Michael John Cerfontyne

On Monday I still spoke to you. You told me about your dreams, your ambitions and aspirations. You dreamed big and had faith. Faith in yourself, your family, your peers, in me and your creator. You had such high hopes for a future. A future filled with sparkle and promise.
But all your dreams, aspirations and ambitions where not to be. A promise never to be fulfilled. Never to be fully planned, executed and enjoyed. In a flash of anger and violence everything stopped…
Forever.
A young life ended. Senselessly,
With no regard for the dreams, aspirations and ambitions pending. Waiting anxiously and excitedly to be fulfilled and realised.
So now all that is left is a smiling face etched forever in our memories and burnt with ink on lifeless paper photos. These have now replaced the treasure you were.
A treasure that will be nurtured and treasured in our heart and minds for years to come. So you will stay. Unchanged. Never wrinkled. Never grey. Never old. Eternally youthful you remain in our hearts and minds.
Smiling and youthful forever.
Rest in peace smiling Michael. You were not for this world. Angels belong in heaven. You are home now…

Advertisements

visitors become residents

Being in a state of contentment and happiness all at the same time is a joyous, comforting and satisfying experience. And getting to that state can sometimes be a hard and strenuous battle strewn with thorns of disappointment and pain.
And because of the discomfort experienced by being discontent you cling onto your current state of bliss with a desperate urgency.
But how does one extend this blissful state of being to last beyond the here and now. Beyond tomorrow and the next day. To become a regular and permanent resident in your life. Not just an occasional visitor passing through your life briefly, leaving only memories and feelings of longing and wanton.
What is the best and most effective strategy to get a visitor to become a resident?
Do you remind yourself of what delivered you to that space of contentment; what made you sigh deeply with that lingering feeling of bliss, what made you smile or giggle sweetly to yourself?
Do you hold on for dear life to those memories in an attempt to fight of the resident demons to not re-surface and rush back feelings of pain, sadness, discontent and discomfort.
But all these measures are simply too short term to have any lasting effect. All you gain from them are short bursts of illusioned moments of internal calm and peace. Brief and fleeting flashes of the very comfort and contentment you so urgently and desperately crave. Getting you back to the question…
How do get these good feelings to go from fleeting to permanent; from visitor to resident?
After long deliberation with myself and serious reflection on my current state, my past dealings with discomfort and my desired place of feeling I am attempting to reach, I have decided to try my hand and heart at a new modus operandi.
Making new memories and only focussing on the current blissful state I find myself in will be the new means at attaining, maintaining and prolonging the current blissfull state I find myself in. Counting every day I find contentment and joy to add to my constant and prevailing state me happiness. Coz happiness I have achieved many moons ago and maintaining it has become effortless and it has been a static resident for a long time .
So now to get contentment to become a permanent tennent joining my family of good feelings. Mission contentment is a a go…

Selfless…

When you love someone you sacrifice for them. You give of your possessions, time, energy and even yourself. You put their needs before your own even when your need is strong and primal. You accept when that person cannot be available at your every call. Cannot be there when convenient to you. You hide your desires and silent requests. You lie convincingly to not let on that a void has been left because what you expected did not realise.

But I know you do the best you can just like you always did. Never taking for yourself. Never giving to yourself.

And sometimes, just sometimes,  just to regroup and recoupe , you would slack just a little. But never enough to completely let go of me.

Yet more is wanted. More time.
More affection.
More love.
More. More. More

Actions scream louder than than any words ever could .
I dont want for me. Not more time or more consideration. I want those for you. You are making the greatest sacrifice. Sacrificing time, space, choice and feelings. You had to give yourself, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Simply because I asked you too.

So the question one really find yourself asking is…
‘Who really is the selfless one?’

history of pain

An audience watching oblivious to the pain inflicted.

Standing, watching. watching without emotion.

Dead eyes pretending not to see, pretending not to know.

 No one intervene

 No one intercede

No one to interfere

No one

No one to make it stop

No one coming to rescue

 She simply stand and watch.

Watch without courage, without love. pretending not to see.

Not to hear.

Not to know

He has the power and she wont fight.

Wont fight back.

Not for herself and not for you.

Your little heart aches. Aches for love, for comfort, for safety

You pray for love, for comfort, for safety, for the torture and pain to stop.

 But like many times before no-one comes.

Again the pain will continue.

No one intervene

No one intercede

No one to interfere

No one

 No one to make it stop

No one coming to rescue

So the pain continues

Not just for you but in later years also for other little ones by the hands of others.

Different play, different actors.

Exactly the same pain.

Seeking True Pleasure

Having entered into a plural marriage have evoked many and varied reactions and responses.

 Some very negative, from parties who could not fathom my choice, to some expressing support as long as I am ok.

For many my asking my husband to marry a friend was either abnormal, crazy and desperate or maybe I was “coerced into what my husband wanted”. Maybe “they had an affair”! Maybe “I was scared they would have one and I would rather share him than not have him at all!” Better yet, “I am dying and is trying to ensure that those I love -i.e. my husband and children – have someone to take care of them when I’m gone.”

 Then there were some who said they would have accepted it better if my friend had an affair with him and now decided to get married. And then of course, the only reason her well off family and community could come up with was, that I or we were after her money. So I concocted this elaborate scheme to get my hands on her thousands or maybe millions. Millions it had to be, for me to have changed my life so dramatically that I still sometimes have to remind myself of the status quo. Because this is not an easy journey and definitely not for the faint hearted. Nor is it something to take on unless you are absolutely certain and even then you cannot be prepared for the difficulty you could be presented with. And those in know will tell you , no amount of money, no matter how obscene, could be worth doing this for. Simply because your life changes so dramatically that you even forget how and what life use to be like before.

 So dramatically, that you find discontentment to be a constant amidst the fact that you are indeed happier now than you have ever been. Discontentment largely attributed to the fact that balance and normality have not been achieved yet.

 The natural instinct is to still revert to what was as it is what you were accustomed to and what you have established over years. Yet, you pull yourself back to what it is that you want. The Now!!! The now,  that you want to become that which you yearn for and want to revert to. NOW!!!

 And then you find the very few who not only are NOT shocked or appalled by our choices but are in admiration. Praising it as an act of piety and wishing you well on this special journey. Giving well wishes and sincere prayers for you to grow together and reminding you of the responsibility of what you have taken on as well as the benefit of our actions and praise you for being so bold and strong to do something that pleases God. Some have been brought to tears and was touched by your story and how you were brought to this place of making the decision we have made.

 But society is not grown up enough for plural marriages. They are not brave enough and definitely not bold enough. There is a huge lack of faith and trust in The Creator. Trust to follow your heart and know that if your intentions are pure and sincere, God will lead the way and all you have to do is walk along the already paved path. Paved by a higher power. Realising that you have unknowingly been walking that paved way anyway and only now  have become aware of the direction the journey was taking you in. You ask yourself,  I have walked on trust and faith only. Without thinking. Why start taking things in my own hands? Why not just continue? So you do and you are judged, ostracised, criticized and slandered with unprecedented venom.

 No one cares that you were motivated by a deep sense of love, both for the people involved as well as your Creator. No one bothers to get to know you to find out if it indeed was an act of benevolence as it is claimed to be. Stories are created, twisted, mangled and developed into a sinister plot of money-grabbing, deceit, sexual perversion and illicit affairs simply to entertain and have something to talk about.

No one cares that the people they are smearing in their campaign of lies,  have feeling, and are nothing like what these viscious lies proclain at all. No one knows or cares of  how challenging it is and how much hard and consistent work it is to keep all parties content. How adapting itself has become a chore and that often tears are shed not because of unhappiness, but because of frustration and discontent for not being able to find and maintain that place of comfort.

 But the world is a cruel place and the people who inhabit it are vicious, heartless and cold. No one bothers to get to know you, except for a few. And the few who does, walks away smiling in awe and at ease. “It really seem like its working”

 YES! You want to scream. It is working!!!!

 So inside our home and inside our hearts we find comfort in the fact that we all love. We love deeply, we love sincerely; we love unequivocally, we love completely and without bounds. And all that love is nourished, maintained and nurtured not just by our love for each other but by a deeper love for Our Creator and in that knowledge lies our solace and peace.  The prize we seek is far greater than any kind word or nicety any mortal being can send our way.

 We seek the pleasure of God and there is where consolation lies.

Pain Killers Please

Hurt and pain seem to be part of everyday life.

Physically pain manifests through the odd headache or cramp here or there. Massages send by our body that things are not well and help is needed. A few tablets later the pain is gone and we soon forget any discomfort we might have experienced.

But how do fix emotional pain. How do take away pain felt in your soul. Pain that cannot be pinpointed to a specific body part. That cannot be fixed with tablets or pills. That no doctor can write a script for.

How do you sooth hurt, pain and sadness?
When your very humanity and integrity are insulted and questioned by people who never even took the time and opportunity, even though it was offered, to get to know you. How do you respect someone who spreads malicious lies with such vindication that it leaves you cringing in pain. You cannot help what would make those individuals so bitter that they have no regard for their fellow human being.
So you try to shrug the malice off and pretend to not care,  only you do care and you do hurt…

Lies

The key to surviving any ordeal or pain in life is to have hope. The hope that things will get better. Will change. Will be better next time around.

Hope makes us want to try again. Try another attempt to what seem to have failed.  Maybe this time we are wiser and can make better choices. Maybe the other parties involved have changed or will change and that would make all the difference. And that belief again creates hope.

Hope makes us blind for what is right in front of our eyes. Makes us blind to pain around us. Pin inflicted on those we love, sometimes even inflicted by us. Makes us blind to how that pain is killing us and those around us.  Blind to how you are chipped away, chizzled to a mass of nothingness. Untill you are so blind that you do not see yourself any more. Do not recognise yourself anymore.

But still you have hope…

Hope makes you deaf  to the cries of those dependent on you. Those dependent on your love, your caring, your nurturing and your safety. Deaf to your own heart’s cries. Cries for love, respect, trust and freedom. Cries to feel whole again.

But you are  ignorant, blind and deaf, for hope does not bring love, safety, care, nurture, trust and safety. it only brings….

LIES!!!!