chest.
  32. I love him when he takes interest in what makes me happy and brings me joy.
  33. I love him when he gently wipes away my tears with a single finger.
  34. I love him when he holds me in the crook of his arm to make feel better when I’m sad.
  35. I love him when he makes me feel that everything will be alright cause he is around.
  36. I love him when he makes me feel like forever is a reality.
  37. I love him when he kisses the palm of my hand.
  38. I love him when he kisses me on my nose.
  39. I love him when he sigh as I kiss his chest.
  40. I love him when he looks into my eyes as if to read my soul.
  41. I love him when he gently touches my cheek or cups my chin.
  42. I love him when he holds me close and strokes my hair as if to sooth any pain away.
  43. I love him when he plays with my hair.
  44. I love him when he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the universe.
  45. I love him when he gets  possessive and protective at the slightest glimmer of discomfort pointing in my direction.
  46. I love him when his concern for me is more important than anything else.
  47. I love him when he rhythmically snores while I watch him sleep.
  48. I love him when I feel his warmth next to me.
  49. I love him when he reaches for me in his sleep.
  50. I love him when his feet search for mine when we sleeping
  51. I love him when he pulls me close in the morning.
  52. I love the warmth of his breath upon my face.
  53. I love the sweet smell of his breath as he whispers in my ear.
  54. I love him when he notices and appreciates when I look good.
  55. I love him when he knows I have dressed up for him.
  56. I love when he glows with pride other men shows interest in me or people comment on my appearance.
  57. I love when he stares at me with awe and appreciation.
  58. I love him when he says he loves me.
  59. I love him when he wants to do for me.
  60. I love him when he chuckles at my antics.
  61. I love him when he always forgives all my disasters.
  62. I love him when he always fixes my mistakes.
  63. I love him when he gives me clarity and perspective when I feel utterly lost and confused.
  64. I love him when he holds my when everything seem dark and scary.
  65. I love him when he looks at me with pride.
  66. I love him when he encourages me to do the right thing even though he knows I might get angry.
  67. I love him when he encourages me to be the best I can be.
  68. I love him when he carries me when I cannot on my own.
  69. I love him when he subtly pushes me when I am ready to give up.
  70. I love him when he has more faith in me than I have in myself.
  71. I love him when he gets angry when women get hurt.
  72. I love him when he hides his troubles from me.
  73. I love him when he gets enjoyment out of my enjoyment.

I love him for a million reasons more.

But most of all

  71.    I  love him …  for ALLOWING me to love him.

How much do I love him?

“Multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever  and you’ll still have barely a glimpse  of what I am talking about.” Meet Joe Black

Beauty Routine of the Heart

Tears are the shower your heart takes when in need of cleansing.

 Part of your heart’s beauty routine. An all in one cleanser, toner and moisturiser… For your heart.
Tears wash away all emotional impurities, feelings of discomfort and any other kind of pain that could disembellish the face of the heart.

 The heart’s own showers of blessings.
Like the desert needs rain, the heart needs tears to refresh and renew.

Tears revitalise the heart when it feels tired and renews the heart when it feels old and rundown.
The facelift and the grueling exercise regime of the heart. Beautifying and strengthening the heart all at the same time.

Tears are there when we are sad and when we feel bad.

Tears are there when we are happy and when we feel glad.

And tears are there for everything else in between.

So go on, Cry.
Its good for you…
and for your heart.